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Old 11-05-2006, 06:40 PM   #1
Orpheus
 
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Jul 2006
Maryland 'burbs of Washington, D.C.
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Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI .. 1- MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.Amusing kick.

Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. TheseTexans are crazy.

CHILI .. 2- ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTER BURNER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI .. 3- FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting @!&&-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI .. 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI .. 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI .. 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI .. 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge .. 3 - No Report.
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Old 11-05-2006, 08:34 PM   #2
disaffected
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Hey, pretty good. I like that.

 
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Old 11-05-2006, 08:51 PM   #3
david_42
 
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Oct 2005
Willamina & Oak Grove, Oregon, USA
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Quote:
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
I need a pint after that one. Reminds me of the time I was helping Paul Curry roast peppers.
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Old 11-05-2006, 09:27 PM   #4
Pumbaa
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I think I married Frank . . . . I'm not allowed to make chili at home anymore unless I wuss it down to a point it aint worth eating
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Old 11-05-2006, 10:16 PM   #5
Cheesefood
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My mom's chili is basically hamburger-and-tomato soup with beans. I remember when I was about 15 and finally grabbed the jar of chile powder and kept dumping in more and more. My family thought I was crazy. Then I found red pepper flakes and dumped those in. My dad yelled at me that I was going to ruin my food and waste the bowl of chili.

That was my awakening to hot foods. I've been spicing up my meals ever since, although since I quit smoking, hot sauces are a lot hotter.
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Old 11-05-2006, 10:17 PM   #6
LewisM
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Aug 2006
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Quote:
CHILI .. 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge .. 3 - No Report.
haha, had a good laugh at that, nice find
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Old 11-05-2006, 10:22 PM   #7
Cheesefood
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orphy
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Actually, Springfield, IL has a restaurant called The Den and they have some famously hot chili. People in IL know hot food, and Springfield especially had some great restaurants.
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Old 11-05-2006, 10:54 PM   #8
Caplan
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Never understood the 'chilli thing' with men really. Why do we love it??? I've grown/dried/made pastes to freeze etc with chillies using mainly Asian/North African/Far East recipes.
When I can get my hands on a cheap tortilla press and a comal I'll start looking far south west too!

 
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