Stauffbier
Well-Known Member
Why do I always end up having to fart when I'm racking or bottling beer? The same thing happens when I'm on a date! :smack:
Why?!
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Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
Why does it matter? As long as you're not pushing the envelop too far, it's all good.
Learn to 'stealth fart' for when you're on a date...
Learn to 'stealth fart' for when you're on a date...
Yep. As long as you're not lifting a leg and leaning (or rattling the windows), you should be able to crack a few off on a date no problem. I used to be able to tell you at a glance if a certain piece of furniture (say, for instance, a couch) was going to 'hold' one for you*, or if you'd soon be basking in your own glory.
It helps if you can time 'em with an excuse - say the waiter taking the order at the table next to you, passing a farm while driving, etc. You can sometimes blame the dog - but only if she hasn't experienced your dog's farts yet. (My lab has a very distinct "brand". Will water your freaking eyes.)
*I had an armchair in my dorm in college...thing was great. You could drop the nastiest, foulest, most unholy bomb known to man in that thing, and not smell it a bit. But god help the next poor sap to flop down in that chair - it'd release the last two weeks worth it had been holding. You always GENTLY sat down in that thing. Every time we had women coming over, that thing got a full BOTTLE of Febreeze.
It helps if you can time 'em with an excuse - say the waiter taking the order at the table next to you, passing a farm while driving, etc. You can sometimes blame the dog - but only if she hasn't experienced your dog's farts yet. (My lab has a very distinct "brand". Will water your freaking eyes.)
*I had an armchair in my dorm in college...thing was great. You could drop the nastiest, foulest, most unholy bomb known to man in that thing, and not smell it a bit. But god help the next poor sap to flop down in that chair - it'd release the last two weeks worth it had been holding. You always GENTLY sat down in that thing. Every time we had women coming over, that thing got a full BOTTLE of Febreeze.
Because you're a man?
I never have that issue, because as we all know females don't fart.
carguy13
Well-Known Member
Why does it matter? As long as you're not pushing the envelop too far, it's all good.
Learn to 'stealth fart' for when you're on a date...
the stealth fart can go horribly wrong... be careful with that one.
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
It's not easy to shoot down, when proper methods are employed.
You need to practice so that you can do it and not grin like a madman after though. Plus, make sure you're either leaving an area, or the wind is in your face (and she's not right behind you ). Or you could just blame it on new shoes. Even if you're wearing the same ones for years. In which case, blame the OLD shoes.
It can easily shape-shift into a shart if you're not absolutely careful.
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
That's why your fartfoo must be strong.
Plus, having total sphincter control is critical.
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Stauffbier
Well-Known Member
Learn to 'stealth fart' for when you're on a date...
I've actually done this quite a few times. I've tried holding them in, but that creates vapor lock. Vapor lock never ends well!
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
Don't hold them in, just perform a slow release with low force/pressure behind it.
Of course, that's only if you're still on the first few dates. After that, the gloves come off. 
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Haven't met my wife, have you.
In my family my dad used to let em rip pretty much anywhere but work and church. My older brother and my son are the same way. Not me, wish I were.
Hey! It is a problem for girls too I'd imagine. Many years ago my beautiful single Australian sister-in-law came for a visit. My wife hooked her up with a date. At one point the guy and her were on a pier at the ocean. My SIL causally took a stroll to the end of the pier trying to keep the guy from following so she could fart. He followed! She held it in.
Hey! It is a problem for girls too I'd imagine. Many years ago my beautiful single Australian sister-in-law came for a visit. My wife hooked her up with a date. At one point the guy and her were on a pier at the ocean. My SIL causally took a stroll to the end of the pier trying to keep the guy from following so she could fart. He followed! She held it in.
cluckk
Well-Known Member
Every married man can shout: "A lie! A damnable lie! You ladies pretend you don't fart until after the wedding, and then you let one out that gags the dog."
cluckk
Well-Known Member
One time, while preaching, I accidentally burped and the microphone amplified it. I tried to apologize and go on, but then I heard my daughter say to her friend, "Now he's gonna fart!" she said it loud enough that half the church heard it. The whole place lost it at that point.
that right there is one for the embarrassing moments book.
my wife knew what I was capable of long before we started dating. I'm proud of what I pass & always have been. but I always have the courtesy to go to another room when I'm bottling.
cluckk
Well-Known Member
Farting while bottling should only be a problem if you are squatting over the open bottles. But if you are doing that I think you would give a whole new meaning to skunked beer.
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Stauffbier
Well-Known Member
You haven't met one of my farts. That stuff can permeate the entire room. I know Revvy says that bacteria aren't acrobat ninjas, but my fecal bacteria might be the exception to the rule!
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
I've cleared entire [large] rooms before with mine. Didn't even need to check my shorts after (was bone dry but laid waste to everything in it's path
)... I've almost knocked people out while in the truck and letting one out (I don't hold back when in MY vehicle). Good thing the windows work (need to figure out how to lock the passenger side window :cross...
like I used to say when pipe welding: strike an arc, let one bark.
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Stauffbier
Well-Known Member
I've almost knocked people out while in the truck and letting one out (I don't hold back when in MY vehicle). Good thing the windows work (need to figure out how to lock the passenger side window :cross
***NOTE TO SELF*** Never ride with Golddiggie!
+1
Oh man, you ain't kidding. Had Long John Silvers for lunch one day, before a date that night. Went waaaaaay too heavy on the malt vinegar sauce. Knew I was packing some pretty vile emissions, so I held it in...the entire date (movies at her house..and I couldn't sneak off to let one rip, because I knew it was going to be loud and vile). Was cramping up something FIERCE by the time I headed home. Kissed goodnight, got in the truck, shut the door...and let loose. I was a freaking mile and a half down the road before I finally ran out of pressure.... and was almost 10 miles down the road before the air was 'normal' again (it was about fifteen below, so driving with the windows open wasn't an option)
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
LMAO!!!
Doesn't your truck have a sliding rear window in it? I find that cracking that open does a good amount to bring in fresh air without turning the truck into a rolling freezer. Crank up the heat to offset and you're good.
Did you dissolve the window seals with that one??
LMAO!!!
Doesn't your truck have a sliding rear window in it? I find that cracking that open does a good amount to bring in fresh air without turning the truck into a rolling freezer. Crank up the heat to offset and you're good.
Did you dissolve the window seals with that one??
Dude....
Where the heck were you 10 years ago? That truck DID have a sliding rear window! Man, that would have REALLY helped out.... I'm going to blame the combination of the kiss goodnight and then the toxic cloud for my brain missing that one.
It was about 6 months later that the bolt attaching the seat back to the recliner mechanism broke...never thought about their being a possible connection...
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
My 2002 Ranger has one.
The same bolt head snapped off of one side on my seat too. Went a while like that (it would hold in position, I just couldn't adjust it with the spring action). Then the second one broke. Not a minor thing getting that fixed. Luckily, I shouldn't have that issue again, for as long as I own the truck.
The urge to fart when racking beer is caused by the same reaction when dating: The anticipation of something good gets you excited, causing chemical reactions in the gut.
Went caving with some guy friends. One of them cut loose so bad in the middle of the night it woke it us up. In the morning we had to check the mattress to see if there was a hole in it!
Went caving with some guy friends. One of them cut loose so bad in the middle of the night it woke it us up. In the morning we had to check the mattress to see if there was a hole in it!
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
I'm, unfortunately, going to have to be the guy who takes this one step farther. Ever notice you never have to fart (or pee) until you commence with sexy time?
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
That's why you're supposed to go BEFORE 'game time'...
Even if you don't think you need to, do it and you'll be happier... Or you won't get banned for farting and peeling the paint off the walls, ceiling, curling up the rug(s), etc... 
Oh lord,I've been sittin here reading with tears in my eyes. Y'all are some funny mothers! My favorite one is at the grocery store on shopping day after chili & beer at lunchtime. If I see the isle is crowded & momma needs to see/get something (she's a wee bit of a thing),I go down the isle before hand & lay down a smoke screen that'd gag a maggot. Maybe I should hang a sign on my backside like at work; "no smoking,matches,or open lights". Man,y'all ought to see those isle hoggin hoes scatter! You know the ones-they park the cart on one side to look at something on the other side. I get within firing range,& ease out the most foul abomanation from the depths of intestinal fortitude. I laugh to myself when kids cry or screem "eeew,yuk!" & run away,mothers following a clse second mumbling something...
cluckk
Well-Known Member
I've thought long and hard about the physics of the human fart. Gas bubbles usually rise and exit upward. So why is it that we humans (who walk upright) fart instead of only burp? You'd think that would be the proper direction for all gases to escape. With cattle I understand since much of their life is spent with their head lower than their buttocks, but why is it this way with us?
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
It has more to do with the one way valve in out stomachs preventing things from going back up (no matter what South Park shows). Burps are from stomach activity, not intestinal (as I understand it). So, farts have no choice but to head towards the sphincter in order to escape.
"Speak, oh toothless wonder, impart upon us your wisdom."
cluckk
Well-Known Member
Yes, I knew all that. Actually when I was in the Army I got so constipated that nothing could exit down there--not even gas. I could feel the gas bubbles build up and painfully move down, then back up and finally exit as a burp. Talk about breath that smelled like crap!
Golddiggie
Well-Known Member
That must have been some extreme blockage... You know you're not supposed to eat glue, right??
what would you like to know? bwahahaha!!
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Stauffbier
Well-Known Member
I think you just referred to yourself as a flatulent ass!
I am an ass & quite flatulent.
cluckk
Well-Known Member
That must have been some extreme blockage... You know you're not supposed to eat glue, right??
The doctor asked what I had been eating and I told him "Just the mess hall food." He said, "That's your problem. That stuff will kill you."
Lmao!
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