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Old 04-01-2010, 05:01 AM   #1
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CodeRage's Avatar
Aug 2007
Melbourne, Fl
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So I am sitting in my hotel room, frustrated with my week and came up with this. I am sure some of you may be able to relate.....

Lodging Theorem:
The Conviviality Repute Adverse Proportion factor

CRAP factor = (X)/(sigm(DG)+sigma(BL)+sigma(A)+sigma(PS)) : where distance of DG, DL, A, and PS < X miles

CRAP factor is equal to the sample distance (X) divided by the sum of all Dollar Generals, Big Lots, Amscotts, and Pawn Shops within X distance of a point of reference (read hotel).

For example, There are 2 Big Lots, 3 General Dollar Stores, 2 Amscotts, and 4 Pawn Shops within 1 mile of my hotel room. The result is a CRAP factor of 1/11 or 9.1%.

Postulate 1: Lodging Quality
The odds of finding a hotel room acceptable for human occupancy are equal to it's CRAP factor.
Continuing from the example above, there is a 1 in 11 or 9.1% chance my hotel room is secure, clean, quiet, and comfortable.

Postulate 2: Dining
CRAP factor is also applicable to the average chance of finding a survivable dining experience within the sample distance of lodging.

Postulate 3:
Budget Compliance
The odds of a given hotel's daily rate being equal to or less than the budgeted allowance for lodging is equal to 1 - CRAP factor.
The chances my lodging will be an approved expense is 1-1/11 = 10/11 = 89.9%

Correlation 1: Hookers and Drug Dealers
The likely hood of one or many drug dealers and/or hookers in any combination in visual proximity of your hotel room is equal to the Budget Compliance Ratio.

Correlation 2: Proximity and Magnitude of Operations
The higher the Budget Compliance Ratio the closer the drug dealers and/or hookers are operating to your hotel room.
For example, with a Budget Compliance of 98% the room to the right is a full service brothel and the room to the left is a one stop drug haven.

Correlation 3: Per Diem
Costs of goods and services provided by neighbors are proportionally budget compliant as well.
Example continued; with a budget compliance of 98, there is a chance 98% chance a 'trip around the moon' and a joint will cost less than the daily meal allowance.
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So as I am walking out the door this morning I think to my self:
"self, going to work on Monday is like knowing you're going to get kicked in the nuts. You just don't know when or by who"

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Old 04-01-2010, 05:09 AM   #2
Yuri_Rage's Avatar
Jul 2006
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Perhaps it's more succinctly summed up like this:

An expenses paid business trip has an extremely high chance of becoming a stay in a poorly located roach motel that will, in the end, cost more than any reimbursement allowed.
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Old 04-01-2010, 05:19 AM   #3
Gremlyn's Avatar
Mar 2009
San Diego, CA
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Far too much time on your hands, but makes perfect sense to me
Originally Posted by Yooper View Post
I'm a fan of "getting it in the can"!

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Old 04-01-2010, 06:08 AM   #4
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Jan 2009
Englewood CO
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Originally Posted by Gremlyn1 View Post
Far too much time on your hands, but makes perfect sense to me
agreed. i worked for the forest service fighting forest fires. and they dont pay S*it for per diem spent many a night in KOA camp grounds in gubament issued tents.
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Originally Posted by paulthenurse View Post
It would be the brewing equivalent of painting the Sistine Chapel with Crayola Crayons.
Originally Posted by Stuntman View Post
You sir, are a specialist in the art of discovering a welcoming outcome of a particular situation....not a mechanic.

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Old 04-01-2010, 07:31 AM   #5
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May 2009
Posts: 1,864
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Wow, I understood that...I kinda wish I didn't

Dude, like get yourself a bag of doritos and some good take out beer somewhere. Ice it in the trash can with a towel wrapped around it to keep it cool, and flip on the HBO. Your brain is visiting odd and wasteful places on it's own and it must be subdued.
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Old 04-01-2010, 11:59 AM   #6
Feb 2010
Baltimore, MD
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A co-worker and I were at a week-long technical training in Virginia several years ago. We were put up in a Homestead Inn Extended Stay. Though I requested a non-smoking room, they put me in a room that must have hosted a cigar smoker the night before, because I couldn't breathe. I was developing a cold at the time and demanded a non-smoking room. The only non-smoking room they had was the handicapped room, which I accepted. All of the switches, peep socket on the door, etc were about waist high, which I understand. But it was just. . . off. . . to me.

My co-worker had a much more interesting experience. There must have been a drug deal going down in the room next door because he woke me up at 2:00am with a text "I think sum1 just got stabbed outsd my door!" I heard the police sirens and ambulance about fifteen minutes later. Big pool of blood on the sidwalk outside his door when I went to pick him up the next morning. We called the place the Home-Stab Inn for the rest of the trip.

Though there was a Chick-Fil-A next door. Yum.
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:17 PM   #7
Ohio-Ed's Avatar
Nov 2008
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Jason - I understand, I'm right there with you.

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Old 04-01-2010, 02:05 PM   #8
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Jan 2008
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Heell. It ain't lik you ar havin yor porch cowch stoled by ficken law munkys!

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Old 04-01-2010, 04:50 PM   #9
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Apr 2007
Huntington Beach
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Correlation 4 - Available beers

The percentage BMC vs craft brew availability at nearby restaurants, bars and stores is directly proportional to the budget compliance.
Hey, knock that shvt off. We're drinkin' here.

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Old 04-01-2010, 07:31 PM   #10
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Oct 2005
Oak Grove, Oregon, USA
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Nothing beats traveling on the government's nickel, if you are in the lower echelons. Did one trip for Hughes and had to comply with the regs. that meant staying in a specific hotel rather than the one where the training was occurring. That meant I needed a rental car, parking at my hotel at night, parking at the training hotel during the day, plus fuel. Total ran $50/day over staying at the training hotel.

Bonus: the approved hotel was in Fisherman's Wharf in S.F. Fresh crab for breakfast for five days.
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