Have a couple of 'em...

So what funny things do you like to say?

One thing I say, whenever someone is leaving is, "Well, you behave yourself, ya hear?" Of course, this is especially funny since I am only 30 years old. I picked it up from my now deceased grandfather.

The second things I say, when people tell me to drive carefully (or behave myself), I say, "Why start now?"

The third thing I say, whenever someone tells me to have a good day, I tell them "You too. Actually, (and then I pause, pensively, for added effect...) have a couple of 'em..."

Why limit yourself to just one good day, ya know? I can offer people more than one good day. Hey, why not? They're all free anyway. So anyway, those are my sayings. I think that third one could really catch on. It always seems to make people smile...

Me and an old friend from college always used to depart with the words, "Catch ya later, masturbator..." "After awhile, pedophile..."

So what do you say that's kinda funny? Another friend of mine likes to say, "I'll talk at you later..." but that's more of a southern thing. Still kind of funny. You know... we're not going to have an exchange... I'll just talk at you...

Being a salesman, often times I have to have conversations with people that I would never chose to speak with. Those can get interesting. I try not to have the same cliche hello and goodbye everytime. I told one of our police officer customers to "stay outta trouble" when he left today, he just glanced down at his gun and said he'd try.
I do use "holler at you later", but I'm sick of that one.

You gotta say this to your buddies or it might be taken the wrong way.

"Come back when you can't stay so long".

"Don't let your meat loaf" "OK, but don't let your Connie Chung". (Silly I know)

I haven't used this one in forever but...

When introducing myself. "Hello I am Harry Cunnilingus"

Whenever someone is worried about their life, I give them this gem...

Don't sweat the petty stuff....
(and don't pet the sweaty stuff)

If you can't be good, be good at it.

"I've got more time than money"
Cheers

Every now and again, I'll say, "I can run faster scared, than you can pissed!"

In regards to physically defending yourself, I say "It's better to be judged by twelve than carried by six".

Whenever my wife make's meatloaf for supper I say "you know whay I say, never let your meat loaf" Drives her crazy.

Jester369 said:

If you can't be good, be good at it.

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If you can't be good, be careful.

When someone asks me something like: What's that sign say?
I answer: "It doesn't say anything; you have to read it."


Forward, never straight.


The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.

I often greet kiddos in the office with "What's kickin', chicken?"

One I picked up when working in Appalachia was "Appreciate ya." I'd always said "I appreciate it" when someone does me a favor or wishes me a good day or whatever, but I picked up "Appreciate ya" because I liked the sentiment. It says, in a very efficient way, that while I also like what you do, I value you yourself as a person.

I like it.

My old boss used to say when I left, "drive fast and don’t were your set belt." I had no problem with the first part.

And its only illegal if you get caught.

I'm not as stupid as you think you are...

I always wait for the opportunity to throw this one out there:

Foreigner? I can barely fit two in her...

If your freinds jumped off a bridge would you do it to?
Responce. Not again!
Man did I get my butt beat that day!

Man I'd hit that........................................with a 2x4!!!!!!!!!

A drinking related favourite of mine:

"No wonder I feel sick when my stommache is full of puke!"

H

Great minds think alike.... and so do ours.

I also have used "rocket surgery" since the early nineties, although I just heard it recently in a TV show (can't recall which one).

I tell people....

That's very admirable.... Like the admirable of the Navy.

We do these alot..

Don't let your meat loaf...
Don't let your side walk...
Don't let your sizzle lean...

I tell SWMBO every once in a while....

Women!!!, can't live with 'em,
shoot 'em and you go to jail.

Of course she knows I'm only joking....I hope

One of my roommates in college would always say "don't get none on ya" when he would leave.

One of my staple quotes is "don't fall in". The intended context is when someone announces (unnecessarily) that they're going to the bathroom, particularly girls... But I often use it WAY out of context as well.

Not funny, just amusing: an old boss of mine, around quitting time:

'The time has come, the walrus said..."
... and he would pick up his jacket and leave!

It was a nice way to say, just go home, no point saying late at work...

If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger....
Or weak as a kitten cause it almost killed you!

I got a ton of them ... my father is collects sayings/phrases like they're precious coins. Most of them are tossed around at hunting camp. just a few of them ...

When someone announces they have to use the outhouse (literally):
"Why don't you just break off a finger and throw it out in the yard" - meaning they're full of crap already

"Shi!!in' in tall cotton" - meaning everying this going good.

"You know what Hugo (an old one-armed drunken indian my father was friends with) says ... if you don't use your head for thinkin' you might as well have two a$$holes" - when someone does something stupid

"crazier than a $hithouse rat" - usually used in reference to women.

One of these days I'm going to publish a book of these.

Sir Humpsalot said:

One thing I say, whenever someone is leaving is, "Well, you behave yourself, ya hear?" Of course, this is especially funny since I am only 30 years old. I picked it up from my now deceased grandfather.

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My late grandfather's farewell always was "Don't get get into trouble, unless you get a chance!" I adopted that one early on, myself.

Whenever someone was in his way and he thought they should get out (usually on the road), he would say "What's he waiting on? Courage?" I like that one, too.

Just about my favorite, though, is how my late Aunt Jewel would handle taking photos. Most folks, when they are about to take a posed photograph, just say "smile" to signal that the shutter is about to click. Aunt Jewel would shout out, "Everybody say 'sex!'" That would get some real smiles, and it still does whenever I use it.


TL

I tend to do stupid things sometimes. When someone makes a joke about it, I'll say "But I'm feeling much better now". - one of those strange things I picked up off the old sitcom Night Court.

I'm sure there's a lot of those goofy, where'd he get that, kind of things I say often.

A couple weeks ago I was driving back after a weekend in the mountains and I felt pretty tierd a couple hours into the drive so I asked if anyone else could drive but noone semed to bother switching until I said (as drowsy as I could sound):

"I want to die a calm death... In my sleep... Like my grandfather... Not screaming in panic like the passengers in his car..."

H

My father-in-law has a new one every time i see him. My favorite is when he threw this one out there: "And when that happened, I about **** a meat-axe." Instead of the proverbial brick. Also, good mental picture.

Another one: since I'm in the medical field, i encounter this word far more often than most people, and I never miss the opportunity to use it. "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

One of my favs is when someone asks "have you seen...." my responce is always "That blue stuff you put your comb in?" (from Caddyshack one of the greatest movies ever)


SD

Oh, you guys made me think of a couple more:

"Well, **** fire and save matches!" --an exclamation of surprise, along the lines of "Well, I'll be!"

"Even a red dog gets fleas." --meaning even high-falutin' people have the same problems as us commoners.

A good friend of mine, when we worked at a summer camp with frequent 8-legged visitors, was fond of saying, "Oooh! Didja see that one? It was so huge, it was wearing sneakers and carryin' a suitcase! That sucker was on the move!"

Self depricating:
'I'm not a complete idiot, there's a few parts missing'

Reserved for other idiots:
'You're living proof your mother and father were brother and sister.'

Haha, I have always loved the rocket surgery one. I use it to this day even though it is not quite as funny to those around me.

One of my favorites is "s\he is not the sharpest drawer in the knife". Not sure where I picked it up, put it will always get you a crooked eyebrow or two.

We have a few, constantly running, bad jokes in my homebrew club. One is to catch just about anyone saying just about any word ending with "-er" and replying with "***-er?! Hardly know 'er?" Yeah, it gets funnier every time. However, sometimes, it gets quite funny, like the time the waiter (waiter?! hardly know 'er!) accidentally brought an extra beer to the table and asked "Anybody wanna porter?"

"Bend over and I'll show ya" is a nearly perfect answer to any question beginning with "how do you/I . . . ?" or "how are you/we gonna . . . ?"


TL

When SWMBO returns from the bathroom I'll ask "everything come out okay?"

I've got more, just can't think of any at the moment.

Going into the bathroom:
Me: "10 minutes, 175lbs"
Other:"what?"
Me:"If I'm not back in 10 minutes, thats how much **** you should shovel out"

Whenever I say something intellectual, of figure something out for someone, I point at my head and say "Kidneys!" (from Red Skelton)
-or-
If its something clever, "Well I am a cunning linguist.."

I hurt myself: "Ow my ovaries!" (from Simpson's)

Proud of something, "Who's got two thumbs and (insert accomplishment)... This guy! (point at myself with thumbs)"

Whenever the wife leaves for work: "Have good Mosh Pitting!" (the goat, Adam Sandler)

If someone asks me how much drug to give, "RFL" (read the f'ing label)

"Don't discount luck, depend on it"

"If you can only spell something one way, it shows a lack of imagination"

If its a story and the other person is obviously not listening/uninterested or the story is going nowhere, I will wrap it up with, "And then I found five dollars! Yay!"

If someone spills their beer, "You know, every time you spill a beer, an angel burns in hell..."

I pull out alot of old movie quotes and song lyrics at times, but these are the things I do habitually that I can think of off the top of my head.

Bedlam said:

"Well, **** fire and save matches!" --an exclamation of surprise, along the lines of "Well, I'll be!"

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Reminded me of another one.

When someone points out something, occassionally I'll respond with "L I B, M R Ducks!"

Comes from some childhood game where we would write this on a piece of paper and tell someone else to tell you what it said.

MR DUCKS
MR NOT
OSAR CM WINGS
LIB MR DUCKS

Of course, the meaning is in your best bubba dialect "Them are ducks. Them are not. Oh yes they are. See them wings. Well I'll be. Them are ducks."

Just thought of one my friend uses all the time "f@#$ed up like a football bat" I always thought that was a good one.


SD