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Old 03-05-2009, 01:09 PM   #171
Stef1966
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Jeeesuuuus.... Why does it have to be so complicated?

Let me ask you a question:

1- Did you ever at one point, felt she was madly in love with you, and that she was real nice and kind with you, told you very sweet words and told you that it would be forever?

2- Did you at one point ever really felt you both were being a strong team, felt like you could share just about anything with her, be really at ease talking anything with her?

3- Did you ever feel at one point she had total confidence in your mutual relationship, not being afraid to let you go have a beer or two with buddies knowing she could totally trust you?

If any of these questions is No, then sorry, you got nothing worth fighting for in there.
Fixing something that was never really there is not worth it.
There has to be something in the first place, otherwise, youre just fooling yourself dude.

Sorry to be that direct and raw, but it tears me appart to see a dude in such a sad situation.

I've been married for 5 years now, and before that, i was with her for 10 additional years, it always been a strong team between the two of us, we met while we were still pretty young and even thought we had some tuff moments, we always felt the huge bond between us was the force that was gonna move any freaking mountains that would dare step in our way.

Now i always felt this was something real special, something to work and fight for.

I wish you the exact same thing dude.
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Old 03-05-2009, 01:44 PM   #172
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From what I've just read, she needs to be in therapy alone, and you both need it together.
Once she starts working on her issues, it will help the two of you work on yours.
Do WHATEVER it takes to make, and KEEP, the appointments. A good therapist doesn't take sides, so don't worry about that aspect. If you can, find a PhD, and not someone with only an Associates degree. Been there, done that. I would also recomend a Psychologist over a Psychiatrist. A Psychologist will sit and talk to you for an hour (or so) at a time, and may recomend meds, where a Psychiatrist will talk to you for a few minutes, write out a prescription, and then most likely pass you off to an therapist. Again, been there, ...
I wish you the best of luck, brother. This sounds WAY to much like my marriage, which ended up in flames after I finally decided to pull the pin when she refused to work on things.
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Old 03-05-2009, 01:49 PM   #173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bernerbits View Post
Well and see, all the advice I got pre-marriage was that marriage is a lot of work and not all fun and happy all the time. So I guess I expected to have some fights and for her to be angry at me some of the time.
Yes marriage is not ALL fun and happiness, but the majority of it should be! And if this is something that happens occasioanlly, IE once every 4-5 months then it's fine, but this thread comes across as a daily lifestyle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bernerbits View Post
jesus tap-dancing christ it's not projective identification!!

her mom abandoned her and her three siblings when she was like 11 and came back after long periods of absence every couple years with a different husband. Her father was a drug addict that threatened to kill her mom which prompted her to divorce him AND LEAVE THE KIDS IN HIS CUSTODY.

Eventually her grandparents kidnapped them from her father, obtained guardianship, and cut off all contact between them and both parents so they could have a normal childhood.

Her mom's currently a nurse with a pain pill addiction, her stepdad is an alcoholic, and together the two have a huge gambling problem. They've come to us asking for money and I've flat out refused them which has prompted her mother to decide I'm the bad son-in-law. This compared to my brother-in-law who steals credit card numbers and sleeps around on my wife's sister, whom he has a CHILD with and ANOTHER ALONG THE WAY. Her sister is aware of it, and she F*CKING FORGIVES HIM EVERY GODDAMN TIME because she thinks her kids need a father.

SO YEAH SHE'S GOT ISSUES. It's a f*cking miracle she's as normal as she is. Now everyone please stop speculating that she's got some skeletons she's not telling me about because I think I've got a PRETTY GOOD CLUE.
Another VERY IMPORTANT reason she needs to be in counseling. It's not her fault these things happened to her and she needs professional help dealing with them. It shows nothing about her being damaged or weak, just that she had some hard times as a kid and her ideals about the world are most likely very skewed. She obviously has trust issues and understandably so! I tihnk you too need marriage counseling session, not just planning, and she needs 1 on 1 therapy. If she can get help with these things it will make life much easier.

I would also recommend some personal therapy for yourself while you're at it. You obviously have big issues with self worth which is contributing in a big way to this lifestyle you're accepting. Most of your posts here are asking for our approval of you as a man, talking about your ego, and/or standing up for the woman you're here to complain about when we give you outsider advice. Now there's nothing wrong by ANY MEANS with standing up for wife, you should stand up for your wife. But do not defend the very things she does that you come here to complain about.

It's been several days since you first mentioned Therapy. If you REALLY wanted it, you would at the very least have an appointment scheduled already.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Stef1966 View Post
Jeeesuuuus.... Why is it that so complicated?

Let me ask you a question:

1- Did you ever at one point, felt she was madly in love with you, and that she was real nice and kind with you, told you very sweet words and told you that it would be forever?

2- Did you at one point ever really felt you both were being a strong team, felt like you could share just about anything with her, be really at ease talking anything with her?

3- Did you ever feel at one point she had total confidence in your mutual relationship, not being afraid to let you go have a beer or two with buddies knowing she could totally trust you?

If any of these questions is No, then sorry, you got nothing worth fighting for in there.
Fixing something that was never really there is not worth it.
There has to be something in the first place, otherwise, youre just fooling yourself dude.

Sorry to be that direct and raw, but it tears me appart to see a dude in such a sad situation.

I've been married for 5 years now, and before that, i was with her for 10 additional years, it always been a strong team between the two of us, we met at high school while we were still pretty young and even thought we had some tuff moments, we always felt the huge bond between us was the force that was gonna move any freaking mountains that would dare step in our way.

Now i always felt this was something real special, something to work and fight for.

I wish you the exact same thing dude.
This should be standard in every marriage. unfortunately people settle. Be it due to low self esteem not thinking they could get better, The need for a HOT wife not caring about personality, Finanical reasons, whatever.

I'd rather be poor and married to an ugly chick and be Truly HAPPY with life, than be rich and married to hottie and be MISERABLE.
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Old 03-05-2009, 01:54 PM   #174
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And if you don't like that post, here's the response you initially came here for.

Bernie, don't worry man, things will be okay, this is normal in every new marriage. Marriage is tough, don't beat yourself up, you're doing nothing wrong and it sounds like you got a great woman there. Give her time, she'll come around. you're doing the Manly thing here by honoring your wedding vows. Wedding vows are far more important than happiness.
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Old 03-05-2009, 02:27 PM   #175
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Quote:
It's been several days since you first mentioned Therapy. If you REALLY wanted it, you would at the very least have an appointment scheduled already.
Look, I HAD the appointment. She either couldn't or wouldn't take the day off to go do it, and the therapist didn't take Friday appointments, which is her day off. I left a message asking about evening appointments, the lady didn't get back to me, and I had other things get in the way so I didn't get back to calling other therapists.

And I'm not on here right now because of anything going down. I just wanted to talk about the fact that she did ok for just one week after this nightmare AND me having a normal chat with a woman and being able to be honest about it without her going nuts.

As far as incidents of the magnitude experienced two weeks ago, yeah, I can say there's 4-5 months in between sh1t like that going down. Little quibbles over me accidentally calling her fat, not putting my dishes in the sink or leaving my clothes on the floor, griping about my driving or my awkward tendencies in social situations, her passive-aggressive behavior towards every single woman on earth that doesn't have some huge defect or personality trait that makes her unf*ckable ... those are more frequent.

So it's like the other guy said, I know the dings and it's comfortable, and I've learned how to work with the defects, but every once in a while it burns up a nice pair of slacks.

But honestly, if people are really that insistent on me cutting and running, I wonder if there's any respect for marriage left at all. Yeah it's a bitch, but I put myself in this situation and it's not exactly the honorable thing to bail, especially this soon after having made that commitment. Does everyone on this board go around breaking solemn promises because it conflicts with their emotions? If my word doesn't count for sh1t then what respect do I really even deserve?

And as for firestarter, I have no respect for Kirk Cameron and don't want my money going anywhere near the guy.


 
Old 03-05-2009, 02:37 PM   #176
Stef1966
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Quote:
But honestly, if people are really that insistent on me cutting and running, I wonder if there's any respect for marriage left at all. Yeah it's a bitch, but I put myself in this situation and it's not exactly the honorable thing to bail, especially this soon after having made that commitment. And if my word doesn't count for sh1t then what respect do I honestly deserve?
...Dude... I give up.
We obviously do not come from the same planet.

Good luck.
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Old 03-05-2009, 02:45 PM   #177
bernerbrau
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Quote:
We obviously do not come from the same planet.
God I wish that were the first time someone's expressed that sentiment.

It's crap like that that makes me wonder if I'm even reading the situation right or if I'm instead just clinically insane and unable to correctly recall anything that has ever happened accurately. Hell, maybe I came home and started sh1t. I was relatively inebriated, maybe I just don't remember. Maybe I'm reading typical girl behavior and totally misinterpreting it.

How am I supposed to know when some people really do suspect I'm nuts?


 
Old 03-05-2009, 02:52 PM   #178
bernerbrau
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Well sh1t guys, ya come in here telling a kid who's been married six months to draw up the papers? What did you think was gonna happen? I was gonna go, OK, yeah, that sounds like a great plan! and be a free bird within the hour?

I guess I should have realized that since the majority of people here are either of the "put up or shut up" or "get the f*ck out" mentality, I'm wasting my time.

Especially since several people here have already expressed resignation and probably aren't coming back. Which makes me feel even better because oh wonderful, I've pissed people off with my complaining and by refusing to take their advice and instead of make things better I'm making enemies and burning bridges.

Maybe I'll take the day off and drink. Or on second thought, I guess I'll make that appointment today and go bitch to the therapist. At least he gets paid to listen to my bullsh1t.


 
Old 03-05-2009, 02:56 PM   #179
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I spent way too many years of my life with someone who was crazy and jealous and had all kinds of baggage from a crappy childhood. We both had piss-poor self esteem. We were miserable. The only times we weren't really miserable together was when we were ****ing.

You can't really fix someone's baggage. If she's got all of these issues, she has to deal with them. If she's not ready to deal with them, well... that leaves you in a hell of a bind. If she's not willing to do what she needs to do to be happy (get some therapy), then you need to take responsibility for your OWN happiness.

It sucks leaving someone that you've spent years with. It sucks having to start over, but you're young like I was... if she's not willing to make any effort to get herself "fixed", to get herself in a place where SHE'S happy, you're going to be miserable and resentful and spiteful the whole time you're there. It just isn't worth it.
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Old 03-05-2009, 02:56 PM   #180
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bernerbits View Post
Swear to f*cking christ it's weird nobody seems to respect the whole I vowed to stick it out for better or for worse with this woman so I'd better at least make some f*cking effort because if I make that promise then cut and run at the first sign of difficulty it's gonna be pretty goddamn difficult to consider my self a decent human being ever again aspect of this situation.

And I've sat with buddies at the bar who said the same EXACT thing for years. There is no year, two year, five year time frame where you can hit the check box and say "I've worked at it long enough and I'm done". You want to work at having a loving relationship. That automatically makes you a decent human being.

You're getting comments for guys that say "Sh1t, that was ME and I lived that for 5 years until I got out." Everyone has to live their own life, but it always helps to look at someone else's mistakes so you don't make the same.

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