After completing another all-grain yesterday (Belgian Wit) I was thinking back on my brewing experiences to date. It occured to me that most of the mistakes I've made in brewing were a result of stupid ideas that ultimately resulted in me getting really, really wet. I thought I'd share with you guys to see if I'm the lone idiot or if others have had similar strokes of non-genius...
All-Grain Idiotic Event #1 (Wit #1)
1. Got done with the mash and decided to move the grain out of the MLT immediately (couldn't wait for it to cool for some reason)
2. Had the brilliant idea that the best way to accomplish this was to dump all the hot grain into a garbage bag and carry it to the trash can (10 feet away).
3. Made it 3.5 feet towards said trash can before the garbage bag swelled up like a water balloon and subsequently exploded hot grain all over my garage floor and myself.
4. Sat, soaking wet, and stared at the literal "hot mess" on my garage floor and thought to myself "what did I just do?"
5. Watched my brother (nice enough to help me brew that day) break his sandals and nearly wipe out as his feet stick to the flypaper-esque floor while trying to clean up.
6. Cue the fly swarm...
All-Grain Idiotic Event #2 (Wit #2)
1. Bought a new copper immersion chiller that has vinyl tubing leads secured to the copper with cheap plastic hose clamps.
2. Hooked up chiller to hosing and got ready to chill my wort after the boil.
3. My wife was nice enough to help, so she went around to the front of the house (I brew in my garage) to operate the faucet.
4. Ready to chill, I say "turn the hose on!" and watch as the water starts to cycle through the chiller.
5. Immediately the vinyl tubing on the outflow hose of chiller blows off and starts spraying 200 deg water all over my garage and myself.
6. I yell "Off! Off! Turn the hose off!!!!" to which I hear "What?"....
7. Finally get the situation under control and re-attach vinyl tubing to chiller, this time tightening the plastic hose clamps.
8. Get ready to chill the wort again and, timidly, yell to my wife (back at her post) "turn the hose on...a little bit"
9. It seems to work fine, so I get cocky (I want this wort cool!) and say "turn it up!"
10. Repeat steps 5 and 6.
11. Switched to stainless steel hose clamps.
All-Grain Idiotic Event #3 (Dubbel)
1. Decide I'm going to do a little "green brewing" and hook up another garden hose and sprinkler to the outflow hose of my chiller.
2. Water will go from one garden hose, through the chiller and associated vinyl tubing, then out the second garden hose to water the lawn.
3. Start the wort chilling process with the improved chiller from AGIE #2.
4. Notice a leak at one of the vinyl tubing connections and decide that the cause is the hose clamp not being tight enough.
5. Tighten hose clamp while being squirted with 200 deg water.
6. Vinyl tubing on that side suddenly swells up like a balloon and pops, spewing more hot water all over me, the floor, and in my wort ("Off! Off! Off!"...."What?").
7. Decide that the problem lies with the fact that the vinyl tubing I'm using isn't able to handle the heat of the post-chiller water (despite the fact that it has worked fine in the past).
8. Replace vinyl tubing with high-temp silicone tubing.
9. Start chilling again with confidence.
10. Repeat step #6, but replace the word "vinyl" with "silicone".
11. Befuddled, I realize that the garden hose going to the sprinkler has been kinked the whole time. That was the only reason the chiller hoses were exploding.
General Lessons Learned
1. If I brew, I will get wet.
2. My first solution to a water explosion will never work.
3. I need to get a hose faucet closer to my brewing kettle, or vice versa.
4. Our family needs more walkie-talkies (reference Brian Regan skit).
5. My wife is the most patient person on the planet.
Has anyone else had similar issues?