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Old 05-21-2009, 08:28 PM   #11
bull8042
I like 'em shaved
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Jul 2008
Fort Mill, SC
Posts: 10,263
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I am with Shecky on this one. I feel SOOOO much better about my life now!
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Old 05-21-2009, 08:49 PM   #12
Ceedubya
 
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Aug 2008
Helena, MT
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Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having terrible sex for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML
ouch

Quote:
Today, we were running late for school so my mum shouted at me to hurry up and get in the car. I put my school bags in the boot of the car and my mum drove off. It wasn't until she got to my school and told me to get out that she realised I wasn't there. FML
OUCH

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Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML
OOOWWWWEEEEEEE!

and the home run...

Quote:
Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having more sex than me and my wife. FML
At least it wasnt his daughers phone
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Old 05-22-2009, 12:08 AM   #13
staffVAJoe
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Feb 2009
Stafford, VA
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I just spent the last 2 hours reading these......... awesome site

 
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Old 05-22-2009, 04:00 AM   #14
z987k
 
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Feb 2007
Anchorage
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i'msobadatsex - because we all are

Quote:
I was on my period and my boyfriend was horny so he convinced me to do anal. It was going alright, but needed a little lubrication, so he decided some spit would do the trick. He pulled out and went in to spit, as he did this he spread my checks, which in turn caused me to fartÖdirectly in his mouth. Iím so bad at sex.
Quote:
Yesterday I realized that it has been over a month since I had any form of sexual activity. Due to finals and hard-core studying I didnít even care to masturbate for about a week. When I got home I decided to call ďan old friendĒ to help me relieve some stress. My parents were out for dinner so we chilled in the TV-room. Soon enough we started hooking up and after a few minutes she began going down on me. The girl was an absolute pro, just like I remembered her. Teasing me, she begged me not to finish as she really wanted to please me. After a good twenty minutes I couldnít hold it any longer, remember it has been a week. As I was about the finish the door opened, I flipped the girl over the couch and grabbed a pillow to cover my erection, but it was too late. As my mom walked in, standing right in front of us, I experienced one of the strongest orgasms, blowing my load straight into the pillow. Luckily my mom didnít seem to notice, she appeared to be looking for something. Then she grabs the pillow I was holding and leaves the room. A few seconds later, I hear a loud scream from the living room. The pillow was in fact a gift my mom had specially made for my grandmaís birthday, and yes it had her picture on the back. I came all over my grandmaís face. Iím so bad at sex.

 
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Old 05-22-2009, 04:13 AM   #15
DeathBrewer
Maniacally Malty
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Apr 2007
Oakland, CA
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Yeah...**** your life! wait...
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DIAICYLF
We will remember...

 
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:16 PM   #16
SchizoFilly
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Mar 2009
Burleson, TX
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This one just made me laugh...
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Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
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