texts from last night

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DeathBrewer

DeathBrewer

Maniacally Malty
HBT Supporter
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
21,787
Reaction score
320
Location
Oakland, CA
(561): You drink too much
(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
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:D

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

(646): If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
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(813): i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
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(831): Hey, what are you up to?
(802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
(802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
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(207): I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
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(702): I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
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Wow! Good find!

(404): My penis looks like a roll of pennies
(303): Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
(404): Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...

That's some funny ****!
 
SRSLY. Some EPIC stuff in here:

(908): what if I'm pregnant?
(848): smusmorshion
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(781): i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
(1-781): didn't that happen to you last weekend?
(781): shut up.
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(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.
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(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that
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(614): I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
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(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
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Wow.... just wow... So much for studying for a Digi Comm Theory final....

(609): if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow

(651): dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.

(703): I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this ****in recession

Maybe I'll try this one with SWMBO tonight.

(203): The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.

Another gem:

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom
 
Some more...

(217): What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
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(406): When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
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(610): she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
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(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this ****in recession
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(905): I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
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(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" *******.
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OK, I've actually had to do this a few times:

(504): i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
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A few more before I leave werk...

(914): i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
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(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
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(917): what time did you get home last night?
(1-917): SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
(1-917): He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
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I should really go to bed.

(804): You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
(1-804): If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
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(312): awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the *****cat dolls !!!!!
(708): Did someone propose they get off the stage?
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I started reading these at work and I was laughing so hard I was in tears. lol I was getting strange looks from everyone.
 
I'm still at it...

(212): This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
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Wow..I haven't laughed this hard in a long time...


(510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
(1-510): It was probably Jesus.
(510): I feel like he would have left a message.


(760): Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.


(910): He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
(910): I think that's fair trade off


(626): i need an iv and a liver transplant


(518): I hraet yuo
(862): did you say you heart me or hate me?
(518): who is this?
 
(713): Holy ****! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.

amazing thing is... that's not even weird in Louisiana
 
(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream
 
(916): is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
(1-916): what happened to yours?
(916): i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.

Anyone here?
 
(626): What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
(1-626): You have mice?
(626): no why?

Really, I am wierd and could not think of the reasons for the mouse traps. nipples?
 
(573): Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??

Wow, just had that situation. not funny.
 
(402): So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
(1-402): Ahh dude, that ****ing sucks, what'd you do about it?
(402): Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.

(773): So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first

(610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
(1-610): who is canola oil?
(610): you're an idiot.

That last one must be from my area. Only wegmans here
 
(425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
 
(713): Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
(713): I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
(832): Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
 
(707): I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
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(707): My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
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(707): I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
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(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom
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Love That One^^^

(310): I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
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(813): I'm ****ing your sister right now.
(1-813): You mother****er
(813): She's next.
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(337): I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
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(734): Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
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(412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
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(256): You took my girl thats shot the **** out. You better watch your skinny ass.
(1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
(256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
(1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
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(619): I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
(1-619): You literally just made my flesh crawl.
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And to finish it off with something local here

(650): i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
(408): Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
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Classic! More to come
 
(813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
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no way to explain my subdued laughter that I am stiffling so that the other people in the office can't hear me. I am dying here.
 
I lied, this has to be someone from here.

(570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
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not so much these

(773): Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
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(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.
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(404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
(1-404): haha good one..how did you even know?
(404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
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(734): I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

(813): This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

(215): So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
 
(415): I had sex with two girls on two seperate occasions last night
(1-415): Make sure you wrap your weiner up or it will fall off. Herpes is the new aids
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hurts me to see this in writing
 
SSBrew 300

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