Ended up having to go to two different stores to find some light DME (briess light pilsen was as close as i could find). boiled that in a gallon of water, cooled it, added that along with another gallon of top-off to 5 gallons. Missed what Beersmith said I would get, but made it to the exact OG from the recipe, waiting for the yeast to finish rehydrating, wort's sitting at 68 ready to go. should turn out to be beer in the end.
Learning experience, for sure.
-Learned I don't have room for all grain in my kitchen.
-Learned I can boil 4 gallons of wort by spanning two burners.
-Learned paint strainer bags are excellent for filtering the wort on the way into primary.
-Learned that strained pellet hop trub looks just like really high-quality herb
-Learned no matter what, i'll need to make a last-minute run to the LHBS to get something i forgot
It'll be beer, and assuming the rules of this forum hold true, probably my best brew to date.