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Old 05-06-2012, 05:30 AM   #71
Dan
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Oct 2010
Makakilo, Hawaii
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Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:15 PM   #72
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"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
-W.C. Fields

scientia potentia est

 
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Old 06-13-2012, 11:56 PM   #73
Slyko
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How do you know when you're at a Gay Picnic?

All the hot dogs taste like sh*t.

 
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Old 06-14-2012, 09:38 AM   #74
Goofynewfie
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Edmonton, Alberta
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why don't indians like snow?

cause its white and on their land
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Old 06-14-2012, 05:01 PM   #75
Jroy
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Agawam, Ma
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Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her........

Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches, the other watches.........

 
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Old 06-14-2012, 05:43 PM   #76
HawksBrewer
 
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Another pirate joke...

A pirate captain approaches a Spanish ship and yells to his first mate "Arrr, fetch me me red pants." The first mate does just this and the captain wears them throughout the battle.

Victorious, they sail on. The first mate yells "Ahoy Captain, two more Spanish war vessels"

Again, the captain yells "Arrr, fetch me me red pants."

Confused, the first mate asks "why do you wear your red pants?"

The Captain replies "arrr, if I bleed in battle I don't want me men to lose faith."

First mate fetches red pants, they win the battle and sail on.

The next day the first mate approaches the Captain "Sir, the entire Spanish armada is upon us from all sides"

"Arrrr, fetch me me brown pants."

 
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Old 06-15-2012, 10:33 PM   #77
Dmatson89
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Apr 2012
Metamora, IL
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Somewhere in mississippi ... A boy says to his dad "pa I think its about time i learn about the birds and the bees" the little boys father replies "son I would love to tell you about the birds and the bees but I think learning first hand is the best" so the father told the boy to go down to the whore house and ask the madam to teach him about the birds and the bees, but being very poor the little boy had no money and had to take a pet duck with him in hopes that it would suffice as payment.

When he got to the house the boy explained his situation to the madam, she agreed, took him upstairs and taught him about the birds and the bees. While the boy was putting his pants back on the madam said to him "Son that was the best i ever had, if you do that to me again I'll give you your duck back" Shocked the boy agreed and after another round was on his way home with duck still in hand.

On the way home the duck jumped out of his arms right into traffic and got hit by a truck. The truck driver stopped and feeling really bad that he just ran over the boys duck said "son I can't get your duck back for you but I can give you $20 so you can buy another one"

So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, "Well dad, I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a **** and 20 bucks for a ****ed up duck!"
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