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Old 03-05-2009, 12:16 AM   #151
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bernerbits View Post

Also, the "dump her and move on" people -- do you normally give this advice to someone who's been married only half a year? I mean again, not being able to sustain a marriage for 6 months -- I believe I've mentioned my ego issues before.
Pardon my inability to be nice here but, what ego? You would rather walk on eggshells, compromise who YOU are, bow down to her every wish and try to be "the understanding husband" just to try to please someone who is not able to be pleased.... on the basis of your ego being hurt since you "couldn't even make this work for 6 months?"

Your Ego is the direct end result of your self worth, not some odd need/want to make a successful marriage happen. Thats not Your Ego.

She accuses you of cheating all the time? Either you are doing really shady things like not answering your phone, disappearing multiple nights of the week with no explanation, not being at work when you say you are etc, or... or... well, sometimes in order to justify "wrong doings", the person in the mirror needs to point the finger at someone else because they can't bear to look at themselves anymore.

Just saying...

My 2 cents.

 
Old 03-05-2009, 12:18 AM   #152
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Berner, are there kids involved? From what I read, I don't think so.

She's already proven she's not going to work with you and fix problems. You need to set an appointment with the councilor. If she balks, you've got your answer. One half working the problem isn't going to solve the problem.

Would you stay in a job if your coworker(s) treated you like this? Would you be friend's with guys that disrespected you this way?

She's only working with you when you scream at her and shock her system. I respect the fact that you want to work on this, but sometimes the only answer is to pay your losses and leave the table.

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Old 03-05-2009, 01:05 AM   #153
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Don't talk yourself out of counseling just because it may be hard on you. If what you say is true the counselor will find your wifes faults, I'm sure you have yours as well but they don't seem to be the problem here. Also I know you don't think you should give up this early, and let me tell you you should try your hardest, but sometimes we don't find the right one the first time so don't feel like a failure if it just doesn't work out. Either way your going to learn a lot about yourself through all of this. I have way more friends that have messed up relationships than I have friends that have normal ones, most of the time I just wish they would realize that things are not working and move on. One of my best friends says that my wife and I are one of the only what he would consider healthy relationships that he knows, he wouldn't lie to me, and I can truly say that I agree with him that my wife and I have a good relationship. We enjoy each others company like best friends do, that is what marriage should be like.
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Old 03-05-2009, 01:10 AM   #154
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the easiest path is not always the wisest path. hard things happen to all of us everyday. your have to overcome your challenges. ever hear the saying "nothing free is worth having."? take a step back and re-evaluate before making a decision that will impact the rest of your life.

 
Old 03-05-2009, 01:35 AM   #155
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Originally Posted by bernerbits View Post
I've wondered about the bipolar thing, actually.
+1 on that. If this happens all the time, it sure sounds like it. I have relatives who are bipolar who used to fly off the handle and get all delusional like that. Now that they are treated for it they are fine.

Crawling through the thread it looks like you are on the right track. Good luck.
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Old 03-05-2009, 04:54 AM   #156
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Berner, are there kids involved? From what I read, I don't think so.
Hoo boy. I know it's a long thread and I really don't like to have to re-condense the thread every time someone asks the same questions but no, no kids.

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Originally Posted by mmb View Post
She's already proven she's not going to work with you and fix problems.
What specifically is giving you that impression? She's agreed to see a counselor, I just dropped the ball by finding someone who doesn't take Friday appointments and waiting too long for them to get back to me about whether they make evening appointments or not.

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Would you stay in a job if your coworker(s) treated you like this? Would you be friend's with guys that disrespected you this way?
Again with the whole it's really not all the time thing. It's just infrequent enough that I can forget about it long enough to let my guard down.

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She's only working with you when you scream at her and shock her system.
sh1t no, screaming back results in things getting worse. Her own self reflection the morning after and my half a week of total withdrawal from her shocked her system.

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I respect the fact that you want to work on this, but sometimes the only answer is to pay your losses and leave the table.
Swear to f*cking christ it's weird nobody seems to respect the whole I vowed to stick it out for better or for worse with this woman so I'd better at least make some f*cking effort because if I make that promise then cut and run at the first sign of difficulty it's gonna be pretty goddamn difficult to consider my self a decent human being ever again aspect of this situation.

 
Old 03-05-2009, 04:58 AM   #157
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Pardon my inability to be nice here but, what ego?
Nice. Do you bust every guy with self esteem issues by telling him you think he has lower self esteem than he thinks? Do you not get that it's a vicious effing cycle and the more self esteem I can convince myself I have, the more I can hang onto in the long run?

Sh1t, I know it could be a whole goddamn hell of a lot worse, because I've been through a whole goddamn hell of a lot worse in another relationship. I know for a fact I have more self respect now than I did then. Back then I wouldn't even have sought advice. At least now I fight back and I don't resign myself to the whole "she's probably right and I'm probably wrong" just to make problems go away.

I'm just up right now because I opened up this can o' worms earlier and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since, and she's snoring and I can't shut my brain off when she snores.

Did I mention I probably landed a 6-month contract with possibility of hire and a fairly decent pay increase? Don't want to jinx it but does anyone want to at least congratulate me on THAT so I'm not just feeling like an ass for both questioning this relationship AND pissing on all yall's advice?


 
Old 03-05-2009, 05:01 AM   #158
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IMO when someone is that un-trusting/controlling/nuts its because they are doing the very thing they are accusing you of.
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Old 03-05-2009, 05:08 AM   #159
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jesus tap-dancing christ it's not projective identification!!

her mom abandoned her and her three siblings when she was like 11 and came back after long periods of absence every couple years with a different husband. Her father was a drug addict that threatened to kill her mom which prompted her to divorce him AND LEAVE THE KIDS IN HIS CUSTODY.

Eventually her grandparents kidnapped them from her father, obtained guardianship, and cut off all contact between them and both parents so they could have a normal childhood.

Her mom's currently a nurse with a pain pill addiction, her stepdad is an alcoholic, and together the two have a huge gambling problem. They've come to us asking for money and I've flat out refused them which has prompted her mother to decide I'm the bad son-in-law. This compared to my brother-in-law who steals credit card numbers and sleeps around on my wife's sister, whom he has a CHILD with and ANOTHER ALONG THE WAY. Her sister is aware of it, and she F*CKING FORGIVES HIM EVERY GODDAMN TIME because she thinks her kids need a father.

SO YEAH SHE'S GOT ISSUES. It's a f*cking miracle she's as normal as she is. Now everyone please stop speculating that she's got some skeletons she's not telling me about because I think I've got a PRETTY GOOD CLUE.


 
Old 03-05-2009, 05:14 AM   #160
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Its your life- be as miserable as you want to be.

IMO your situation would cause me to leave the ****ing country
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Quote:
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The successful have nobody to blame but themselves, I really wish they would take some responsibility for their own actions...

 
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