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homebrewer_99

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A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.

"Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She pries off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says. :D

(Asterix were already in the joke...no censoring took place here...)
 
The phone rings. A woman answers.
"Is this Mrs. Brauer?"
"Yes?"
"We're deeply sorry to inform you that your husband just drowned to death in a conditioning tank at the brewery he works at."
"Oh my God, that's terrible...please tell me he did't suffer too much"
"Oh, I don't think so....he got out about three times to pee!"
 
Two homebrewers are walking by a park and see a dog licking it's balls...

One says 'I wonder if I could do that'...

The other says 'Maybe you ought to pet him first'...
 
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
 
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.
 
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job” says his agent.

“That’s great!” says the actor. “What is it?”

“Well,” says the agent, “it’s a one-liner.”

“That’s ok replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work so long I’ll take anything; What’s the line?”

“‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar’”, says the agent.

“I love it,” says the actor. “When’s the audition?”

“Wednesday.” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts with all the passion of the line, “Hark! I hear the cannons roar!”

“Brilliant!” says the director. “You’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.”

The actor is so excited that he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; “Hark! I hear the cannons roar! Hark! I hear the cannons roar! Hark! I hear the cannons roar!”

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. “Who are you?” asks the bouncer. “I’m ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!’” You’re ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!? You’re late. Get up to make-up straight away.

So he runs up to the make-up girl. “Who are you?” she says?

“I’m ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!”

“You’re ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!? You’re late. Sit down here,” she says as she starts to apply the make up. After she’s finished he dashes down to the stage.

“Who are you?” says the stage-manager.

“I’m ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!” he says.

“You’re ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!? Get on out there, the curtain is about to go up.

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor turns around and shouts, “WHAT F*CK WAS THAT?”
 
A hooded armed robber bursts into the bank and tells the tellers to put all the cash in the bag.


On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.



The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!



He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.



One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots her in the head.



Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.



"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.



There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:



"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse"
 
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']A Marine Colonel was about to start the
morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all
assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound
sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex
was "work" and how much of It was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of
work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of
pleasure, depending upon His state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded,"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might
guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved,
the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

[/FONT]
 
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and i'd have to quit

Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me

I told her that was what the beer was for
 
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in
> their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know
> what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
> The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6
> year old continues, "When we go downstairs for
> breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and
> you say something with ass."
>
> The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks
> the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he
> replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
> Cheerios.
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across
> the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
> crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
> pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His
> mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can
> stay there until I let you out!"
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4
> year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do
> YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your
> ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your
husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea
and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn
and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he
never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps.
 
What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.


(don't get offended....it's only a joke!)
 
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