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Old 02-24-2009, 02:37 PM   #1
Ragutis's Avatar
Nov 2008
Fayetteville, AR
Posts: 387
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I'll start with one of my favorites. No offense intended to the Irish.

An Irishman left the local pub and was making his way unsteadily home when he decided to take a shortcut and got lost.

He went to have a seat on a rock and figure out where he went wrong. As he sat he heard a squeak from the rock.

"Get off me you lout!" Shouted a leprechaun who had been napping on the rock.

Though in a drunken stupor the Irishman knew he had the leprechaun where he wanted him.

"Not until you grant me my wishes." said the Irishman.

"Get off me and I'll grant you the customary three wishes." Gasped the leprechaun.

Once freed, the leprechaun paced back and forth while the Irishman sat on the rock and pondered his wishes.

"Come on, come on. I don't have all night." Said the leprechaun.

"I'm too thirsty to think straight." Said the Irishman. "Make my first wish an nice cool pint of beer."

Poof, in his hand appeared a pint of beer.

"Come on, come on. What are your other two wishes?" Prodded the leprechaun.

"Just let me finish my beer and I'll tell you what the other two wishes are." Said the Irishman while sipping his beer.

"You'll never finish it. It's a magical beer. As soon as you empty it, it'll refill itself." Said the leprechaun.

The Irishman proceeded to drain the pint, but as soon as he brought it away from his lips, it was full again. Astonished, he once again drained the pint only to have it full again instantly.

"There, are you satisfied? Now, what are your other two wishes?" Asked the leprechaun.

Smiling, the Irishman said "I'll just have two more of these please."

Another obligatory joke....

How is Coors Light like making love in a canoe?
****ing close to water.


Share your favorite beer jokes here.

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Old 02-24-2009, 04:58 PM   #2
Ragutis's Avatar
Nov 2008
Fayetteville, AR
Posts: 387
Liked 4 Times on 3 Posts

No one else has a beer joke? Seriously?

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"

Another one.

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Reason: So as not to be a post whore

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Old 02-24-2009, 05:06 PM   #3
me-no-r-no Nice Guy
GreenwoodRover's Avatar
Mar 2008
Chicago, IL
Posts: 1,050
Liked 10 Times on 9 Posts

Ok I guess I'll have to be the idiot that does it....

The best beer joke ever....



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Originally Posted by david_42 View Post
only the $500,000 strippers can handle the load.
<Insert list of brews planned, fermenting, or being consumed here>

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Old 02-24-2009, 05:11 PM   #4
Feb 2009
San Antonio, TX
Posts: 316

how is drinking Bud Light, Miller Light, or Coors Light, like making love in a canew....... There both F@$king close to water!
Shamrock and Thistle Brewery

Primary1- Mead
Primary2- Cherry Oak Stout
Primary3- Strawberry Blond Ale
Secondary- IPA
Bottled- English Barley Wine
Keg1- Agave Wit
Keg2- Pale Ale
Keg3- Shiner Clown
Keg4- AIR

Back from deployment and ready to Brew

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Old 02-24-2009, 05:27 PM   #5
May 2008
Dedham, MA
Posts: 58

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "Iím from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I!"

"Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Primary: Brown Ale, Pear Wine, Peach Wine
Bottled: Pecan Porter, Brown Ale, Raspberry Wheat
Coming up: ???

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Old 02-24-2009, 05:58 PM   #6
Aug 2008
El Paso, tx
Posts: 121
Liked 3 Times on 3 Posts

Did a quick google search and came across this. I think its pretty funny

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

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Old 02-24-2009, 06:27 PM   #7
Jan 2009
Vancouver, BC
Posts: 115
Liked 14 Times on 10 Posts

A few Scottish ones for you.

A Scotsman on his way home from the pub had a wee to much too much to drink. So he laid himself down on a park bench to sleep it off. Along came a lady and saw him sleeping there, and she decided to play a joke on him. She took the red ribbon from her hair, lifted his kilt and tied it around his member.
When he awoke the next morning, he stumbled over to the nearest bush, lifted his kilt to take a leak and looked down.
"Ach, laddie I dinnae know where ye've been, but I see ya won first prize."

A drunk Scotsman was sitting in a park watching tourists wandering about. A lady from the US came over and asked if it was true that Scotsman don't wear anything under their kilts.
He replied, "Why don't you reach up and find out missus."
She reached up his kilt and quickly removed it shrieking, "Grewsome!"
"Aye, lass and if ye'd put your hand back up it'd grew some more."

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Old 02-24-2009, 06:53 PM   #8
Ragutis's Avatar
Nov 2008
Fayetteville, AR
Posts: 387
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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

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Old 02-24-2009, 06:56 PM   #9
Ragutis's Avatar
Nov 2008
Fayetteville, AR
Posts: 387
Liked 4 Times on 3 Posts

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

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Old 02-24-2009, 07:04 PM   #10
Ragutis's Avatar
Nov 2008
Fayetteville, AR
Posts: 387
Liked 4 Times on 3 Posts

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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