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Old 04-03-2007, 02:09 PM   #1
Orpheus
 
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Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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Old 04-03-2007, 02:42 PM   #2
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Just remember those three little words,
'I did it! I did it! I did it!
I'm heartless and callous and cruel!
What ever it was, I admit it.
Oh! How could I be such a fool?'

Modern Man - The Wide Album
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Old 04-03-2007, 03:31 PM   #3
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hey how did you get my wife?? give her back! :wink:
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Old 04-03-2007, 03:59 PM   #4
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SWMBO questions:

"Do you really need that?" - If you buy another brew/garage toy, you will happily do my bidding for a long time (and the bed is JUST for sleeping...for at least a few weeks).

"Do you really need this anymore?" - I'm throwing this away.

"What does that do?" - I really want to talk about something else, but if I feign interest in your "stuff," I'll get your attention.

"Are you finished in the garage?" - You ARE finished in the garage.

"Why is _____ all over the counter?" - Clean this up.

"Why are you being such a GUY?" - You're being insensitive, and I want you to listen to me babble about something I know you don't care about.

"Can I have your help with ____?" - There's something you really don't want to do that will take forever. You're going to do it now. Usually followed by, "It will only take a minute."

"Want to watch ____ on TV?" - We're going to watch this together whether you like it or not.

"Does this make my ____ look ____?" - I need a compliment. The correct answer is almost certainly "No."
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Old 04-03-2007, 07:05 PM   #5
Yooper
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I can't believe you guys know my secrets! My husband needs Opheus' translator.

One mistake I made was asking my husband, "Does this outfit make me look fat?". He said in a definitive voice, "No!" (Right answer). But then he looked more carefully and added, "It's your body that makes you look fat".

I don't recommend using that one on your SWMBOs if you hope you'll ever have sex again in this lifetime.
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Old 04-03-2007, 07:24 PM   #6
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Guys, it's really simple, memorize this phrase...

I'm sorry, you're right, please help me.

This will solve all your problems.
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Old 04-03-2007, 07:26 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yooper Chick
I can't believe you guys know my secrets! My husband needs Opheus' translator.

One mistake I made was asking my husband, "Does this outfit make me look fat?". He said in a definitive voice, "No!" (Right answer). But then he looked more carefully and added, "It's your body that makes you look fat".

I don't recommend using that one on your SWMBOs if you hope you'll ever have sex again in this lifetime.

LOL...good stuff here. SWMBO and I were watching a comedian on tv and the guy did the "does my ass look big in this dress? no! your fat ass makes your ass look big!!" bit and I fell out of my chair laughing. needless to say, I got "the look" probably followed by a heavy sigh. She can't even ask me that question anymore.


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Old 04-03-2007, 07:29 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yooper Chick
I can't believe you guys know my secrets! My husband needs Opheus' translator.

One mistake I made was asking my husband, "Does this outfit make me look fat?". He said in a definitive voice, "No!" (Right answer). But then he looked more carefully and added, "It's your body that makes you look fat".

I don't recommend using that one on your SWMBOs if you hope you'll ever have sex again in this lifetime.
You mean like your hubby???
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Old 04-03-2007, 07:45 PM   #9
Ó Flannagáin
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SWMBO was reading a cosmo with an ass chart in it. It had these illustrated pictures of different asses women have with a nice explanation of each ass-type. She blotted out the explanations and said:

"Which kind of ass do I have?"

- I felt trapped, I was sweating, my heart began pounding and my pulse was through the roof. I thought I could make a run for it, but that would probably get me in more trouble, so I looked for the hottest ass in the illustrations.... they all looked good!! They were hand-drawn to be just right for that type of ass, so I was honest (BIG MISTAKE)... "this one sweety, the perfect ass here."

Needless to say, I didn't get any loving for a week. I picked the wrong ass.

 
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Old 04-18-2013, 03:23 PM   #10
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My father in law told me a long time ago to remember 2 simple magic words: "Yes, dear" - and that my life would be much easier. Just be careful to at least pay a little attention to whatever the question your SWMBO asks - as you don't want to fire off a "yes, dear" following the "does this make me look fat?" or similar question.

 
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