Girlfriend hides everything (need advice)

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mcarb

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So I am about to lose it here and really don't know what to do. I need advice.

About a year and a half ago, I moved in with my girlfriend. WTF was I thinking? Anyways, she owns her house and has lived here for a long time. Along I come thinking I can actually merge my life with hers.

She has this habit of just randomly deciding to put things in new places and not bother to tell me. So I am constantly searching for something and completely baffled as to where the hell I could have left it. usually after about day four of searching, I announce I have given up and whatever item I was searching for is gone forever (it's almost always something new and expensive). That's just about the time she will casually tell me she has decided it would be better in the back of some drawer wrapped in some obscure cloth and buried behind a bunch of old things.

Two days ago, I discovered the saran wrap, aluminum foil and ziplocks that went missing two weeks ago. I kept meaning to buy new bags but that would have proved pointless as we had them, she just decided to move their location.

Yesterday, i finally found my 400 dollar GPS unit that has been used twice. Buried in her desk.

Today, I was searching for my brand new bag of razors so I could shave. She found it under the sink, in a box of random ****.

Needless to say, this is never her fault. I should know where these things are because I am psychic (I AM NOT REALLY).

So now I have gotten to a point where I am playing here game (which unfortunately not a game). I have hidden her stuff in random places. However, I know this will backfire.

Short of moving out, what can I do? I am about to lose it.
 
Communicate. If you don't find something in it's normal spot, ask her.

"Hey honey, have you seen the Saran wrap?" That usually works.

For those of us that can't read minds, communication is necessary.
 
This reminds me of when I moved in.. It lasted until we moved and it became our house and now I could not be happier...
 
Wow, a question on HBT that I think I am 100% qualified to answer! ;)

My first suggestion is you take a walk around the block, get some air and NOT do anything at all until you are totally calm and collected. If you confront her while you are still heated I guarentee you it will turn out poorly.

It sounds to me like your lady, who apparently has been living alone for some time, came down with a bad case of bachelor(ette) syndrome. You get caught up in your own ways of doing things, and life feels like a huge adjustment when another person gets thrown into the mix. Some small, subconscience part of her mind might even resent you a little for being there and messing with the routine she spent so much time developing.

My point is, not knowing your girlfriend, I would say it is one of three things.

1) You are still learning how to live with each other. After a while, if approached calmly, the arguments of the moved items will reduce, and she will randomly move things less. You are still getting used to each other, and its a continuous process.

2) She really does resent you. You'll need to ask her if this is the case CALMLY when you are less angry.

3) She has a mental disorder akin to cleptomania. I suppose its possible that she pathologically hides things. Is this the only thing she does that is... weird? I'm not talking hates the smell of lemons weird, I'm talking turns the water on and off 3 times when she is done with it weird...

Oh, and FYI, "unhide" her stuff ASAP. Thats gonna end badly if you dont.
 
Oh, and FYI, "unhide" her stuff ASAP. Thats gonna end badly if you dont.

This. There is nothing worse than retaliation when trying to resolve a situation. As previously stated by someone else, TALK TO HER. It is amazing how far a little communication can go.

If there is an underlying issue that cannot be resolved, take the necessary steps sooner rather than later.
 
This is always going to be "her house" and all your crap is invading her space. Maybe you can have a few rubbermaid bins in the garage or basement for anything you want to keep in your own place.
 
Yikes, alarm bells are going off. She seems to be asserting her dominance over you and doesn't really want to merge her life with yours.

Either that or she has some sort of OCD. A good talk is in order.
 
So now I have gotten to a point where I am playing here game (which unfortunately not a game). I have hidden her stuff in random places. However, I know this will backfire.

Short of moving out, what can I do? I am about to lose it.

  • very carefully cut a hole in the sod out in the back yard
  • dig a hole
  • place her car keys in a jar and then in the hole
  • replace the dirt
  • cover with the cut out sod
  • water the yard

After a week or 3 when she's done looking for them tell her what ya did and let her know if she hides any more **** next time it wont be her keys
:drunk:
 
my wife does this sometimes with things I leave out. She hates clutter, so she will randomly place things in drawers sometimes. I have gotten to know where she likes to hide stuff, so that is where I look first hahaha. You should ask your GF is there are certain places that she likes to keep stuff. trust me, it's much easier adapting to her already established practices than trying to reinvent the wheel.

The only item I have told my wife to never touch is my gym shorts. for some reason she would put them in some odd place, I would get so frustrated and give up looking hahaha
 
Yikes, alarm bells are going off. She seems to be asserting her dominance over you and doesn't really want to merge her life with yours.

Either that or she has some sort of OCD. A good talk is in order.

I agree. I'm sort of OCD myself, and I always put things away. Always. Bob never puts anything away, and spends time looking for it.

But when people become couples, the adjustment is harder than most people think. I probably don't have great respect for Bob's junk, er, belongings like his 1973 Oakland A's hat he wore to one game. Or his GPS, since it's all the same to me.

But if he let me know that moving his stuff drove him crazy, then I'd do my best to restrain myself and not touch his stuff.

The thing is, if even ziploc bags and things are moved, either she's putting them where they go and you should take note- or she's nuts if she's changing the location all the time. There are people who move furniture and rearrange cabinets but Bob has let me know that he has trouble with the furniture rearranging, so I try not to do it.

He stays completely out of my brewery, and I stay out of his desk and his garage space.

We have a home office, with desks close to each other. My desk looks perfect at all times. His has piles of papers, batteries, notes, etc, and it looks a mess. I don't touch his, and he doesn't touch mine. Every person needs their own place to put their stuff, and if Bob leaves a screwdriver on the kitchen table (happens all the time), I put it away. It may not be in his desired location so if he actually wants to find it again, HE needs to put it away. It's not a game, though- I don't hide stuff. But as an organized neat freak, I simply can't abide stuff left all over.

Talk to her, and find out which it is. Maybe you're a slob and leave stuff all over, so she puts it "away". Or if you're not, and she's having trouble giving up her territory to you, then you can talk about it.
 
Ok, a couple of things: I am a slob. That doesn't help matters as I tend to leave stuff everywhere. But then she finds the most random place to put it, and she doesn't seem to be doing it out of spite.

I do communicate with her. I think the phrase uttered most often in our house is "Honey, have you seen my...?"

Regarding the saran wrap, etc. I don't get it. One day she will just randomly decide to move the location of the cereal/ saran wrap/ item that I need. The new place is not any better, nor simpler to find.

The house is small and I honestly feel that the best approach is what cyclogenesis mentions. It is her house, and I squeeze into the tiny space she allows for me. We need to find a common ground and that means moving to a neutral house.

After I posted this thread, I tried to find my $180 custom earplug kit that I ordered last week because I am a musician and my ears are getting screwed. It's been sitting in the same spot for three days. Now it's gone.

When I ask her where it is (this goes for anything), it becomes an instantly defensive position of "I haven't seen it. Why would I move it (other than it seems to be what I do)?"

So now I am out 180 bucks and I have made a vow that I will never buy anything of value and that everything I own is disposable.

Her stuff stays hidden. Sorry, but this has got to stop. And right now, this is the only thing I can think of that will make her realize how irritating it is to have someone move your stuff. Right now, her book is the refrigerator, her favorite drink mix in a random drawer, her secret candy stash in the bottom drawer of her dresser and her cell phone is on the top shelf, where the cereal used to be.

If she put things in the same place, great. But it's always some random drawer or shelf that she has never placed anything on before. And she never bothers to tell me. I told her this morning, if she is going to touch anything of mine, please throw it in a pile in the backyard.

Things seem to be going downhill.
 
You go from your space where all your stuff is and no one moves it to a place where two people have stuff. Things are gonna get misplaced. No way of avoiding it.

How about tell her "Honey, if you see something that you don't know what it is (I.e. mine) would you please ask me 'where would you like to store this?' before moving it? It's really frustrating to me when I can't find things."
 
Can I go out on a limb and assume this is either your first cohabitation experience or at least your first in many years?
 
Oh, and straighten yourselves out before she decides to store rusty garden tools in your bottling bucket or some crazy crap like that.
 
My wife does this. She moves stuff around sometimes to make space or clean up some clutter, and then I am left guessing where that stuff is. It's not that she's "asserting her dominance" or whatever. She does it to her own stuff, too, that she then has to dig around for days later. She's just trying to organize things in a way that doesn't really make any sense internally.
 
Hiding her **** isn't going to do anything but piss her off even more. It sure doesn't sound like she's unaware of what she's doing, it just sounds like she's doing it regardless.

Get as much good sex now as you can, because it sounds like this is going to end real badly in about two weeks.
 
My SWMBO does the same thing, and it's 'her' house too. But she remembers where everything is -- and when I ask, she retrieves. Should she get hit by a train, I'd be up **** creek :D
 
**** that. You're committed (and compatible) or you aren't, regardless of whether you're married.

Easy there, tiger. I know folks whose first ROOMMATE outside of their parents was their spouse, maybe this is the case with Ty, I dont know. Also, say what you will about marriage and whether or not it is worth it or if it is any different, the court system in the United States makes it a lot less unpleasant to step away from a live-in sig other than it does leaving a spouse.
 
I do communicate with her. I think the phrase uttered most often in our house is "Honey, have you seen my...?"

No offense intended, my friend, but that's not communication: that's just a question. I'm very frustrated when I have repeat situations where people don't learn when I expect them to, but that's life. Sometimes you just have to be pointed. Tell her that you don't care for it when she does these things and you would like her to stop moving your stuff. Communal things like saran wrap are going to be a bigger battle since that's clearly not just your stuff that she's moving.

Her stuff stays hidden. Sorry, but this has got to stop. And right now, this is the only thing I can think of that will make her realize how irritating it is to have someone move your stuff. Right now, her book is the refrigerator, her favorite drink mix in a random drawer, her secret candy stash in the bottom drawer of her dresser and her cell phone is on the top shelf, where the cereal used to be.

If she put things in the same place, great. But it's always some random drawer or shelf that she has never placed anything on before. And she never bothers to tell me. I told her this morning, if she is going to touch anything of mine, please throw it in a pile in the backyard.

Things seem to be going downhill.

Again, no offense intended, but that sort of behavior just makes the situation worse. You're being passive aggressive instead of just confronting the root problem. If you're smart, you'll unhide her stuff before she goes looking for it.
 
Also, say what you will about marriage and whether or not it is worth it or if it is any different, the court system in the United States makes it a lot less unpleasant to step away from a live-in sig other than it does leaving a spouse.

:off:

.... which is why it's so much smarter (IMO) to move in with your committed partner before getting married. Not speaking ill of marriage at all, but sure seems foolish to make a lifetime commitment to someone before you know if you really work together.
 
+1 to unhiding the stuff. She won't find her book in the fridge and then have a "Eureka!" moment where she realizes that she should stop misplacing your stuff. You're going to have to talk to her about this regardless of whether her stuff is hidden.

So you can have that talk with her pissed about you hiding her stuff, or not pissed. I'd unhide the stuff.
 
Not speaking ill of marriage at all, but sure seems foolish to make a lifetime commitment to someone before you know if you really work together.

Any time two humans live together, there will be periods of not working well together.

Scenario:
Live together before to find out if you work well together. We do. Great! Let's get married. Things get tough. Dang, guess we were wrong, we don't really work well together. What happens then?

Commitment is not contingent on compatibility, IMO.

Sorry for the OT.
 
:off:

.... which is why it's so much smarter (IMO) to move in with your committed partner before getting married. Not speaking ill of marriage at all, but sure seems foolish to make a lifetime commitment to someone before you know if you really work together.

Agreed completely. From the sounds of it, though, Ty's situation has worked out in a way he is happy about, so he was just sharing his experience. It sounded to me like you thought he was preaching, and knowing him a little from his posts, I wanted to point out that I didnt think he was. For the record, I personally have been living with SWMBO for 3+ years and I'm marrying her next week...

Now that I'm done breathing into a paper bag...

OP, you are in for a world of hurt if you hide her stuff in retribution. It doesnt sound to me like you have a very stable relationship foundation that would allow for things like this. She hears you when you say "I dont like that you do X with my things" and she gets instantly defensive and accusatory. Whats going to happen is she is going to see your little lesson as an attack on her personally, and you are going to wind up on a friend's couch. Trust me, I've screwed up enough relationships to feel as if I am an authority when I say this.
 
No offense intended, my friend, but that's not communication: that's just a question. I'm very frustrated when I have repeat situations where people don't learn when I expect them to, but that's life. Sometimes you just have to be pointed. Tell her that you don't care for it when she does these things and you would like her to stop moving your stuff. Communal things like saran wrap are going to be a bigger battle since that's clearly not just your stuff that she's moving.



Again, no offense intended, but that sort of behavior just makes the situation worse. You're being passive aggressive instead of just confronting the root problem. If you're smart, you'll unhide her stuff before she goes looking for it.

+1 to unhiding the stuff. She won't find her book in the fridge and then have a "Eureka!" moment where she realizes that she should stop misplacing your stuff. You're going to have to talk to her about this regardless of whether her stuff is hidden.

So you can have that talk with her pissed about you hiding her stuff, or not pissed. I'd unhide the stuff.


I disagree. Regarding communication , this is a daily event. I can't tell you how many times I have stated the fact that "I really wish you wouldn't just randomly assign new homes to things. Or if you do, please tell me."

I hid her dumbells in the freezer a couple of weeks ago. She knew exactly why and we discussed it. I stated that I felt she was hiding my **** for no reason and I was going to return the favor. If she is doing this to teach me a lesson about being a slob, then tell me. Otherwise, please think before you do this.

Now she can have a little reminder as to how irritating it is to search constantly for something you didn't lose. Like I said, this is a daily issue. One that she will never admit fault to even when it is pointed out that she moved something and didn't tell me (Saran wrap was my fault because I should have just known.)

Her stuff stays hidden until she acknowledges what she is doing is wrong or she stops doing it.
 
Thanks Creamy - not preaching, just sharing wisdom I've received from people who've had long, successful marriages. Not trying to start arguments, just trying to help think through implications.
 
and if it causes my relationship to suffer, so be it. I am at my wits end here.
 
You haven't told us where you're putting your stuff. If your expensive headphones were sitting on the coffee table for three days, YA! they're gonna get moved.

I hide **** from myself all the time. Special stuff that I don't want to lose. Then I forget where I put it. I have many spots, and sometimes need to check most of them before I find the item.

Clear out a drawer or negotiate a cabinet for your stuff. Always Put Your Stuff there, and ask the lady to (if she must pick up after you) put any of your stuff there while cleaning.
About Saran wrap, that's weird if she always moves things like that. Ask her if she's always done this, even before living with you. Either she's recently begun as a result of new things arriving, or it's a longstanding habit of which you were unaware.

DO NOT arbitrarily designate your own room and keep the door locked at all times. This will seriously pis her off. I know, cause HWMC did this. So where should I put his stuff while cleaning? Maybe on the front lawn, under the "Tag Sale" sign, I'm thinking.
 
Agreed completely. From the sounds of it, though, Ty's situation has worked out in a way he is happy about, so he was just sharing his experience. It sounded to me like you thought he was preaching, and knowing him a little from his posts, I wanted to point out that I didnt think he was. For the record, I personally have been living with SWMBO for 3+ years and I'm marrying her next week...

It sounded preachy, at least how I read it. Ty, I apologize if it wasn't meant that way.

"Passive-aggressive" - yeah, that's the perfect descriptor for hiding her stuff. Not going to end well.
 
and if it causes my relationship to suffer, so be it. I am at my wits end here.

If you are just venting, thats fine, vent away. But just know that every one of us who has lived with someone or is married is hearing your plan, and remembering today as the day your relationship was diagnosed with terminal cancer...

You are seriously better off getting out of this now than taking this course of action.
 
Eek! This all smells like a disaster waiting to happen. How about asking/discussing about making a certain area 'yours' and you can keep whatever you want there? And unhide the stuff, she's not going to go look for it, she's just going to go look for a new BF...
 
If you are just venting, thats fine, vent away. But just know that every one of us who has lived with someone or is married is hearing your plan, and remembering today as the day your relationship was diagnosed with terminal cancer...

You are seriously better off getting out of this now than taking this course of action.

You seem to think I am new to this.
 
You seem to think I am new to this.

Either new or too close to it to see it rationally, yeah. I have absolutely no wishes to be "right" on this. I dont ever give advice so I can say "told you so." If I'm dead wrong that would be awesome, actually... but I really dont think I am. I think most others here agree with me as well...

Plus, Brohim, I hate to say it, but my father used to use techniques like what you are proposing to get me to pick up my toys. Its something you do to a child, not the woman you have an implied committment to. Its just bad form.
 
Look into the work of Skinner and try some operant conditioning

You will need to get a bag of treats..I suggest low-cal ones

Oh and you may have to construct a box....
 
Either new or too close to it to see it rationally, yeah. I have absolutely no wishes to be "right" on this. I dont ever give advice so I can say "told you so." If I'm dead wrong that would be awesome, actually... but I really dont think I am. I think most others here agree with me as well...

Plus, Brohim, I hate to say it, but my father used to use techniques like what you are proposing to get me to pick up my toys. Its something you do to a child, not the woman you have an implied committment to. Its just bad form.

Bad form or no. I have tried to be reasonable. It doesn't work. Like I said, if this backfires, so be it. I have already come to the conclusion that my possessions mean nothing and are completely disposable. And quite frankly, this sucks.
 
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