Update (bottled tonight):
For the first few days of fermentation, the color was a beautiful, brillant red, as if someone had cut into a living ruby and exposed its majesty for all to see. Over time, the color faded until what was left resembled a tincture of dilute iodine tainted with blood from a cut finger.
The final gravity hit 1.000 on the nose (the OG is lost to posterity due to an over-exuberant wife cleaning off a critical section on a whiteboard).
The taste was pleasant, if underwhelming; instead of the orgiastic blast of cranberry majesty that I was expecting, I was met with a palatable taste of apple tinged with a slight tartness. Next time, I think quadrupling the amount of cranberries is in order.
I primed with a cup of dextrose (23 L batch)... perhaps time and patience will work its magic... if perchance any of this elixir survives past New Year's Eve.