My brother, who was 16 years older than me, and was everything from my Best friend to a mentor, to in some ways even a father figure, died on Christmas Eve 17 years ago. It's still hard.
I'm the first one to admit that I pretty much hate Christmas....which for a Christian Minister, is not "normal."
It's not a day I get through easily. I really don't get "into" the Christmas Spirit until I get past that day. Some years I break down on that day, but most of them now I try to be so busy that, although it's there, a looming presence, and something I acknowledge, just get past. In a lot of ways, even though it's painful, it's poignant too.
It's going to suck. There's no if and or buts about it.
And it's going to suck nearly every year, because as opposed to other people's death dates, which we don't tend to remember over time, you're going to get smacked in the face with it every year. In fact you're going to be smacked in the face with it from July on when the first "Christmas in July" sales begins, and again at the end of summer when those ****ers start decorating all the stores for Christmas. It's a good thing they no longer sell weapons at most big box stores or there's been times I've been tempted grab a shotgun from sporting goods and take out a few blowup snowmen and aluminum Christmas Trees, when it's not even Halloween yet.
But it sucks because we love. That's one of the curses of being human, we love, and we lose, and we hurt. But I think it's more important to have folks we love in our lives than to go through our lives like robots, unfeeling.
The suckage won't go away, but it will ease with time. It will be rough for the next few years, but it will suck less as the pain of the loss lessens.
The thing for this year is to find things to distract you. If you have kids and family, then you have joy at the holidays, that's a good distraction, especially if you have to put on a "happy face" for kids.
But if you don't have that, like I don't then find other things. Make a brew day with friends. Volunteer at a soup kitchen....Be Santa at a Christmas party....or get so bleeding stumbling drunk that you pass out through the whole thing.....I've done it all.....
Basically do what you need to do....Feel what you need to feel. If you need to be angry, do so. Any response any feeling you have, except for harming yourself or others is the right response....Don't let anyone tell you different.
If I can help in any way as the day gets closer, let me know. I've spent many a Christmas Eve drunk in front of the computer, on chat with folks, since I'm single again, I'll probably be doing it this year.
