One Liner Jokes

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FireNightFly

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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

He who laughs last didn't get it.
 
When you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards he keeps comin' and comin'...

We were so poor after my father died that the funeral director asked if we wanted paper or plastic for his ashes...

We were so poor when I was growing up that we couldn't afford any toys so if I didn't wake up with a hard-on I had nothing to play with all day...

The Russian Henny Youngman...Take my wife, I command you...
 
I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.
 
I played a country music record backwards and my wife came back, my dog came back and I quit drinking.

A bunch from the modern king of one-liners, Steven Wright:

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 
I bet you I could stop gambling.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot"
 
Henny Youngman was the king of the one liners.

I take my wife everywhere ---but she keeps coming back.

My wife said , take me some place I've never been before --- so I took her to the kitchen.

I played a horse yesterday, it took 7 horses to beat him.

If my mother new I did this for a living she would kill me, she thinks I'm selling dope.

A Polish man was stuck in an elevator for two hours during a blackout, I asked him why he didn't get out out and walk down, he said because he was going up.

I just got back from a pleasure trip, I took my mother-in -law to the airport.

The doctor told me I had six months to live, I said I wanted a second opinion, He says you're ugly too.
 
one more . . .

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
 
A skeleton walked into a bar. The bartender says "What'll ya have"? The skeleton says "A beer and a mop"...:ban:




An egg and two strips of bacon walk into a bar...the bartender says "we don't serve breakfast in here"...
 
A skeleton walked into a bar. The bartender says "What'll ya have"? The skeleton says "A beer and a mop"...:ban:




An egg and two strips of bacon walk into a bar...the bartender says "we don't serve breakfast in here"...

Wow! Bad!
 
I asked the doctor how to tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer, he said by the taste.
 
A Rabbi, a Hindu imam, and a Zen teacher walk into a bar in Alabama. The bartender says "GTFO!"
 
More Steven Wright gems:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
And more:

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
 
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.


I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest

One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

- The late great Rodney Dangerfield
 
A ham roll and a pastrami on rye walk into a bar, barman says, "sorry we don't serve sandwiches"

The dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

The dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to santa.
 
You know your drunk when you have to hold onto the ground to keep the world from spinning.
 
Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips

A woman's panties are not the greatest thing in the world, they are the next thing to it.

If you try to fail, and succeed.... which one have you done?
 
You go to a restaurant and the waitress only has one leg, whats her name? Ilean

What restaurant are you at? IHOP
 
Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
 
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
 
Father tells his son, "Son, if you don't stop touching yourself you'll go blind." Son said, "Dad, I'm over here!"

Did you hear about the fire at the indian reservation? The heat was intense (in-tents.... sorry, it's hilarious but usually just vocal)
 
Seen on the ceiling in the men's room above the urinal;

If you can read this, you're peeing on your shoes.
 
A man goes to the doctor and is given 6 months to live, The man says I cant pay the bill in 6 months so the doctor gives him another 6 months.
 
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