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Old 03-29-2009, 04:42 PM   #11
Dec 2008
Oakland, California
Posts: 72
Liked 1 Times on 1 Posts

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "Do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery!?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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Old 03-29-2009, 05:57 PM   #12
mrkristofo's Avatar
Sep 2007
Behind the zion curtain
Posts: 922
Liked 6 Times on 6 Posts

Two muffins are sitting in the oven. The first muffin turns to the other one and says "Man, it's hot in here." The second replies "HOLY SH*T A TALKING MUFFIN!"


James Bond walks up to a bar next to a busty blonde woman and orders a martini. Making small talk, the woman says "My that's quite a nice watch. Rolex?"
"No, standard issue MI6...telepathic watch." The woman asks "Oh really? Well what does it say about me?" "Well...it says you're not wearing any panties." Shocked and offended, the woman tells him "That's absolutely untrue. How dare you!" Bond taps his watch, "Damn thing's an hour fast..."
Coming Soon:
Primary: Stone Vertical Epic 08.08.08
Secondary: Oaked Arrogant Bastard
Conditioning: Dead Guy Ale clone, Double-Dubbel
Drinking: Not for a while

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Old 03-29-2009, 06:30 PM   #13
Dec 2008
Oakland, California
Posts: 72
Liked 1 Times on 1 Posts

A shy guy goes into a bar. A beautiful woman, sits two bar stools down from him. he's really nervous but decides to flirt. He turns his head but before he can even say anything she yells "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Completely embarrassed, he moves to a booth by himself. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." He thinks for a minute. Then he yells at the top of his lungs "What do you mean, $500?"

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Old 04-08-2009, 03:47 AM   #14
Mar 2009
Sanford, NC
Posts: 111
Liked 2 Times on 2 Posts

Originally Posted by gratus fermentatio View Post
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman walk into a pub. The Englishman orders a Fuller's porter, the Irishman orders a Guinness & the Scotsman orders a McEwan's scotch ale. The bartender brings the 3 pints & the Englishman says "I can't drink this, there's a fly in my porter." The bartender goes to draw a fresh pint. The Irishman looks at his pint and sees a fly floating in it. He picks the fly out with his fingers, drops it on the floor & proceeds to have long pull off his pint. The Scotsman looks at his pint, sees a fly & quickly grabs it by the wings, pulls it out of the beer, holds it over the glass & starts tapping it on the back shouting "Spit it out! spit it out!"
I heard the version; The Irishman grabs it by the wings, holds him up and says "give it back, you wee bastard!" My grandpa woulda raised some fists over the previous version!

Three mice are sitting at the bar bragging about how tough they are. The first says "You know those traps everybody's freaking out about? I saw one the other day and when I went to grab the cheese, this big metal bar came crashing down at me. I grabbed it with one hand, snapped it off the hinges, and brought enough food home to my family to feed them for a week!" The other mice agreed that was pretty tough. The second mouse said "Well, I saw this bottle with three X's on it, snatched it up, and downed the whole bottle. Still made it to work that day!" The other mice agreed that was pretty tough. The last mouse gets up from the barstool, slams his beer down, and says "Well, suppose I should get home and f-u-c-k the ole cat!"

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Old 04-08-2009, 05:27 AM   #15
MikeFlynn74's Avatar
Nov 2007
Posts: 3,876
Liked 19 Times on 17 Posts

What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears. But every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that makes you cry.
If you find yourself going through hell, keep going- Winston Churchill
Originally Posted by Tenchiro View Post
The successful have nobody to blame but themselves, I really wish they would take some responsibility for their own actions...

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Old 04-08-2009, 04:50 PM   #16
homebrewer_99's Avatar
Feb 2005
Atkinson (near the Quad Cities), IL
Posts: 17,796
Liked 136 Times on 102 Posts

A skeleton walks into a bar.

The bartender say "What'll ya have"?

The skeleton says "A beer and a mop"....
HB Bill

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Old 04-08-2009, 09:15 PM   #17
david_42's Avatar
Oct 2005
Oak Grove, Oregon, USA
Posts: 25,599
Liked 158 Times on 148 Posts

An old guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a head-banger with multi-colored spikes in his hair. The old guy drinks a few beers and keeps staring at the kid. Finally the kid gets angry and demands to know why the old farker is staring at him. The old man says, "When I was in the Navy and stationed in Subic Bay, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought we might be related."
Remember one unassailable statistic, as explained by the late, great George Carlin: "Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!"

"I would like to die on Mars, just not on impact." Elon Musk

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Old 04-08-2009, 10:21 PM   #18
Dec 2008
Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 1,169
Liked 61 Times on 40 Posts

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy?

He walked into a bra.


A Pastrami on rye walks into a bar and orders a pint of stout, the barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve sandwiches".

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Old 04-08-2009, 10:25 PM   #19
BrewBrain's Avatar
Aug 2007
San Jose, CA
Posts: 1,110
Liked 10 Times on 9 Posts

What's the difference between an epileptic corn picker and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shakes while she shucks, the other ****s while she ****s!

sometimes the joke part is funnier than the punchline, no?

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Old 04-08-2009, 10:42 PM   #20
ChshreCat's Avatar
Aug 2008
Camano Island, Washington
Posts: 11,533
Liked 547 Times on 438 Posts

What's the difference between a sneak thief and a vinegar douche?

One of them is a purse snatcher.
"Science + beer = good!"
-Adam Savage

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