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Old 03-17-2009, 06:11 PM   #1
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Default Irish Jokes

The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave."S'cuse me", said a customer,who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman,"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


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Old 03-17-2009, 06:13 PM   #2
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The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.


"No,"
replied the Irishman."I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman..


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Old 03-17-2009, 06:14 PM   #3
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Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says,
"Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:16 PM   #4
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The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,and the other Irishman said,"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:17 PM   #5
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An Irishman walks out of a bar and says "What is this a joke?"


Get it? Walks OUT...

*thank you, try the veal*
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:18 PM   #6
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Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.


This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.


Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:19 PM   #7
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The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet,
he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:20 PM   #8
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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:21 PM   #9
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You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.


So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.


So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.


Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.


This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound a sleepas soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called;you left your wheelchair there again."
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:24 PM   #10
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Simply put.... thank you

I am Irish one day of the year. Complete with boiled dinner tonight.
Normally I am Italian. Growing up in Boston you can't help getting a little Irish


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