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Old 05-05-2007, 02:16 AM   #1
Jul 2005
Poo-Poo Land
Posts: 6,748
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DOS Beer

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer

Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer

The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows 98 Beer

Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.
Windows 2000 Beer

The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.
Unix Beer

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
Linux Beer

LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
AmigaDOS Beer

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
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Old 05-05-2007, 07:25 AM   #2
z987k's Avatar
Feb 2007
Posts: 3,518
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You forgot Windows ME, XP, Vista and OSX

Windows ME - Worst beer ever made, not only does the bottle explode in youi hands but it kills you if you drink it

Windows XP - arguably the best beer windows ever managed to make on it's own. bits of 98. 2000 and NT are thrown together an called XP. Also kills you with the viruses in the grain.

Vista - They realized their beer tasted like piss and tried to copy "the best beer ever made" and ended up with a beer that asks the drinker if he is ok to drink his beer and is mostly a blatant copy of OSX beer and Linux beer, particularly beryl and expose, but stgill kills you with a deadly viruses embedded in the kernels of grain in the end

OSX - decided that UNIX beer does taste good and modeled their beer off of Unix beer, differences can be told but only because it's really a mix between the tastiness of Unix beer and the good looking OS/2 beer.

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Old 05-05-2007, 02:33 PM   #3
david_42's Avatar
Oct 2005
Oak Grove, Oregon, USA
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Vista Beer - Also exactly like XP Beer, but it requires you to buy a bigger refrigerator, bigger glasses, build a bigger kitchen and upgrade the power service to your house. Pours slower than XP Beer because the cans are thicker, but if you pay extra, it comes in prettier cans. While your house is being upgraded, someone will steal your identity and charge 40 cases of Mac Beer to your credit cards.
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Old 05-05-2007, 03:28 PM   #4
Jan 2007
Spruce Grove Alberta
Posts: 284
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Linux Beer!
Planning - a 40th Birthday Lager for Sept 09 (Start October 08

Next Up - First All Grain 40th birthday lager

Primary -

Secondary -
Secondary -

Bottled - Honey ApfelMead 02/23/08 ABV 10.0%
Bottled - Oktoberfest 5.2%
Bottled - Candian Light Lager 4.85
Bottled - Munich Dark Lager 5.6%

Drinking - Apfelwein FG 2/29/08 ABV 8.5%
Drinking - Brewhouse Cream Ale ABV 4.7%
Drinking - Brewhouse Pale Ale ABV 5.2%

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Old 05-05-2007, 04:06 PM   #5
LS_Grimmy's Avatar
Nov 2006
Cold Lake , Alberta
Posts: 294
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Good ****! Since I'm a computer & Beer geek.
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Old 01-14-2009, 04:31 PM   #6
Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc
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Dec 2007
"Detroitish" Michigan
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I just discovered this by accident on the similar threads box at the bottom of some of the threads....I'm bumping it becasue it is quite funny!
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Old 01-14-2009, 04:39 PM   #7
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IrregularPulse's Avatar
Nov 2007
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Someone has too much free time? but it was funny. Maybe some sort of creative writing class project?
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Old 01-14-2009, 04:57 PM   #8
Nov 2008
Posts: 625
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Originally Posted by david_42 View Post
Vista Beer - Also exactly like XP Beer, but it requires you to buy a bigger refrigerator, bigger glasses, build a bigger kitchen and upgrade the power service to your house. Pours slower than XP Beer because the cans are thicker, but if you pay extra, it comes in prettier cans. While your house is being upgraded, someone will steal your identity and charge 40 cases of Mac Beer to your credit cards.
Perfect... just perfect

What about Lindows, or the failed palm pilot version of windows 2000...WinMobile?.... maybe something like this.

Lindows beer: A beer made by who knows who. The entire can instructions are in Japaness, and written upside down to boot. Taste like a cross between cheeply copied Windows 2000 beer, and OS/2 beer. No body ever actully buys this beer but it seems to be the only thing your public libary has in stock.

Winmobile beer: The only beer the makers of Windows 2000 ever told you it was ok to drink in a car, in a bar, on a plane , or on a train. They say you can drink it in a box, and with a fox. But no one likes here or there, and it turns out the cans can explode anywhere.
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Old 01-14-2009, 05:26 PM   #9
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Jan 2009
Newark, DE
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OSX iPhone Beer: This beer has flavor and style remiscent of OSX, but is much lighter in body. Only uses one type of hop, and drinkers are forbidden to interchange ingredients. Drinkers are free to drink this with any type of food, as long as it has been certified by Apple. Drinkers in Europe may experience slower inebriation times, interspersed with bouts of unconciousness.
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Old 01-14-2009, 05:29 PM   #10
flack's Avatar
Nov 2007
Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 111
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Not actually a beer, per se, but the manufacturer claims that it has all of the properties and taste of beer. Manufacturer also claims that their beer comes in every size of can imaginable, and can be drunk from any glass. This makes them the cheapest beer available, but it comes down to a clear case of "buyer beware". They claim to have the largest selection of ingredients, but GOOGLE Beer is actually made from a lot of reused grains, malts and hops. Considered to be a macrobrewery, the beer is actually brewed at thousands of microbreweries located on an undisclosed island in the ocean.

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