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Old 11-21-2006, 10:59 PM   #1
knewshound
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Forgive the British terms, it is funny none the less.

Do you know how to use these tools?

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.

9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.

10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

14. " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.

18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying black nail polish. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.

22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!

Happy Wrenching one and all,

knewshound
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Old 11-21-2006, 11:07 PM   #2
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That's awesome... I'm anxiously awaiting Yuri's response.
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Old 11-21-2006, 11:07 PM   #3
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Those are priceless! LMOA
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Old 11-21-2006, 11:13 PM   #4
knewshound
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Apr 2006
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My personal favorite was the Irish Micrometer.

I felt like I had someone watching me work in my shop while reading these....



Cheers,

knewshound
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Old 11-22-2006, 03:15 PM   #5
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Those were great, LMAO on each and every one!
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Old 11-22-2006, 03:18 PM   #6
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ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to buildup force before smashing knuckles into engine block.
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Old 11-22-2006, 04:20 PM   #7
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This is the best thread ever...

I have a few to add:
INSTRUCTION/ASSEMBLY/OWNER'S MANUAL: A collection of trees that have inexplicably wound up being processed to a point where they fit nicely in the bottom drawer of one's toolbox. Often include heiroglyphics and the ramblings of madmen who seem to think that tab A fits into slot B, and ear/eye protection is always necessary. Useful as fire starter.

TIG WELDER: Used to inflict incredible pain upon the operator by transferring electrical energy through several pieces of metal and into the operator's body. See defibrillator.

PLASMA CUTTER: A more expensive version of the oxyacetylene torch. Ignites flammable material in the shop with a shower of molten metal and sparks. Often the flammable material is the unnecessary assembly manual for whatever is being cut to fit together properly.

EAR PLUGS: Magically appear in the clothes dryer, almost always in odd numbers. What? Did you say something?

SAFETY GLASSES: Designed to obscure the vision of the wearer in order to make any job a challenge. Often found near the worksite of the man at the water fountain who seems to think that his mouth resides on either side of the bridge of his nose.

AIR CHISEL: Used to transform energy in the form of compressed air into noise while making insignificant nicks and dents in metal objects.

SANDBLASTER: Surrounds the operator in a Pig-Pen-like cloud of dust. Provides for days of shower-time entertainment playing the "I wonder where I'll find sand next" game.

DIE GRINDER: Slowly flings a piece of metal bit by hot, stinging bit into the operator's eyes.

LATHE: Used to spin a workpiece until something (not excluding the operator's limbs) breaks.

MILL: Used to break expensive tool bits into smaller, less useful ones.

BARREL MICROMETER: Clamps small objects together for soldering or welding. Has numbers on the side in case one forgets how to count.
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Old 11-22-2006, 04:51 PM   #8
knewshound
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuri_Rage
BARREL MICROMETER: Clamps small objects together for soldering or welding. Has numbers on the side in case one forgets how to count.

So, you really HAVE been watching me in my shop havent you?

Not that I would use one for such a purpose.

Often.

Cheers,

knewshound
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Old 11-22-2006, 06:27 PM   #9
Cheesefood
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TOOLS: Things that many middle-age suburban men collect in hopes that it will make them appear more masculine.

RIGHT TOOL: a very rare piece of equipment that most men have never seen. It's existence is often debated when said man is confronted with projects from ALPHA-FEMALE.

METRIC-WRENCH: What said ALPHA-FEMALE will inevitably bring man when asked to bring a 5/16" socket (see also: "PHILLIPS HEAD and SLOT HEAD").

REVERSIBLE EXTERIOR SCREWDRIVER: The piece of equipment needed to finish the current home project. A one-time use tool sold only at FAR-AWAY BUILDING SUPPLY STORE.

FAR-AWAY BUILDING SUPPLY STORE: an establishment that serves alcoholic beverages and features young women who remove clothing.

HANDY-MAN: the guy who inevitably fixes most projects. While many ALPHA-WOMEN think he is a threat to their spouselings, many men wouldn't mind one bit if ALPHA-WOMAN did, in fact, sleep with him if they could get out of paying his bill and maybe watch the damn game with him afterwards.
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Old 11-23-2006, 03:14 PM   #10
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Funny !! You left out the fact that pliers are also a great source or blood blisters on the hands. Hand drills are also great wrist strength testers. When you drill that last bit through a piece of metal and the bit catches, and you get to see the side of your hand that you normally can't see because it's twisted so far aroundby the drill and your wrist doesn't snap off and you can't let go and..... Damn, flashbacks!

Power tools are great!
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