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Old 02-22-2011, 10:48 PM   #1
malkore
 
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Hi, my name is Malkore, and this is my first SWMBO thread...

Gentlemen (and ladies too)...I need to know if I'm being unreasonable, and if so by how much.

Here's the story: Sunday night me and the Mrs. had just sat down with dinner, and Family Guy was starting in 10 minutes, which means it was about 7:50pm.

The doorbell rings...and we're expecting no guests/visitors. Really all our friends call in advance, because we just don't entertain guests a lot. We're introverted I guess.

I answer the door and its my mother-in-law. She just was nearby and said she decided to stop by unannounced...for not reason other than to say hi.

Let me take a step back and state that her family feels compelled to visit each other often, and two whole weeks is an eternity to go by without a half hour phone conversation. However, I do get along very well with the in-laws including mom, who's fairly laid back 90% of the time.

So really, she popped in because she hadn't talked to my wife for 10 days.

She didn't get the hint that we'd sat down to eat...and took her coat off.

So I ate and then left the room. Didn't storm off, just silently left.

A half hour later she finally left and my wife comes in and tells me I can stop being a jerk now.

Fast forward to Tuesday and we are still bickering over this.

I maintain it was 8 o'clock on a Sunday night, and no person with common courtesy would pop in, and then proceed to hang out while you're trying to have dinner. I feel that since its her mother she should have found a way to let her mom know it wasn't a good time to visit.

She maintains its her family and she won't ever tell them its not a good time, even if the visit isn't important.


Its eating at me, mainly because this isn't exactly isolated. When push comes to shove and she has to decide to do something with her family or with me...the family event always wins.

I know marrying her means marrying into the family, but she seems to ignore the fact that by marrying me, I'm family too and that we made vows to treat each other right.

In my book, Family is family and they'll forgive your little petty bull**** because you're family.
But your partner in life always has give and take. I've already apologized for how I handled my disdain for the unwanted visit, and she thinks its settled and she's won even though I told her we still have a problem.

I just want her to admit she shoulda said something and that its not ok for her effing family (or anyone) to come barging in. My family and friends its not an issue, they respect the fact that you just don't invite yourself over, unannounced, without a reason. Domestic quarrel, broke down car...those are valid reasons to interrupt my evening.


am I totally wrong here?
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Old 02-22-2011, 10:53 PM   #2
BendBrewer
 
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There is a big difference between being right and getting laid.

But yeah, you're right. Absolutely. 100%.

How's the sex life the last couple of days?

As my Grandfather would always remind me: "Do whatever gets you laid." He died a happy man.

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Old 02-22-2011, 10:56 PM   #3
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I know where you are coming from, SWMBO and family are the same exact way. 30-45 min phone calls almost every day. Her family comes first, then me. I hear ya buddy.

There was a time when she would go down to her parents house to visit for the weekend (they live about 2 hours away), which is fine. But she went down there every weekend for a month. I went probably one weekend, and now her parents think I hate them.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:00 PM   #4
Acoma
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Seems petty. If you have admitted you shouldn't have got mad then you should not be expecting an apology from her. I'd say just get over it.

 
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:02 PM   #5
malkore
 
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BTW to prove I still have a man-card, last night (after I agreed to drop it for a while) I totally got some...which was actually supposed to happen Sunday night in the first place if mom hadn't ruined the mood.

So now that I got things squared away, I stepped back up to the plate to finish this little...pissing match?...with my wife.

Ask me tomorrow if I was on couch duty or not after this ends tonight.

Acoma: I apologized for HOW I handled my anger, not for getting angry. What do you propose I do the next time I place second to her family's wants? And the time after that?

I need to put a foot down, or hand over my balls. There's no more gray area. The line is being drawn.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:09 PM   #6
kbuzz
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I have the same issue from time to time...overall though, I love her and I love her family so I don't mind so much. Her dad just made me a copper wort chiller for pete's sake!

I just get annoyed sometimes when I realize that we spend a LOT more time with her family than any of mine. I don't need to see my family but maybe once a month so when I ask, I expect her to be okay with it, but sometimes it's justnot that easy.

I get annoyed when people stop by unannounced...even my own friends or family, but I don't think that you should expect your wife to tell her mom she shouldn't have stopped by...especially if they live a couple hours away and she was in town for some other reason. I would almost be surprised if she hadn't stopped by. I think you might need to just let this one go, man. My two cents anyway.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:14 PM   #7
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Your wife doesn't seem to have any consideration of your feelings in this. That is wrong.

Maybe you need to explain that Sunday evenings are your time to be with her and relax and that you value it.

It's not okay that your are fighting about it and you already apologized for how you handled it so maybe it's time for you to calmly explain it to her. After that, let go of it because it's definitely not worth bad feelings.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:18 PM   #8
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Family is welcome any time.

Spouses come and go, moms are there until they die.

 
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:18 PM   #9
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Tivo FTW! Seriously, invest in a DVR. We have people drop by all the time while I'm watching a show. I pause and visit for a bit, then back to watching. Also, by leaving it paused on the screen, people know I am being courteous to them, but they also get the hint that I'm watching something and will usually make the visit short.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:22 PM   #10
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Well, Bob and I both agree that you are in the right.

HOWEVER- my mom died when I was 14. I would give my left, er, apendage, to have a mom who was so present and active in my life that I could not just talk with her but live close enough to visit. Bob's mom died when he was in his early 20s. So while we can relate (our dinner hour is a precious time- no TV, no phone calls, etc), it's not something that ever would happen.

Bob just said that he would have handled it exactly like you did, and he mentioned that he has done just that when it's happened with relatives and friends. We don't have many close relatives, but my daughter will pop in and sit and visit with me, especially if she hasn't seen me in 10 days or so. He finishes what he's doing and gets up and leaves while I chat.

The thing is, I don't ever remember being upset with either one of them- if Bob leaves the room, he leaves the room. No big deal to me.
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