One Liner Jokes

Even though this is not a one-liner, I did come up with the first post-modern/existential joke:

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

...

The horse says "Well, I just got laid off, I gambled away my savings at the track, my wife wants a divorce, and to top it all off I stubbed my hoof on the dresser this morning."

The bartender says "Yeah, things are tough all over. Here's a beer on the house."

If I marry two dwarfs is that bigamy?

Acording to Health Officials Sars can live on a toilet seat for 4 days ... beating out Elvis by 3.

RIP Mitch.

I didn't go to college. But if I did, I'd take all of my tests in a restaurant because the customer is always right.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Why is it that jimmy cracked corn, and no-one cared.. then why did they write a damn song about it?

The only thing better than a cold bud is a warm bush

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfreind??
A: wiped his ass

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

boss's are like dirty diapers-- they're always full of crap and they're always on your @$$. :rockin:

analogies from larry the cable guy:

-as frusturated as an amish electrician
-madder than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake
-as ridiculous as a one-legged brewer making hops
-more frusturated than christopher reeves doing the hoky-poky

A baby seal walks into a club.....

What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam

A grass hopper walks into a bar, bartender says "hey we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Leroy?!?"

The best way to get over a woman, is to get under a new one.

SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

bernerbrau said:

Johnny was a chemist's son
But now he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

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would that count as a Chemical burn?:rockin:

Three guys walk into a bar and the fourth one ducks.

The difference between a Sikh and a sycophant is that a sycophant curries favor.

Sometimes, I bake a potato in a conventional oven even when I'm not hungry. 'Cause by the time it's done, who knows?

tell it to the one-legged man, so he can bump it off down the street.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them

i haven't laughed this hard since my circumcision!

Killinger said:

The difference between a Sikh and a sycophant is that a sycophant curries favor.

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While the Sikh favors curries.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone....Red Fox

Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

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true that.



keep talking, it tickles.

Q: How do you know you're ugly?
A: Your dog closes his eyes when he humps your leg.

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger.

*That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks

did you hear tiger woods got cheating before he could fit in 18 holes? :rockin:

Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”

If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it’s time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer

I cry during sex.... ****ing Mace

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

Necrophilia - Putting the fun in funeral.

Sometimes necrophilia is the best way to relax, all you need to do to is lay back and open up a cold one.

I like my women like I like my meat, frozen and in a bag.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast one."

So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

FireNightFly said:

Necrophilia - Putting the fun in funeral.

Sometimes necrophilia is the best way to relax, all you need to do to is lay back and open up a cold one.

I like my women like I like my meat, frozen and in a bag.

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oh, jeez! funny in such a demented way!

Rahm Emanuel retarded the decline of derogatory terms.

Husband to wife, "No way, there isn't a single sentence that can make me happy and sad at the same time." Wife to husband, "You have the biggest penis...of all your friends."

omg roflmao, thats a good one! I had to read it a few times, but damn, lololol!

I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I never hit a man with glasses. I prefer to use a baseball bat.

Segfried and Roy's Tigers say that people taste Fabulooouuuuss!!

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

Didja hear about the cannibal who passed his mother on the trail?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

A man walks into a bar... OW!

sorry