Happy F'N Thanksgiving: A Story of Horror

The events depicted are true. No need to disguise the identities of the parties involved as I am the one and only asshat with a part to play here. Reader discretion is advised.

It's the day after Thanksgiving and it's a beautiful sunny day in South Central Kentucky. I'm full and fat from the previous days feasting. My wife is out with her mother and out of my hair. My dogs are running around like idiots in the back yard and not directly under my feet. I am free to do as I please. So I says to myself, "Self, lets go to the garage and get a workout in. You could use it after all that food." So I proceed to the garage.

Upon entering the garage I notice a strange pool at my garage door. It is connected to my freezer and 4 tap refrigerator. "No big deal," says I, "it's probably just my freezer defrosting." But, just because I'm a curious cat I opened the door of my refrigerator.

The next few minutes are a bit of a blur as my rage took over, but through the molten hot fury and between the cacophony of curses that flew out my mouth I was left with the realization that the hefe that I had been carefully cultivating for nigh a month (and had yet to pull one f*****g pint from!) had vacated its keg for the freedom of my garage and driveway.

The inside of the fridge was flooded with hefe. My floor, as it turned out, was covered in hefe. I can only assume my driveway had been a rushing river of hefe sometime during the night. I was left with only CO2 and my dignity in that empty keg.

After some investigation, I found the root of the problem. I had the night before upped the pressure in that keg to force the carbonation. Apparently, the force was too much for the line at the tap. It leaked. A lot. Approximately 5 gallons worth.

The sh*t of it is, a f*****g $0.10 hose clamp could have avoided this situation. But no. I thought it would be ok without one. And who knows better than I?! I mean seriously, I have 4 brews under my belt at this point so I am the standard by which brew-related process and result is judged. What an asshat.

A "funny" side story follows thus: I was so mad when I figured out what happened that I pulled the hose off the tap without releasing the pressure in the keg shooting the foam that was in the line all over my face, my head, the front of the kegerator, and into my eye. I don't have to go any farther for you to draw your own pop-culture comparisons. At least they get paid for their humiliation.

Another kicker, since I am the whipping-boy of the Beer Gods this day, is that the two kegs I had on tap both kicked. Tonight. The hefe was supposed to get me to the Hazlenut Brown Nectar I have conditioning (1 week old today). But no. Of course not. Now I am beerless. 5 gallons in the pipeline, 5 gallons of Apfelwein 2 weeks away, NOTHING ON TAP. Unbelievable.

I guess there is a moral here. Well, maybe 2 morals. 1) If you're going to spend 5 hours on brew-day, 3 weeks in fermentation minding the F*****G blow-off tube, and 1 week conditioning in the keg - USE THE GD CLAMPS! Just use the clamps. That's all. Use the clamps. And 2) The Beer Gods hate me and furthermore are ********. They're having a good laugh at my expense (not the least of which at my foam-facial) and that's fine. I will have my revenge.

I know this is long winded; I apologize. That is just how I roll. Hopefully my humiliation will save others the trouble. On the other hand, it is probable that nobody else is asinine enough to do what I did.

Use the clamps. Please. The clamps are your friend.

Deacon.

PS - Use the clamps.

My condolences.

Yep, use the clamps. It's cheap insurance.

Be careful what you say about the Beer Gods, they're not as benevolent as the real God.

Sorry to hear about that, man. I think I would have cried had that happened to me.

Wow. I feel bad for you. Souded like a great day turned into what would have been the worst day of my life

fat x nub said:

Wow. I feel bad for you. Souded like a great day turned into what would have been the worst day of my life

Click to expand...

If spilled beer is what constitutes the worst day of your life, I want your life.

BTW, I've heard that clamps should be used.

Edit: To the OP, thanks for good story. Thanks for giving us a laugh at your expense.

And I was thinking to start kegging....screw that.

Right about now I'm pondering if all of my faucets have clamps. I know I took a short cut on a few of the CO2 lines, and when I did get clamps I couldn't even pull the connection apart to get a clamp on, so I figured f'it, if I can't pull that sucker apart then I guess it won't leak.

Good advice, thanks. Funny story too.

I lost a whole batch in a similar way. I know how you feel.

Damn. As funny as it sounds from almost 3 thousand miles away, I feel your pain. Thanks for the reminder about the smallest parts always being the issue.

I lost half a keg the other summer when I set the garbage pail lid over the garbage can I was using to chill and serve beer for a party and the lid was sitting on the picnic tap handle just slightly enough to cause it to leak.

Unfortunately it didn't go all over the garage floor (it stayed in the garbage can) if it did I could have spotted it sooner and might have possibly saved a little bit.


Sorry for your loss

I don't have a clamp on my picnic tap. Warning taken.

You need some Shamwow's stat!

You should be a goddamned writer! I'm pissing my pants here. Sorry about the hefe, of course.

Just think if you never went to workout and you found it lets say....Mon after work!

I truly appreciate that you waited until you calmed down to type that out. Instead of me feeling pity for some guy ranting and raving, I feel pity for a guy that told one hell of a funny story.

My condolences to you, and your kegarator. At least your garage floor should love you for a while

Clamps, Clamps we don't need no stink'n clamps. OOP's



Bummer, but thanks for the nudge for those of us that may run with scissors and push it.

I had the same thing happen except it was the gas line that leaked. I was was left with no CO2 and flat beer.

1/4" worm clamps. They practically give them away at Lowe's.

I bought so many, I double clamped my Sanyo kegerator upstairs since it was sitting on the nice wood flooring.

In fact...I prolly have like 20 or 30 just laying around doing nothing.

...just trying to make you feel better...

If it makes you feel any better, I bought a 5 gallon corney, perlick faucet, and a bicycle CO2 pump recently so I could take some homebrew to my sisters for Thanksgiving. After sampling my Ale and the beers my brother made all night, I had about 1/2 gallon left in the corney. I knew I should have pulled the tap and CO2 off, but I thought it would be okay. Well the next day I forgot to pull the tank out and while running errands the tap got bumped on and the beer was poured all over inside my jeep.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and condolences.

As a little update, it has become painfully evident that there is rogue hefe lurking underneath the freezer and kegerator. Of course there is...anyway, my garage smells like a fraternity house, minus the bleach. I know it will go away in a couple of days, but for now it's like a spiteful slap in the face every time I go out there. Awesome.

This week I plan to go to Lowes and see just how many of those clamps I can get in my cart. I'm not sure if they sell them by the gross, but that information will be mine. Not much else to do but clean kegs...yippee.

I made a big order from B3 last night to try and get this pipeline back up and running. Hopefully it'll be here this weekend, but if I had to put a Benji on it I would say the Beer Gods will put the kibosh on it for me. But hey, at least my wife is having a jewelry party here at the house this weekend! Just goes to show you that every cloud has a silver lining!

Man, embrace this feeling and write a song. This is what the blues are all about.