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Old 04-02-2009, 04:58 PM   #261
IrregularPulse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bernerbits View Post
Ouch. The unflattering analogies keep coming.

The point was that obviously she cares on some level, and someone who keeps my apartment clean makes me look good. I never claimed my emotional needs were being met.
If you make over 80K a year you could afford what they call a MAID to do that as well with no abuse

But i think the comparison to a horrible previous relationship makes this one seem not so bad. That is something you should bring up. Find a couple, friends, parents, grandparents, anyone who is in a good relationship close to you. Compare your's to that. Expect that kind of relationship, Realize that's the kind of relationship everyone should strive for, not just better than getting headbutted into concrete floors.
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Old 04-02-2009, 05:35 PM   #262
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^Actually, couples who have a homecleaning service tend to be much happier. Something to consider also.
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Old 04-02-2009, 05:39 PM   #263
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverend JC View Post
I am not a therapist, I do not play one on TV. (disclaimer)

From the last few posts from you berner it sounds like you need to start to value yourself. What I mean is, you need to learn your are a decent person and do not deserve to be treated that way. People in your situation refer to it as the spouse having a bad day, or, well they do some good things which should offset the not so good.

I suspect counceling will mirror what I am thinking about you valueing yourself and realizing self worth. This has nothing to do with standing up for yourself or not being a pushover. If you understand you are a good person and have alot of good qualities you may find it alot easier to think, "you know there are a lot of other fish in the sea and if i do make a choice to leave her I will not be alone forever". No, you have never said anything about not wanting to be alone, but we are all human, no one wants to fail or be alone.

And your wife. I am sure she has good qualities. everyone does. Are they qualites that help you feel like a good person, or are they qualities that make you feel taken care of? All the things she does, that you have pointed out, are things that one does to take care of someone. Think of yourself as a dog. She would then instead of breakfast and dinner be feeding you and walking you, but not giving you what you need as a couple. You dont need a mother, you need a spouse.
I would also bet that the counselor tells her she has an anger problem. I bet if she can hear that and her ego is not damaged it can go along way in healing your relationship.

good luck my friend.

+1.

I was re-reading this with my wife, and we both came to the same conclusion.

It doesn't sound like you have a lot of self-confidence. This is not meant in any way as an attack, but it really seems like you're not feeling all that great about who YOU are. Forget about the relationship for the time being; you've got to feel good about all the great things about yourself.

I almost wonder whether it would be just as worthwhile for you to talk to someone, just yourself, even moreso than couples therapy. I mean, given the limitations of this BEING an internet forum and not knowing either of you personally, it sure reads like you both have some issues with self-confidence. With her, it takes the form of being controlling/abusive, with you, letting yourself remain in what seems to be an unhealthy relationship.

I don't see how a relationship counselor is going to help if you both have core issues with yourselves.

Good luck.
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Old 04-02-2009, 05:46 PM   #264
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrregularPulse View Post
If you make over 80K a year you could afford what they call a MAID to do that as well with no abuse
I have suggested maid service in the past. Unfortunately my current pay is only secure for the next 5-6 months since I'm now making most of my money on contract-by-contract bases. But even back when I was full-time employed, I was making $40K more than her. The only one putting into savings has been me.

I'm thinking in our cases, a counselor would be likely to suggest individual therapy as well as couple therapy. I've got health insurance in the works but until then she's $90 a pop.

 
Old 04-02-2009, 06:59 PM   #265
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shecky View Post
Wow, such compassion.

You make a lot of accusations without knowing the man's wife. Granted, it's a bad situation and mirrors my first marriage, as I've already stated. But let's stop jumping on berner, please. We each approach it in different ways.

I'm not jumping on him, I'm just saying is - people don't really change...
they can modify thier behavior some, sure... but at the end of the day they still are who they are - all this huggy feely crap like "counciling" isn't going to change either of the folks involved - The OP is still going to have to deal with a wife who is at her core... an angry bitch. (the fact that she holds a silly "body shot" taken 3 years prior to the marrage over his head as ammunition for her tirades is utter maddness bordering on pathological) yeah at councelling she might say she's "going to try and make things work" - but I've heard this before- men and women both, mind you, in other relationships (and a few of my own) say the same damn thing. IMHO... once an abuser... always an abuser.
and this woman is being abusive - now of course the OP may not be totaly innocent in all this, but suffice to say the fact that he finaly grew some balls and hollared back at her and really told her what was on his mind, then felt like crap aftwards leads me to belive his heart is in the right place and he's probably the more rightous of the two!

the sad thing Is I can read enough into this situation to know that if it's splitsville, this woman is going to be a vindictive, vicious turd about it. (she is already being a vicious vindictive turd) she WILL make his life more of a living hell, you can count on it... my advice on letting her make the step into the realm of physical abuse is probably the only way this poor guy is going to make it out of this with most of his financial assets in good order - too often the guy gets the short end of the stick in a divorce or leagal seperation.
however if the lady in question crosses the line into being a cheater/adultress or physical abuser, the poor bloke can usually escape with enough of his twig and berries intact to get on with life and find someone more compatable to be with.

and FYI, I'm a happliy married man, who got lucky and found the "right" woman to complement my normally dark, twisted, agressive and generaly pessimistic outlook on life. my wife plays the light to my dark - and the two of us are stronger because of it. we have our arguments, but generally it's petty small stuff that we get resolved quickly. in a "good" relationship there are no "skeletons in the closet" involving behaviors prior to the marriage,
my past exploits and blunders were aired out during the dating phase, as were hers - we both agreed that the past is the past and moved on. I can chat up any lady I like, in my wifes presance or not and suffer no ill concequences, and she in turn can do the same with any man she meets at a social function, neither one of us are interested in cheating or looking elsewhere for phyisical or mental companionship - a person should be able to enjoy the innocent company of the opposite sex while in a relationship, after all we are social animals, and grow though our interaction with other humans.
and a healthy relationship should be able to absorb this kind of interaction.
for example if I meet a lady of interest, I usually chat her up as if she were "one of the guys" and later report back to my wife something like: "hey I met this cool chick, seems like a nice person to hang out with, she invited us to come out to a beach party she's having" does this mean I want to bang this girl? no... just simple social networking going on, pure and simple.
I also have a habit of flirting with waitresses if they are interesting mentaly and physically. this is just to test if "I still have it" my wife knows I do this - and somtimes even gets amused by it. does this mean I want to go out and actually boink cocktail waitresses? uhhhhh. no... it's purely a mental game I like to play, my wife does the same thing with her Yoga classmates and male staff at resturants. (actually it's a bit of a turn on for me when some guy is so obviously attracted to my wife -makes me feel like "heh, Too bad for you dude, I won... keep dreamin' ")

At age 27, the OP is too young to deal with being miserable - that is all I'm saying... he's still got a ton of ground to cover in his life - and being anchored to such a petty, vindictive person is going to cost him in the long run.
either he needs to fix it and fix it proper, or move on and find something better.
I really wish him the best of luck, and honestly - I'm rooting for him.
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Old 06-03-2009, 02:19 PM   #266
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OK guys, I suppose an update is in order. Leslie and I have been in counseling, both individually and as a couple, for the past two months. It's not all worked out, of course, but at least the therapist has us communicating, which is at least a step in the right direction. I feel disinclined at this point to continue revealing intimate details of my relationship, or using this board as a tool for venting.

I appreciate all the advice, but now I think it would be better, now that we are actively working at improving this marriage, to allow me the privacy to work at it on my own. If things continue to deteriorate, I will try and make the best choice for both of us, but for now I've decided to try and make it work first.

If any of you are bothered by this for any reason, I think it's a fair bet I've heard all you have to say, and I'd appreciate your kindness in keeping silent.

 
Old 06-03-2009, 02:22 PM   #267
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Lock, please.
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This is HBT of course. Normal Thread that goes every direction but the one intended. This forum should be scientific proof the beer causes ADD

 
Old 06-03-2009, 02:26 PM   #268
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Hope everything works out and you end up happy, whether that is together or apart.

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Lock, please.
I 2nd that notion.
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Old 06-03-2009, 02:45 PM   #269
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It's cool to see you are giving things a chance. I wish you the best no matter what.
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