I'm this close to giving up. Seriously.

DeathBrewer said:

If you can't trust each other, you can't have a relationship.

I don't do relationships. I can't handle crazy and I don't play games...not many women out there for me.

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my boat exactly. I am willing for one to prove me wrong though.

Too bad he left before answering my questions. If this chicks anything like what I got out of, he's in for a world of hurt. She'll be totally "I hate you, don't leave me!"

there are good women out there, unfortunately they make way better friends the significant others. I have a few close friends that I would never date even though they are gorgeous because I value the relationship we have rather than inevitably runing any form of relationship.

All i can say is play the field and eventually you may find something better than a girlfriend you may find a true FRIEND.

yeah, i've screwed up a few good friendships by trying to make a girlfriend.

I've been married over 25 years to a good but emotional woman with a kind of hair trigger temper. The temper shows up out of the blue. which makes dealing with it harder. We both have our own set of skeletons and we seem to have come to an unwritten agreement about them. She is aware of her temper because she suffered the same from her mother growing up.


In your case, sounds like maybe your wife is keeping an old mistake holstered and ready to use on you when it suits her. Maybe she's pissed about some other issue entirely. Or she could be clinically Bipolar. That's a medical issue.

Advice is cheap. But you can't go through life in a constant state of blackmail. Sooner or later the air will have to be cleared. No mutual respect=no relationship.

Good luck and hope it works out.

I know that I'm biased but I'm getting all KINDS of spidey sense tingling from your story. It sounds just like dear old Plumpy McPsycho, my ex. She would never ever ever EVER let anything go that happened in the past. I mean sheeeit, she would bring up things me talking to an old ex-girlfriend TEN YEARS after the fact that still bothered her. Ten years. You need to get your woman into therapy and/or drug treatment because if you don't, this is going to always come up. She may have some sort of Borderline Personality Disorder or manic depression.

Some other things you mentioned sounded awfully familiar. Try this on for size, see if it sounds plausible.

So I tell her I'm going to go play pool with some people after work for an hour before the kids get home. This was at 1 PM on a weekday. She called me FOUR TIMES in that hour, convinced I was at some cheap motel banging one of my coworkers. This happened three times until I just gave up because I was so embarrassed about her constant calls. She would also call me at work at random for no reason just to see what I was doing. Let's see, another time where we ALL went to a tealight party, kids in tow. A majority of my coworkers were there. All of a sudden she wants to leave. Later I found out she convinced herself that I was there to bang one of my coworkers that had come up to me and talk about innocent stuff. Right, because I bring my wife and kids to go F some broad :rolleye: I would frequently have to check in after 30 minutes of going to the store or Home Depot to tell her where I was. And GOD FORBID if I didn't answer my phone IMMEDIATELY when she called. She would call and call and call and call until I answered to hear her screeching WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?????? Yea, that's a person with a healthy mind.


Do you want that to be your life? Do you? Do you? No you don't! Now I'm all F'ing pissed off because I can't believe I wasted 11 years on that *****, kids or no kids.

(Channelling Dear Abbey) Get couseling honey. If that don't work, get a lawyer.(End channelling)

Gee, I feel all left out. My wife has never even asked me what time I would be home. I just tell her, "You keep yer damn boy friend out of my beer"

DB's pickup line. "Hey babe, wanna breed?"

As much as I hate to say it, you might be best served by either getting out now or getting into counseling. I saw these exact same signs very early on in my marriage and *almost* wish I would have bailed when I had the chance. Now I have an 8 year old daughter who (I feel) needs me to stick around. Not to mention, quite the cozy 'material' life that will be difficult to leave in another 10 years.

But hey, I now have to lie in the bed that I have made.
Point being - dont 'wait' for it to get better because chances are it wont. If you want it to get better, either get into some counseling and MAKE it better, or GTFO while you still can.
-Me

Well IMHO, she's nuts. You can say it's anything you want, hormones (regular monthly semi-temporary insanity) or insecurity, (self image issues) or just out & out insanity. Rational people don't act that way. I'd say to be on the safe side, ask her why she's hung up on this body shot thing & falsely accuses you. Maybe get some counseling. Personally, I'd get all the divorce papers drawn up & carry them around with me so that 1: she won't find them, and 2: next time she pulls this crap you can whip them out say "sign here." Better to cut your losses at 6 months rather than 6 years.

And what's the deal with your family basically disowning you if you get a divorce? Damned near everyone I know has been divorced at least once, some a few times. My sister got divorced, but she's still my sister. I'd think the least they could do would be to respect your decision whether they agree with it or not. That's my 2 cents worth. Good luck to you, you're going to need it no matter how this turns out. Regards, GF.

Brownie, this sounds awfully familiar. My first wife and your wife sound like they may be related.

I would often be working until 1 am when we were together. After that, some of my co-workers (all male) would head to one of their apartments to have a beer and play poker. You'd think sometimes I was out banging every chick in sight and snorting lines until 5 am. It was ridiculous. One time, we parked out of sight because we didn't want to see another co-worker we couldn't stand show up. My ex drives by, doesn't see my car (it's across the street in a dark parking lot) and all hell breaks loose. I get home and things are thrown at me and I'm accused of cheating. This kind of stupid crap happened time and again.

Never cheated. Lo and behold, she did a few weeks later when I was away. She never trusted me and I thought I could fix her. Didn't happen. Was way too much work, counseling didn't help, etc., etc.

OK, that's long winded. I guess I'm saying if you don't have trust you don't have anything. And trust is the hardest thing to develop. If it hasn't happened yet, well .....

Whatever happens, good luck.

I've been married to the same woman for over 20 years, kind of rare these days.
The old saying goes " your not afraid of who's under the bed unless you've been under there yourself" if my wife rolled in drunk at 4 am. my eyes would open.

Sounds to me like theres a couple of things goin on here. She may use this incident as power control manuver over you so you'll always have to kiss her a**. After all how many times can you say your sorry for the same thing? This reaction could also be just projected anger towards her Dad? Was he unfaithful to her mother and if so was she old enough to hear all the pain and trouble that caused? I'd tell her that this is really hurting your relationship and that this the last time you are going to appologize for it. I'd recommend reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle; You will be blown away by the truths packed in this book. Yeah the authors a little weird and has some crazy beliefs I dont personally agree with, but if the basics taught in this book were taught to our children a young age our world would definately have less conflict. Here's a qoute to tempt you; "It is possible to live free of suffering, free of anxiety and neurosis. To do this, we have to come to understand our role as the creator of our pain; Our own mind causes our problems, not other people, not "The world out there." It is our own mind with its nearly constant stream of thoughts, thinking about the past, worring about the future. We make the great mistake of identifying with our mind,thinking thats who we are".....

Okay, I'm going to pop in here with some female input:

1) You should NOT have to text her continuously while you are out with friends. That speaks to her being very needy and insecure. She should be using that time for herself - reading, bubble bath, long phone call to an old friend, whatever. Constant contact = not good.

2) I can understand the body-shot thing upsetting her - when it happened. Three years later, not so much. I admit that I have had a small crazy, jealous monster streak, and yes, gentlemen, that tends to coincide with our fabulous cycle. But get the **** over it. Weren't you WITH your Dad? Seriously, how sexual or whatever could it have gotten? I am sometimes insecure, but STILL being pissed about that and bringing it up years later is ridiculous.
--> On a side note (and this may be too personal), is she on the Pill or any other hormone birth control? Because that **** is what makes me crazy, and particularly nasty with HWMO.

3) I agree with what others have said - you need to sit down with her when she is in her penitent mood and be completely honest. Tell her that it upsets you to think that she doesn't trust you, that you love her and couldn't imagine anyone else in her place, and that you value your life too much to spend it in a way that doesn't make you happy (she can take that last one to mean either a) you wouldn't dick around on her because she means so much to you or b) you might leave if she keeps this psycho act going).

Good luck man. I hope you can figure out a way to keep her AND your sanity.

I didn't see it mentioned anywhere so, I have to ask.

From what part of the body did you take the shot? That could have some importance here.

I'm just saying.


Sounds like some serious jealousy issue here for something as insignifigant as a typical belly body shot.

+1 to jmulligans suggestions. Let her know the impact her actions are having on you, how bad it feels and ask for what you need to help make it work. Also, stay a way from telling her what to do, as in you should... whatever. Tell her what you need and ask what she needs to get past this.

Even if she apologizes, talk about what made her so upset. She may not be able to identify it right away. Counseling can definately help. But whatever nasty feelings/reactions are buried in there won't go away if they aren't brought into the light of some honest talk.

While you're doing all the honesty, remeber to be respectful and keep reminder her how much you love her and what she means to you.

Good luck.

Wow, man...either there's another side to this story, or she's crazy. Like, what others said, bi-polar, etc. Jesus. You do a drunken body shot off a stranger over 3 years ago, and to this day, you can't go out with friends without feeling her scathing wrath...yet she can go out getting blitzed until 4am? Eff that. This woman has some real issues, and it doesn't sound like something you can solve on your own. And while I hate all the feel-good bullsh*t psychology these days, this really does seem like something you need help with. Counseling, absolutely, without a doubt. If you care at all about her, about the marriage, then you owe to yourself and to her to not give up that easily. If she doesn't care enough about you, and about the marriage, to join you in trying to fix the marriage, then apparently this wasn't meant to be. One thing is for SURE: you should NOT continue in the current situation any longer. Life is WAAAAY to bloody short to spend another minute in this hell.

So, ok, looks like this thread has doubled in length since I left last night.

First of all, to answer some questions. The shot was out of a plastic shot glass positioned in the navel that I basically took with my mouth. No, she's been off the pill for about 2-3 months now so I think the hormones are out of her system. My family, at least my mom's side, is super-religious and for them divorce is just not an option. Seriously, people in that family have actually committed suicide to get out of bad marriages. I don't think my marriage is that bad but who the hell knows.

But OK, story so far.

I lay awake on the couch for about 90 minutes and got into bed with her around 1. She sees me and I guess the psycho trance has passed because she cuddles and says she's sorry. Maybe shoulda taken the opportunity for some making up -- emotions do crazy things to hormones -- but I digress. I didn't say "that's OK" or "don't worry about it", I just said "I know." 'cause I know she's sorry but that doesn't actually fix the problem; hoping she'd understand that I wasn't necessarily accepting the apology but that I understood she felt bad. We then basically fell asleep from exhaustion.

We wake up around 8, she's trying to put some moves on, and I'm basically shutting her out. So finally it gets down to the, "what, aren't you going to say something?"

So I basically go with the, there's nothing to say... you don't trust me when I go out with friends, you still aren't over something that happened 3 years ago, what the hell else is there to say?

So then she goes into defense mode. She was drunk and aunt flo is in town. She doesn't know these people so she can't be sure they're not going to pressure me into going to get another body shot.

I point out the times she's stayed out until early early early in the morning, with people I don't know, guys hanging around and trying to pick her up, hell she even got roofied once! How do I know she didn't just sleep with some guy and doesn't remember?

So then it's like, oh so what, are you going to leave me now? And I don't want to say yes OR no here, but I'm like well I don't want that to happen ever again. And she says well she feels bad about what happened too and doesn't want it to happen either. I say well she has one hell of a temper on her, and she gets a little miffed and says well you shouldn't have said you were going to go have sex with a hooker. I say well I'm sorry but when you accuse me of screwing around all the time it makes me mad.

Again it comes back to the whole "if you want, bring me the papers and I'll sign 'em, have my stuff out of here when you get back". So I suggest marriage counseling and suggest maybe she's bipolar and she needs medication. And she's a little hurt by that and she says by saying that I'm calling her insane. And I say well you didn't act sane last night.

I leave for work with a hug and a kiss and an exchanged "I love you". Get to work and she's emailed me that she's read up on bipolar symptoms and she thinks I might be right. I then come on here to tell the story.

Oh and BTW -- she does work, she just doesn't work Fridays.

Also, it's bad form to call a man going through this **** a pus5y, whoever that was.

either there's another side to this story, or she's crazy.

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If there's another side to this story, then I must be one hell of an arsehole. They say you're your own worst critic, but then they say you're the most likely to overlook your own flaws. I like to believe I'm honest with myself but who the fsck knows. And if I am a serious dickwad maybe she needs to get out.

On the other hand, if she's crazy, she's crazy. But at the very least we can try counseling and medication to try and fix things.

Good Luck. Work with eachother to get the help/counseling that you need and do your best to get through this. Too many people give up way too quickly when there are almost always deeper issues that need to be addressed.

Again, best of luck to you and your wife.

In all seriousness, the two of you have a lot of work to do one way or another. As for you, I recommend you take this quiet time and assess your situation. You should really think about why you love your wife and what it will take for you to walk away. I have been in a similar relationship, not nearly as bad in the beginning, but in retrospect, I wish I had drawn a line for myself so I knew when it got too bad. As for her outbursts, I suggest you stay calm. If you can't, then stay quiet. Just don't say a word and don't show that she's making you upset. Part of her tantrum is the satisfaction of knowing that you are now as upset as she is.

Bipolar? Bring her to a doctor now while she is still compliant about it. If she gets in another "mood" she may get offended by you suggesting it. And I really hate saying this, but maybe a counselor would be beneficial. If you go to church, then start there. Or start asking for recommendations from someone local.

Now for your family. I'm probably not as close to my family as you are to yours, so its easy for me to say this. But if your family will make you choose between them and your own happiness, then f*** em. You are the ONLY person responsible for your well being. If they can't handle that then they are all selfish. And whoever said it is right. They will eventually come around and accept you.

That's all I got for ya, man. Best of luck to you and I hope you find the happiness you want, either way. And you're right, whoever called you a p*ssy is a little b*tch. This crap sucks and I would NEVER wish it on anyone.

The other half it's like I've married a serial killer.

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Trust your instincts and RUN!

Seriously, go look into the bi-polar thing. If it's real, it can be very bad for the person and those around them. Med can help!

I feel for you man. But who the hell goes keeps pics of his son doing body shots on a girl from the bar? I think I know who is the weirdo here... This guy is living variously through a younger person.

Also, that description of a body shot sounds pretty lame. I had always imagined there being much more body contact. But then I have a dirty little mind.

bernerbits said:

No, she's been off the pill for about 2-3 months now so I think the hormones are out of her system.

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wait, maybe I missed it...why is she off of her birth control pills? I hope its not for having a child....that is the last thing you guys need at this point, especially if you are having thoughts out how much more you can take, and your options.

jmendez29 said:

Bipolar? Bring her to a doctor now while she is still compliant about it. If she gets in another "mood" she may get offended by you suggesting it.

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This.

You have a window open right now. Get on the phone and set up an appointment, better yet sit down with her and help her make an appointment. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Go home and do so now.

madcapstudios said:

You have a window open right now. Get on the phone and set up an appointment, better yet sit down with her and help her make an appointment. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Go home and do so now.

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Seriously. Do it now, or forever wish that you had.

Do it now, and good luck to you both.

There are a few web sites that have self tests and DSM IV criteria for different disorders. Check them out and see if she fits any of them. DO NOT have a child right now. Gets this figured out first and resolve it to your satisfaction. Then consider children. You are fortunate she at least accepts that she could have a problem. Run with that and get it checked out NOW!

Also, if she's off the pill right now, you need to be extra careful. Don't be a fool, wrap your tool!

bernerbits said:

So I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, and probably not allowed to go out with "the guys" ever again.

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Your wife should learn that if she keeps this stance, neither of you will ever be happy. A very important part of marriage is time apart.

bernerbits said:

Yes, it was a stranger, a bar employee in fact, and no we have no kids together.

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No offense, but if you worst infidelity is taking a body shot of a bar tender in a bar for fun with your dad........ your wife is crazy not to trust you. If she can't get over that... wow. The next lifetime is going to be tough for you two. Perfection is tough to keep for life

You need to have a serious talk. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes in marriage you need to grow a pair and say what you feel. Even if it hurts.

If you're not being honest with each other about your feelings, it is unhealthy.

I have waited to see more of the story before I made a post.

She IS bi-polar. Yeah, they all are a little, but some, many, are bi-polar and everything that happens is all your fault. There is a lot more of this than most people give it credit. Even if she agrees to actually getting therapy, which is rare because they tend to know they have a problem, but they won't do anything to make it better, she still has to go thru a lot of therapy, take medication, etc, and they usually don't stay with it. It will still always be there, although she may be some better things will never be right with someone who is not on a high functioning level. Self medication; drinking, drugging, will make any discussion even more difficult.

She has many psych issues, and the more of them she has the lesser of a chance that she will get past all of them. Paranoia, delusions, Obsessive/compulsive, schizophrenia; all these things will come out more and more, especially after childbirth. You will always have this between you, and it will take a tremendous toll on you. This assumes that they aren't also abuse issues buried deep down; because that is even more crap to try and contend with.

I've been thru this with someone I spent half my life with. I was helpless to watch her go absolutely crazy. My ex jumped out of the moving Tahoe 1 mile from home, heading up to the lake for the weekend with the boat, after staying home from work, washing both the Tahoe and boat, and loading them up for weekend (manic), because I wouldn't pass a corn harvester that would only be on the road in front of us for less than a mile, because dust was getting on the truck. With my 8 year old watching her from the back seat, she leaped from the moving truck in shorts and a tank top onto severely eroded asphalt. They don't know what they are doing ten minutes from now and they don't know what they did ten minutes ago, in this state. My son and I went up north anyway, and she showed up the next day like nothing ever happened. totally oblivious to the bandages and bruises, then later that night she went back into wack mode.

There are scores of similar stories. I stayed because I had been with her half my life, and had a child with her, so I tried everything to make it work. Once when she got violent with me, I pushed her away several times. She called a friend and said I was beating her like a thug, and the cops come and take ME to jail. For absolutely nothing, but that's how it works. Charges were dropped but the stigma remained to come back at me during divorce. This put me out of the house, without recourse, as soon as she filed. So YOU FILE FIRST.

Counseling was a disaster. She claimed it was all me, so they got her to the point that she would file. I STRONGLY voiced my belief of a physiological problem but they never gave it any credence. It destroyed my life, really hurt my son's life, and she has yet to get any type of help.

You cannot live your life for your family, friends or anybody but yourself. I tried intervention, family Dr., getting her to try Zoloft, everything I could think of, but nothing will get them to help themselves if they don't want it.

The bottom line is, cut your losses now, and GTFO. Protect your assets by moving them to family or good friends, because once they go into divorce mode, amicable goes out the window and her friends will have her try to take you for all you have. Get all titles into another name. Hide cash because you will need it to start over with utilities, rent, deposit, etc, etc, etc. Any soft heartedness will be taken advantage of, so make careful plans and don't fall for 'meet me for lunch so we can talk'. It is a lawyer's ploy to get your stuff.

Been there, so listen. Good luck, it will test you like nothing else ever will.

Good luck man. At least she was somewhat receptive when you talked to her.

I don't think anyone was trying to be mean calling you a pus5y. Sometimes a guy needs to hear that.

Again, good luck and I hope it works out.

Boerderij_Kabouter said:

You need to have a serious talk. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes in marriage you need to grow a pair and say what you feel. Even if it hurts.

If you're not being honest with each other about your feelings, it is unhealthy.

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100% true. A marriage can't survive without trust. God knows I'm not perfect. I can be downright grumpy and frustrated, but I credit my openness with my wife as the reason our boat is not sinking.

You can get through this, but I think you guys might need some help. There's nothing wrong with that. Good luck.

Ooh. Yeah no, she's not off the pill because we're trying to have kids. We just switched back to the glove after it became apparent it was playing havoc on her emotions. Nobody's trying to have kids here... sorry if I implied that.

call me stupid, but was she jealous you'd be doing shots off someone else, or that you weren't doing them off her? Was she feeling left out? Does she have friends she hangs out with?

And I agree with everyone. Get into therapy/treatments now. BOTH of you.

I date crazy women. If you both aren't working on it, it won't ever work.

Here's a line you can try next time she pulls the 'you did a shot' bull****.

"I married YOU"

B

Oh yeah, and Zoloft makes her go nuts too. I'm hoping some other medication can control this without turning her into a zombie vegetable...

Here's a line you can try next time she pulls the 'you did a shot' bull****.

"I married YOU"

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Oh believe me that was the first place I went. But she can't be reasoned with in that particular state. About the only thing I can do is get away from her until she calms down.

At least she doesn't try and deny that it happened. At least she wants to work on it.

Have you ever thought that maybe both of you are really stressed because of you being unemployed and such? I Know my wife and I are going through a transition with her getting ready to graduate from grad school and me hating my job, we have been at each other for no reason at times lately because of the stress. I was talking to my wife about your situation and she thought maybe some of that was going on. Also my wife says that even though she told you that it was OK to come home whenever most women don't mean a lot of what they say they want you to figure out for yourself, stupid I know but it seems to be the way things go.

My 2 cents on this.

The wife and I have been a similar situation a few years ago. She keep bringing up a similar "situation" we had had in the past. Finally I got tired of it and said that she needed to go to counseling to try to get over it because I couldn't handle it anymore. Told her I'd go with her if she wanted. We went, the councilor asked me a few question and then drilled her for an hour on why she wouldn't let it go. Nothing was said that I hadn't said before but coming from a neutral third party seemed make it less threatening. Doesn't get brought up anymore. Agreed, make an appointment today. Better yet have her choose so it's not YOUR councilor but hers.

I also think that you shouldn't give up your guys night. You did nothing wrong and if you give it up her bad behavior wins. Do you want to encourage that? Do you want to live the rest of your life without guy nights while she goes out with her friends?

I'm sorry I missed the first 8 pages of this and I admit I read page 1 and 8. But from the general vibe I've picked up from the Mother Barley Wine Thread and the 2 pages here, you are pushed around to much. I am the last to say "oh be a man, do what you want". I think that mindest is retarded. But it works both ways. If i am off about your relationship then forgive my comments, but the whole, She can stay out till 4 getting pissed drunk, you come home at 9:30 and are no longer "Allowed" to hang with the guys, just proves the serious problem in this relationship.
Part of me says Don't get a divorce because of an argument, marriage is about working through problems, but the other part of me says, if this is the kind of **** she expects to happen, just get out now while you're young enough to start fresh and have nothing (no family) to lose. If you family shuns you for wanting to be happy in life then you have problems with them that already need dealt with.
I rag on your Brownie, but it's all Fun & Games. We should have the chance to be happy in life at least with our partners. Don't settle cause she's hot, Hot don't mean crap when you're old and need someone to be there for you.

Let's look at what's been presented.
She uses something in the past against you today.
She can do things you can't.
She's extremely controlling. Constant communication.
She goes off on you over the slightest thing and then wants to woo you back.
I think we all agree there are issues here that need resolving.
What do your close friends say/think? If they give you negative feedback do you just nod your head in agreement then tell yourself they don't know her like you do?
Find a good couples counselor and make her go. If she doesn't make the effort then get out 'cause she's just doing it for show and has no intention on changing.
Listen to your friends and put aside the emotion, as hard as that will be.
Been there, done that!