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Old 05-21-2009, 06:44 PM   #1
GilaMinumBeer
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In similar spirit of "Text from last night".

FMyLife - FML : Your everyday life stories.

 
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:06 PM   #2
hammacks
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Some good ones...

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Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML
Quote:
Today, I was training for a sales associate job at a local department store (sitting in front of a computer watching videos about the rules). Six and a half hours into the eight hour long training period, the manager comes up and tells me I put the wrong CD in. FML
Quote:
Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a mars bar. I said that would be great and she proceeded to throw one at me, catching me off guard. The mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML
only for the last line.

Quote:
Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and proceeded to sing " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML
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Today, we were visiting my great-grandma, who has Alzheimer’s. We spent most of the day with her and she didn't know who we all were. Time came for us to leave so when I gave her a hug good-bye, she whispered into my ear, "You're my type." FML
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:08 PM   #3
Gremlyn
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Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed.
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:10 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by GilaMinumBeer View Post
In similar spirit of "Text from last night".

FMyLife - FML : Your everyday life stories.
That's great, I've been switching between the two all day, haven't got a damn thing done today.

"Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I having sex. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML"
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:18 PM   #5
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Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. Randomly, she confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML
Quote:
Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML
Quote:
Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping in the dog world meant dominance. Well, I decided to instill my dominance and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" and then my mom walked in. FML
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:24 PM   #6
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Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML
Quote:
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML



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Old 05-21-2009, 07:27 PM   #7
Gremlyn
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Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
Quote:
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:31 PM   #8
shecky
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Today, I like my life a whole lot more.

 
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:35 PM   #9
avaserfi
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Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML
Certainly has a sense of humor - and some more trauma:

Quote:
Today, my dad got really drunk. When I was about to go to bed, he was just coming out of the bathroom, he was fully naked, I immediately turned away and said "Okay Dad, time for bed". Thinking that I was my mum, he replied with "That's right bitch, I'm your daddy, I'll show you in bed". FML
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:58 PM   #10
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Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
Who was it?

 
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