One Liner Jokes

Heard this one on law & order last nite:

The doctor said I had to stop masturbating. I said Why, he said because I'm not finished with your exam yet.

I locked my keys in the car last nite, it took me an hour to get my family out.

Hey Doc, I have a bowel movement everyday at 8 AM. So that's not unusual. Yeah, but I don't get out of bed till 9.

He doc, I keep having these silent gas emmissions. He said first we have to check your hearing

Lots of great ones fellas. Keep em coming, I love them all so far!

fyi, "An Irish man leaves the bar" is not a joke .... but a warning, lol.

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

You know your getting old when your wife says let's go upstairs and make love and you answer I can't do both.

Old is when "getting lucky" means you can find your car in the parking lot.

Hey, next time you wave to me use all your fingers.

My first job was in an orange juice factory but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

Why is a man that invests all your money called a broker?

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon parted; a homebrewer and his money are soon partying!

Children in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause children.

Did you hear about the butcher that accidentally backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Why do they call them apartments, when they are all stuck together!

He's our next window neighbor, because neither of us has a door on that side of the house.

What do you call an Afghan virgin Never bin laid on

Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

The biggest oxymoron .....

Microsoft Works

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust".

Two potatoes in the refrigerator, which one is the prostitute? The one with the little label, " Idaho"

Anybody know what 80 year old ***** smells like?








Depends

How do you get an 80 year old women to say c##k sucker? Yell Bingo!

BrewinJay said:

You go to a restaurant and the waitress only has one leg, whats her name? Ilean

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At a Chinese restaurant, her name is Irene.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Paper routes: 350 houses or 2 dumpsters.
-Mitch Hedberg (Best one liner stand up comedian that ever walked the earth)

A Colonel without a Sergeant Major is like a dick with no balls.

more mitch hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Freezeblade said:

more mitch hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

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Those are all great

Freezeblade said:

more mitch hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

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Man, I wish that guy was still around.

jmendez29 said:

Man, I wish that guy was still around.

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He still is. You can go see him, but you need a shovel and a lookout.

more:

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow ****.

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "**** you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

ChshreCat said:

He still is. You can go see him, but you need a shovel and a lookout.

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You know, I would call that tacky but it's kinda funny and would probably be right up his alley. The man was way too funny... even better live (no pun intended.)


When I shave I like to assume someone else on the planet is also shaving. So when I go into the bathroom I say, "I'm gonna go shave... too"

Reno_eNVy_446 said:

You know, I would call that tacky but it's kinda funny and would probably be right up his alley. The man was way too funny... even better live (no pun intended.)

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Exactly why I said it. Plus, it's a good one-liner, I think.

Johnny was a chemist's son
But now he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4