My defunct almost lager.

I made some lager and was all set for refrigeration in my mini fridge, when I found out that you are supposed to refrigerate in the carboy (as opposed to after bottling). My carboy didn't fit in the fridge so I just decided to refrigerate after bottling anyways. After two weeks of being in the fridge the beer is completely flat. I tried one that was not refrigerated and it has some carbonation to it. My thought is that I shouldn't have just put the bottles in the fridge right away at the coldest temp but instead start with a higher temperature and gradually decrease it.

So my plan was to take all the bottles out of the fridge and let them sit for a couple of days and then try this gradual cooling idea. I'm assuming it would be stupid to add more sugar to the bottles. I would like some advice as to whether or not my plan has any hope of suceeding and if not what should I do?

You were supposed to let the bottles carbonate first as you found out. What I would do is take the bottles out and warm them up. Resuspend the yeast every day for a couple of days and leave in a dark warm place for 2 weeks and try one for carbonation. If it is carbonated to your standards then chill it for a couple of months at lager temps.

I made a mistake with my Vienna lager. I kept it cold all the way through bottling. I kept getting flat/sweet beer. When the basement started warming up, the bottles started to carbonate. Now, each bottle opens with a reassuring "ffffffsssssst!" noise. Let the bottles warm up and leave them out for a couple weeks. Your beer will be fine.

Well I'm relieved that this will work, my last batch was one of those ready made kits that I got for christmas and it didn't carbonate very well either and I am still not sure why...Oh yeah, what is resuspending?

What boo boo is saying is, resuspend the yeast by swirling the bottle a little bit. You just want to rouse the yeast that's settled at the bottom and get it suspended in the beer so it will be more prone to do it's thing and carbonate your beer.

I'd suggest putting your bottles into a large plastic tub with a lid when you warm them up. I over carbed mine. And some of mine have become bottle bombs. I had two flippy Grolsch bottles explode, and do I mean EXPLODE! I've been finding beer residue and glass fragments 15 feet away from where the bottle was sitting.