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Old 02-24-2009, 09:47 PM   #1
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Jun 2008
Maple Shade NJ
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United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'**************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!

'*******************************************After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

'*************************************Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'**********************************'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry I f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

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Old 02-24-2009, 09:52 PM   #2
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Southwest Airlines seems to, or used to, have the most "colorful" of announcements.

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Old 02-24-2009, 09:56 PM   #3
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Sep 2007
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

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Old 02-24-2009, 09:59 PM   #4
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Oct 2007
Littleton, CO
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I recall a flight attendant starting her safety announcement before the flight with:

"For those of you passengers who haven't been in a car since 1965, I will now demonstrate how to work the seatbelts."

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Old 02-24-2009, 10:00 PM   #5
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I was on a Southwest flight where the flight attendant sang over the speaker after we landed. It was to the tune of Willie Nelson's "Crazy" and was all about flying Southwest and being "crazy" for choosing another airline.
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Old 02-24-2009, 10:01 PM   #6
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Sep 2007
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I was sitting in an emergency exit row (one of the ones over the wing) once and the flight attendant was giving me the little private lesson on how to open the door. She then asked me what to do with the panel after I opened it in the event of an emergency. I said I would just chuck it out the window. She then told me, completely seriously, that I was not allowed to do that because it could damage the wing.

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Old 02-24-2009, 10:18 PM   #7
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May 2008
Durham, NC
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Funny timing. Just last week I was on a Delta flight and a male flight attendant said, "Hello ladies and gentlemen. My name is John(or something, I can't remember) and I'll be assisted today by my beautiful fiancee Jane (or something) and my ex-wife Julie (or something). I know what you're thinking, this may be a little akward, but we'll do our best to take care of you on the flight."

Or something to that effect. I probably butchered it but it was very funny. He was of course joking.
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Old 02-25-2009, 12:59 AM   #8
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Mar 2007
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Originally Posted by GilaMinumBeer View Post
Southwest Airlines seems to, or used to, have the most "colorful" of announcements.
(I was flying Southwest from Houston to Phoenix)
"If for some reason Southwest Airlines becomes Southwest cruise line between here in Phoenix, your seat cushions can be used as flotation devices."

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Old 02-25-2009, 01:31 AM   #9
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Dec 2007
Silver Spring, MD.
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On a southwest flight a few years ago and the guy is going through the safety brief and is talking about the masks. The whole time a kid is screaming. He talks about what to do if you are seated next to a child and then says, "If you are seated next to THAT child (points to the screaming kid), then I am truely sorry."

Man, I did not realize southwest was so funny.
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Old 02-25-2009, 03:50 AM   #10
Jan 2009
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I was on a United flight where the flight attendant came on the intercom after landing and said "please remain in your seat till the aircraft comes to a complete stop at the gate and the pilot has turned off the seatbelt sign.......then you can jump up and push and shove and try to be the first one off the plane".

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