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Old 08-27-2009, 11:11 PM   #1
FireNightFly
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

 
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Old 08-28-2009, 04:02 AM   #2
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When you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards he keeps comin' and comin'...

We were so poor after my father died that the funeral director asked if we wanted paper or plastic for his ashes...

We were so poor when I was growing up that we couldn't afford any toys so if I didn't wake up with a hard-on I had nothing to play with all day...

The Russian Henny Youngman...Take my wife, I command you...
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Old 08-29-2009, 02:58 AM   #3
rasherb
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I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

 
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Old 08-29-2009, 03:28 AM   #4
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I played a country music record backwards and my wife came back, my dog came back and I quit drinking.

A bunch from the modern king of one-liners, Steven Wright:

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Old 08-29-2009, 03:31 AM   #5
shecky
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You left one out:
I put my key in the door to my house and it started up so I drove it around the block.

 
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Old 08-29-2009, 02:12 PM   #6
Bernie Brewer
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And another:

If you're traveling at the sped of light, do your headlights work?
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"Why don't we get drunk and screw?" Jimmy Buffett

 
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Old 08-29-2009, 02:39 PM   #7
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I bet you I could stop gambling.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot"
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Old 08-29-2009, 03:00 PM   #8
joejaz
 
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Henny Youngman was the king of the one liners.

I take my wife everywhere ---but she keeps coming back.

My wife said , take me some place I've never been before --- so I took her to the kitchen.

I played a horse yesterday, it took 7 horses to beat him.

If my mother new I did this for a living she would kill me, she thinks I'm selling dope.

A Polish man was stuck in an elevator for two hours during a blackout, I asked him why he didn't get out out and walk down, he said because he was going up.

I just got back from a pleasure trip, I took my mother-in -law to the airport.

The doctor told me I had six months to live, I said I wanted a second opinion, He says you're ugly too.
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"Life is too short to drink cheap beer."

 
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Old 08-29-2009, 03:20 PM   #9
joejaz
 
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one more . . .

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
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"Life is too short to drink cheap beer."

 
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Old 08-29-2009, 03:22 PM   #10
FireNightFly
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mygut hurtz fellas .. keep em coming, I loves it!!!

 
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