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Nic0

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No delicate way to put this....who has gone through a separation/divorce before in a Marriage? Suggestions? Advice? Words of Wisdom? Anything inbetween?

Thanks,

Nic
 
Ouch! Sorry man. There was a thread on here last year that turned into a really good thread about divorce and separation, but I can't remember where it is. Either way, you'll soon see, that most of us on here have been divorced or separated at some point. It's tough and hard as hell. Keep you head up and try to stay positive. The one thing I did was make sure that I did NOT drink a lot. Knowing that I have a tendency to imbibe a bit too much I knew that drowning my sorrows was a bad idea. Surround yourself with friends too. Try to do things to take your mind off of it, ie, brew more. Tme is really the only thing that will make it better.

Have you been married long? Is a divorce definite or just a separation? Kids? I hope that it works out for you! Good luck.
 
Ouch! Sorry man. There was a thread on here last year that turned into a really good thread about divorce and separation, but I can't remember where it is. Either way, you'll soon see, that most of us on here have been divorced or separated at some point. It's tough and hard as hell. Keep you head up and try to stay positive. The one thing I did was make sure that I did NOT drink a lot. Knowing that I have a tendency to imbibe a bit too much I knew that drowning my sorrows was a bad idea. Surround yourself with friends too. Try to do things to take your mind off of it, ie, brew more. Tme is really the only thing that will make it better.

Have you been married long? Is a divorce definite or just a separation? Kids? I hope that it works out for you! Good luck.

Wow. "most" is a pretty large number!

ANyway, I'll try not to get too detailed but we married in Nov 2009, so a little over a year. I never expected things to be easy and not require work. We had our tiffs and arguments, but rarely anything major. A few months back (before the 1 year mark) she just kinda told me she wasn't happy, but she didn't really know why, and I still don't think she does. She's jsut been going out all the time since then (it ramped up, not sudden). She's told me I'm a great husband and all her friends think she's crazy for not being happy, but hey you can't force happiness. We are not currently divorced, but we are separating in a couple of weeks. She has never had a chance to really fully support herself, and always had parents to bail her out financially if needed, so I think one thing that's bothering her is that she doesn't even know if she can do it. Maybe that's the ONLY major thing. We will see. But she's got an apartment lease signed and getting all set up to move out at the end of the month. That's kinda where we stand.

No kids, and none in the making as far as I know. And I guess I'm old and don't typically try to drink my problems away. I've tried to stay positive and I Think I'm handling it well... got plenty of good friends. Not all of them know yet, still trying to find the best way to break it to them and my family (her mom knows, don't think her dad knows).

Anyway, well thanks for the help..... I'll hope for the best.


Nic
 
Sounds like a somewhat amicable separation. Very different from the couple that I know that went through this. I'm kind of feeling sorry for her, not knowing why she is not happy. Many facets of life can depress you. Hell, just getting older is a bit depressing! Maybe all she needs is to be on her own for a bit and see what life alone is like.

And it sucks being "a great person and all", but still not being able to make it work. Hang in there, keep on being yourself and you will be happy. People do get back together, so who knows if this is temporary, or the start of something completely different for you.

I'm lucky to be in a marriage where I think we both look forward to growing old together. Ok, maybe not growing old together, but being together. Can't help the growing old part!

As far as advice, I'd say, don't make it harder for both of you by being a jerk. It only takes one to start a jerk fest.
 
Maybe I should restate the "most" of us comment. What I meant was that most of the people that commented on that prefvious thread had been through something similar.

To comment on homer's comment, my wife and I separated a month before our 10th anniversary. She wasn't happy and moved out. 8 months later we worked things out and she moved home. We have our 12th anniversary in a couple of weeks. So it is possible. Just stay positive and don't try to start arguements over trivial things.
 
Sorry to hear it, hope it works out for both of you. Stay positive, get a lawyer. Don't share a lawyer with your wife to save money, it will cost you in the end. Get control of the credit cards, checking and savings accounts. Make sure her name or authority to use those accounts is removed. If you owned a home together get her to sign a quit claim. Get a lawyer and file the divorce papers before she does. Did I mention "Get a Lawyer"!

Sorry to be so cold, but my ex and I didn't walk away from the marriage smiling!
 
Break all ties as soon as the decision is final and stick to it, that's advice I give everyone. Not completely breaking ties hurt me in the end. And it gets better. I am now happily married again, with a kid and wouldn't trade my new family for anything. Live and learn...
 
Sounds like a somewhat amicable separation. Very different from the couple that I know that went through this. I'm kind of feeling sorry for her, not knowing why she is not happy. Many facets of life can depress you. Hell, just getting older is a bit depressing! Maybe all she needs is to be on her own for a bit and see what life alone is like.

And it sucks being "a great person and all", but still not being able to make it work. Hang in there, keep on being yourself and you will be happy. People do get back together, so who knows if this is temporary, or the start of something completely different for you.

I'm lucky to be in a marriage where I think we both look forward to growing old together. Ok, maybe not growing old together, but being together. Can't help the growing old part!

As far as advice, I'd say, don't make it harder for both of you by being a jerk. It only takes one to start a jerk fest.

I feel sorry for her too. And she's agreed to go to counseling with me (or separately, if needed).

And rarely will I be a jerk to anyone (maybe if they cut me off in traffic). If for some reason things didn't work out, I'd rather end up with a friend than an enemy, or neutral party at worst.
 
Im on marriage number 3 (one divorce involving a child, one not) so not a marriage counselor, but familiar with separations. If you want things to work, give space and let her get it together. Just let her come to you when she is ready. If you arent up to waiting or have lost faith, cut it off completely to save yourself some heartache. Like mentioned earlier, only time will fix it and nothing can speed that up. Good luck, and use this thread to vent as needed. Seems like there are plenty of people here willing to help
 
Bro, I'm so sorry. If you don't mind me asking, do you want to stay with her (romantically), or are you ready to end this?

I know what it feels like bro. It's rough.
 
It's difficult to diagnose a relationship problem through a few paragraphs. I don't know whether the problem here is that she has decided to be a different person, something she didn't like in the relationship became too much, there is some infidelity going on, she feels smothered, etc. Although I could speculate, there's really not a point.

What concerns me is that she doesn't know why she is unhappy with your marriage but she knows she wants to move out and she's going out a lot. That doesn't sound like somebody who wants to works things out with you, that sounds like somebody who isn't invested in the relationship or your feelings. I could be really wrong, but that's how it sounds. She could legitimately want to work things out and that is why she is willing to go to counseling but it could also be a way to keep you strung along until she can financially support herself.

I'm also concerned that you got married and you knew it was going to be difficult. That doesn't really make sense. I mean, look, we all argue and fight with our family, friends, coworkers, etc. but I doubt you speak about your friendships as something you "never expected to be easy".

It sounds like this was a relationship with some fundamental issues to begin with. You can't control what she decides to do going forward and you shouldn't try to bend yourself into a different person to try to convince her to stay. You should do some soul searching and decide if this relationship is really a good place for YOU and what YOU want in your life. Do you get treated the way you desire to be treated? Do you get treated as well as you treat her? Do you want to stay in a situation that you didn't expect to be easy or would your time and energy be better suited to find a better place? Do you feel like you can be yourself and be happy in the relationship?

I'm not advocating that the grass is always greener on the other side, but sometimes people get into relationships and they ignore the glaring problems because they like some parts or feel like they need to be in this relationship. Then they convince themselves that the daily heartache isn't all that bad and everybody else must go through the same thing.
 
I should not have married my practice wife but I had hope that we could make more good times than bad.
One day she told me she thought we should seperate. I thought on it and told her that if I had to leave I wasn't coming back. She had been going out and ramping it up for a while before this happened. THere was no way I was going to let her do what she wanted while I sat around waiting to see what she decided. If this is a possibility in your situation I strongly suggest calling an end to it and move on. A person does not get to have their cake and eat it too. THey are in or they are out. Every time I hear the "I'm just not happy" I think of George Costanza and "Its not you, its me". Its the line of a weak person.
If her parents have a history of bailing her out then she is likely incapable of growing her own happiness and pushing through a hard time. If she was invested she would lean on you and let you help her through what she is feeling. It sems to me she is not as she just wants to walk away.

You know what to do, and you should do it.
 
Thanks, everyone for the suggestions, stories of experience, and other thoughts. I think at this point I'm becoming quite confused as well.

northernlad, the "it's not you, it's me" phrase came to my mind as well.

But I try not to let hard times bring me down.

Thanks again for all the support!

Nic
 
Sounds like what my ex did. Took me two years to recover, but I had a real hard time letting go, and we had kids.

Now I'm in an eight year relationship with a great woman, that's had it's ups and downs. We've separated, and then got back together. Now things are still tough, but we accept each others faults and it's working out just fine!

So there's hope for either option, but if I was still married to my ex, I never would have met SWMBO, and she's a helluva better woman than my ex could ever dream of being!
 
< snip >
What concerns me is that she doesn't know why she is unhappy with your marriage but she knows she wants to move out and she's going out a lot.

< snip >


I'm also concerned that you got married and you knew it was going to be difficult. That doesn't really make sense. I mean, look, we all argue and fight with our family, friends, coworkers, etc. but I doubt you speak about your friendships as something you "never expected to be easy".


#1 oh she knows why but isn't playing nice
#2 No it sounds like he went in knowing that any marriage is a longterm struggle which is the best way to plan- its never all nice -n- dandy.
I've been with the same girl for 26yrs:p


-- get a lawyer.
-- Get control of the credit cards, checking and savings accounts.
-- "Get a Lawyer"!

Get a lawyer asap!

ANyway, I'll try not to get too detailed but we married in Nov 2009, so a little over a year. I never expected things to be easy and not require work. We had our tiffs and arguments, but rarely anything major.

**** happens and really its best to happen early.

Could have been like this >> guy comes homes and tells his wife of 35yrs he's leaving..... No warning just BAM.

So your still very young and maybe its best in the long run, sucks but **** happens.
 
Hey, sorry to hear it. I am glad to hear your wife is going to counseling with you; that gives reason for hope. But trust me, even if it comes to an end, it does get better. It took me two years to adjust, but I can honestly say that if my ex came to me tomorrow on her knees begging me to come back I would say forget it.
 
Hey, sorry to hear it. I am glad to hear your wife is going to counseling with you; that gives reason for hope. But trust me, even if it comes to an end, it does get better. It took me two years to adjust, but I can honestly say that if my ex came to me tomorrow on her knees begging me to come back I would say forget it.

Mine drunk dialed me and asked me if I was over her. Ten years after...uhhh, pretty much.
That was one of the best days of my life. And to prove how badass my real wife is, she and I both had a good laugh over it.
It does get better. A lot better. Just make sure to learn what lessons are yours.
 
Mine drunk dialed me and asked me if I was over her. Ten years after...uhhh, pretty much.
That was one of the best days of my life. And to prove how badass my real wife is, she and I both had a good laugh over it.
It does get better. A lot better. Just make sure to learn what lessons are yours.

It doesn't help right now, but several of us have mentioned being divorced for a while and being happier than ever. It's hard to believe when you are starting the process of separation, but you will be ok. You'll be better than ok eventually, but even now you'll be ok.

I was married for 16 years the first time. I had two small kids, and was sure I would be single forever. I've been remarried for almost 10 years (but we've been together longer) and happier than ever before.

I'd rather be alone than with someone who's "not happy". Because none of us can ever make another person happy. They are looking for something that no human can provide, and even though we joked about "it's not you, it's me"- that's true. It's NOT you. It's 100% her. She's not happy. It really has nothing to do with you.
 
It doesn't help right now, but several of us have mentioned being divorced for a while and being happier than ever. It's hard to believe when you are starting the process of separation, but you will be ok. You'll be better than ok eventually, but even now you'll be ok.

I was married for 16 years the first time. I had two small kids, and was sure I would be single forever. I've been remarried for almost 10 years (but we've been together longer) and happier than ever before.

I'd rather be alone than with someone who's "not happy". Because none of us can ever make another person happy. They are looking for something that no human can provide, and even though we joked about "it's not you, it's me"- that's true. It's NOT you. It's 100% her. She's not happy. It really has nothing to do with you.

Another good point that has gone through my mind. With the obvious exception of an unstable marriage, I'm honestly pretty happy with myself as a person. She on the other hand is not, and as you've stated, I can't make her or anyone else happy.
 
Another good point that has gone through my mind. With the obvious exception of an unstable marriage, I'm honestly pretty happy with myself as a person. She on the other hand is not, and as you've stated, I can't make her or anyone else happy.

I guess that's what it boils down to. If she's not happy with herself, even Brad Pitt can't make her happy. Because being in a relationship doesn't make you happy, no matter what.

I sound like I've been reading Deepak Chopra! But, recognizing that simple fact- that only YOU can make yourself happy- is huge. She's not at that point, and is probably chasing happiness by trying to change her situation without changing herself.

I have a relative that suffers from depression. She's tried several things, but decided that moving across the country to a warmer climate would be the right thing. She did better for a while, but is back to being depressed again. She thought just moving would fix her. She doesn't realize that when you change your circumstances, you still drag all the old stuff with you if you don't fix the problem.

Unfortunately for your wife, she may find this out too late. I'd recommend counseling for the both of you, either marriage counseling or separation counseling, just in case there is a chance that you can work it out.
 
In the end, we could collectively speculate on a thousand reasons why she might feel the way she does, and still probably be wrong on all of them. Having seen a LOT of my friends go through similar situations, myself included, I would still highly recommend getting a lawyer. Even if you don't want to, at least go talk to one. I'm sure a reputable lawyer could still give you a lot of good reasons to hire one without making you feel guilty or paranoid over the situation.

And in the meantime, if she really does indicate that she wants to work things out, by all means get some counseling. It may be personal reasons that she isn't happy, or it may be delusions that she didn't get the "happily ever after". As has been said by the great brewprophet Yooper, we are each individually responsible for our own happiness. It can't be given to or taken from anyone, we have to find it from within ourselves.
 
The most successful marriages I have ever seen, are where they continue to 'date' after marriage.. IOW, they continue to do the things they did before they were married... They continue to 'chase' each other..

Everyone I know that has gone through divorce, without exception (although I'm sure there are some), testifies in hindsight that the divorce was 'far' worse than the marriage... So do everything you can to avoid that...

If you can.. 'date' her... just like you did when it was new and exciting.. Try and return your relationship to the 'first love' stage... and then keep that in your relationship from here forward...

Do everything you can to save it... at least then, you won't have to wonder 'what if'...

Oh, and rent the movie 'fireproof' and then sit down and watch it by yourself... believe it or not, that movie has 'thousands' of testimonials behind it of changed lives and saved marriages...
:mug:
 
Don't look for advice on how to fix your marriage from a bunch of imperfect people with a divorce rate of well over 60%. If you want to save your marriage start by studying the bible. After all God did create the marriage, who else could give you better advice?start here.http://watchtower.org
 
I'd rather be alone than with someone who's "not happy". Because none of us can ever make another person happy. They are looking for something that no human can provide, and even though we joked about "it's not you, it's me"- that's true. It's NOT you. It's 100% her. She's not happy. It really has nothing to do with you.

Hit the nail on the head right there Yooper. I'm sure it will be difficult for you at first but think of it this way. You're young, you brew your own beer, and now you've learned what kind of woman to stay away from. Maybe you need to find a woman who's experienced a lot in life and is ready to settle down. I went through a ton of terrible relationships to learn what I wanted in a spouse. When I found her, I snatched her up and the two of us are very happy with our marriage, three years and going strong. Good things take time, heck I waited until I was 29 to get married, granted she was 19 :)
 
Don't look for advice on how to fix your marriage from a bunch of imperfect people with a divorce rate of well over 60%. If you want to save your marriage start by studying the bible. After all God did create the marriage, who else could give you better advice?start here.http://watchtower.org

I'm sorry, not interested, have a nice day.
 
Don't look for advice on how to fix your marriage from a bunch of imperfect people with a divorce rate of well over 60%. If you want to save your marriage start by studying the bible. After all God did create the marriage, who else could give you better advice?start here.http://watchtower.org

God is bezig kan IK helpen?

Dude I hope your trolling cause I could rip the bible apart re: marriage

How long have you been married? I over 26yrs now without some book telling us how we should live our life:mad:

There aint no god and I bet you still believe in the santa too.
 
God is bezig kan IK helpen?

Dude I hope your trolling cause I could rip the bible apart re: marriage

How long have you been married? I over 26yrs now without some book telling us how we should live our life:mad:

There aint no god and I bet you still believe in the santa too.

Instead of looking for validation of your beliefs on this here thread where the lad is looking for some help, and instead turning it into your personal venue for a hatred rant of all things Christian, why don't you just offer the kid 'your' advice (if you have any that's worth a damn), and have the common courtesy and decency to let others do the same....

He asked for some marriage advice, not for some self appointed religion cop to came in and use the thread to stamp out Christianity wherever you find it...

There's a proper time and place for everything, and this is neither the time nor place for what you're evangelizing... It's a big internet.. I'm sure you can find a better place to spew the venom... In fact, I believe there's a premium forum right here on this site, that's set aside just for evangelists of all things anti-religion like you.....
 
Hit the nail on the head right there Yooper. I'm sure it will be difficult for you at first but think of it this way. You're young, you brew your own beer, and now you've learned what kind of woman to stay away from. Maybe you need to find a woman who's experienced a lot in life and is ready to settle down. I went through a ton of terrible relationships to learn what I wanted in a spouse. When I found her, I snatched her up and the two of us are very happy with our marriage, three years and going strong. Good things take time, heck I waited until I was 29 to get married, granted she was 19 :)

I understand what you're saying, and yoops replies were excellent.. but 'still'.. Both of them stood before the alter and made a vow before God to stick it out, till death separates them, for better or for worse... (assuming a traditional wedding)

This is the 'worse'... My advice is for the both of them to do 'everything' in their power to try and survive this and believe that there is a 'better' in the future if they work for it, and are committed to it...

If they find it, it will be worth it.. And yeah, get counseling ASAP...
 
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