I Am A "Mean, Terrible Person!"

Yesterday, after SWMBO, her daughter (19) and I looked out the windows (those that we could see out of!) at the results of the blizzard, SWMBO and I headed outside and started digging out our driveway, during which time, her daughter stayed in. Three-and-a-half hours later, as we limped back into the house, I looked for her daughter. It seems that as soon as we went outside, she decided to LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH AND GO BACK TO SLEEP.
Fast forward to this morning, and she's pestering the crap out of me for a ride to her b/f's house. The following conversation took place:
Her-"Will you please drive me over there now? I haven't seen him in three days!"
Me-"No. I'm making one run today, and you'll have to wait. You're lucky that I'm giving you a ride at all, after yesterday."
"Why??? What did I do?"
"Nothing. THAT'S the problem!"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
I went into the whole thing about her going back to sleep while her mother and I busted our asses off, and as a result, could barely move last night.
"I wasn't going out there yesterday! I hate the snow!"
I then explained, remaining as calm as I could, that her mother (In her early 40's) has a bad back and is facing major surgery, and I (50 on my next b-day) with a bad knee, shoulder AND back, were out there, and there was no reason that she couldn't be out there helping. I then told her that we do all sorts of things for her, including going out of our way to give them rides (neither of them drive), and this is how she thanks us? I told her that I'm done, she does NOTHING to help around the house, and that from now on she only gets rides from me when it's on my way.
Her reaction?..."You're mean! That's terrible! That's SO not fair!!!"

Now she's laying on the couch, pouting and texting her b/f. I'm here, laughing at her.

Hopefully, SWMBO supports your position.



I do.

You cruel bastard!
seems like we need to go to extremes to get thru to these kids... I actually started shoveling the snow on top of my daughters car... till she got the clue and now helps clear the driveway, not just her car.

that'll happen. if it's any consolation, my daughters didn't help either. but they're 3 and 1. lol

She's frickin 19? Get a job!!

I most definitely concur! After raising FOUR daughters...you are 100% spot-on!

glenn514

I dont have kids as of yet, but I am thankful my parents had a "tough love" approach as well in parenting me.

"Dont want to eat dinner? Then dont eat at all."

"Dont feel like doing chores? Dont leave the house until you do" (This was of course before cell phones and computers)

sprocketmaker said:

... I actually started shoveling the snow on top of my daughters car... till she got the clue and now helps clear the driveway, not just her car.

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Love it. I will be taking this page out of your book when the time comes

Her-"Will you please drive me over there now? I haven't seen him in three days!"

You-"I'm not going out there today! I hate driving in the snow!"

That's how it would go at my house. Fortunately I've always been that way with them so even my youngest @ 10yrs knows she helps out or gets nothing.

My 8 year old helps shovel snow. Granted it just with a kids shovel but he likes helping Dad out.

You should have driven over to the BF's house and brought him back to your house...then make him shovel the snow. "You want to see my daughter...then start shoveling."

I would have dragged her lazy arse out of the house yesterday before the first shovel-full was tossed. Hell, I had my 7 year old daughter shoveling 2' of snow off of her giant trampoline last weekend so it didn't get ruined.

sprocketmaker said:

You cruel bastard!
seems like we need to go to extremes to get thru to these kids... I actually started shoveling the snow on top of my daughters car... till she got the clue and now helps clear the driveway, not just her car.

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That is awesome.

I think she should have helped pitch in. In one sense she is a 19 yr old girl and probably not the best snow shoveler around. However, after at least attempting to help she still could have heated you guys up some coffee or soup or made you lunch at least. I don't blame you for not giving her a ride. I would let her know the next time the driveway needs shoveling is the next opportunity she has for a ride.

I'm lucky. My girls usually love to help. Now the little one was sick yesterday, and the older one didn't help shovel (she let me snow blow after work while she did none of it all day with no school) but she did a bit of housework, as usual. She still got a brief comment from me about maybe it would have been nice to at least shovel around the doors. But she understands reality and expectations and often goes out of her way to help others.

I think you did the right thing. She's 19 FFS! Most kids don't understand what fair really is until they have kids of their own.

Mine's nine. She plays with the dog and shovels the steps while Daddy runs the snowblower. Then she makes tuna sandwiches for lunch when we come in.

I second the motion of bringing the bf over to shovel. Put his ass to work, and he'll be too tired to try and get frisky!

pernox said:

I second the motion of bringing the bf over to shovel. Put his ass to work, and he'll be too tired to try and get frisky!

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Come on now. At 19 he could shovel all the driveways in the neighborhood and still have the energy to get frisky.

I actually would rather shovel the snow myself. I have a 19 yr old son that would shovel anytime I ask but it is just something I enjoy doing. The same as cutting the grass in the summer. It gets me outdoors and yeah I have all the aches and pains of a 58 yr old. However..... I heard a story the other day from a guy who said his 19 year old daughter was backing her car out of the driveway and got her car stuck. She used her cell phone to call her Mom to come outside and shovel her out. She's in her driveway and calls the house. The daughter actually sat in the car while the Mom shoveled her out....

iaefebs said:

She's in her driveway and calls the house. The daughter actually sat in the car while the Mom shoveled her out....

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this is just wrong!

Bravo. sir. Bravo.

Damn this is crazy. When I was 19 I no longer lived at home. But, when I was 18, I would have had to shovel my families driveway, then dig MY car out which was parked on the street so that I could go to WORK.

Considering she is 19 and doesn't drive her self around, and you are kind enough not to make her walk since she doesn't drive, I support your position.

dataz722 said:

Come on now. At 19 he could shovel all the driveways in the neighborhood and still have the energy to get frisky.

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No way. If her bf is too lazy to come see her, then he'd probably be too lazy to even start. From what I've seen of most 19 year olds lately, if that were the option, then he'd probably dump her. Too much work to "get some".

kung, you did the right thing, and I heartily applaude you. I've had similar arguments with my 14 year old son already, and he's starting to figure it out. I give my kids an allowance, not for specific chores to be done, but for the shared responsibility of maintaining a household, and I tell them exactly that. Which means that I won't ask them to clean a bathroom that is already clean, just because it's their chore, but I may tell them to do things that don't get done regularly such as cleaning and reorganizing the garage. And in the case of this snowstorm, they both helped me out with shoveling/blowing out our driveway and two of our neighbors. I felt it was a good lesson in community.

Acoma said:

I think she should have helped pitch in. In one sense she is a 19 yr old girl and probably not the best snow shoveler around.

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Come on it ain't rocket science. She should be able to be able to "Master" the skill in 3 minutes. And here training course should have started while she was in her single digits.IMHO

You are a mean terrible person and the world should have more people like you. Mabye there wouldnt be so many lazy kids out there

Years ago, when my stepdaughters were 10 and 12, I use to hear from them how they were treated like slaves because they had to do chores around the house. Their chores included unloading the dishwasher, taking the garbage out, disarming the “land mines” the dogs left in the back yard, and general cleaning around the house. I grew up on a farm and would tell them they had no idea what chores were. Of course, their response was “Well that would be fun taking care of animals.”
So, that summer I arranged for them to spend a week at my parent’s house. I asked my parents to let them experience farm life chores as I had. Dad would get them up at 5 AM to go feed the animals. He had about 75 head of beef cattle, six horses, some pigs, chickens, a couple of dogs and a goat. After the animals were fed then you got to go in, get cleaned up and eat breakfast. After breakfast there was always something around the farm that needed attention. Weeding the garden, fixing a fence, mowing the lawn, etc. At the end of the day the animals got fed again. I’m sure they didn’t get the full effect, but enough that it opened their eyes. The missed out on hauling hay and getting up every two hours during the night to change the water (flood irrigation).
After that whenever they would complain about their chores, I would remind them how good they had it and it would generally shut them right up!

MSweat said:

Years ago, when my stepdaughters were 10 and 12, I use to hear from them how they were treated like slaves because they had to do chores around the house. Their chores included unloading the dishwasher, taking the garbage out, disarming the “land mines” the dogs left in the back yard, and general cleaning around the house. I grew up on a farm and would tell them they had no idea what chores were. Of course, their response was “Well that would be fun taking care of animals.”
So, that summer I arranged for them to spend a week at my parent’s house. I asked my parents to let them experience farm life chores as I had. Dad would get them up at 5 AM to go feed the animals. He had about 75 head of beef cattle, six horses, some pigs, chickens, a couple of dogs and a goat. After the animals were fed then you got to go in, get cleaned up and eat breakfast. After breakfast there was always something around the farm that needed attention. Weeding the garden, fixing a fence, mowing the lawn, etc. At the end of the day the animals got fed again. I’m sure they didn’t get the full effect, but enough that it opened their eyes. The missed out on hauling hay and getting up every two hours during the night to change the water (flood irrigation).
After that whenever they would complain about their chores, I would remind them how good they had it and it would generally shut them right up!

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Classic!

My FIL (typical chauvinistic eastern european) gives me crap all the time about how I'd never survive being a farmer/fending for myself in the country. While I do disagree with him, I never use my thoughts that I could as my argument. I always tell him I spent 7 years in college so I would never have to. Needless to say, we don't really see eye to eye.

Bravo! Nicely handled

My in-laws are dealing with similiar with my sister in law who is only 17. My wife is total oppoiste personaility wise. But this one, man, major sense of the entiltlement. Sadly my in-laws don't throw the hammer down hard enough, nor frequent enough. A long cycle of caving in to her in the past has finally come back to bite them.

Ditto, what pretty much everyone above me has said. Time to lay down some ground rules, & make CWWO (child who will obey) carry her own weight. At her age (granted, I'm 29), I was not only shoveling sidewalks, but splitting firewood, washing cars, & doing laundry for myself. Do like the B-52's said, and lay down the law.

To better assess the situation we're going to need pics of her pouting on the couch.

This is harsh...................You are turning into a Republican.

A Democrat would have paid her to sit on the couch yesterday, drove her to boy friend's house and gave her money to buy dinner.


Edit: You did the right thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

andysim said:

This is harsh...................You are turning into a Republican.

A Democrat would have paid her to sit on the couch yesterday, drove her to boy friend's house and gave her money to buy dinner.

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inappropriate and inaccurate, AndySim

Obvious troll is painfully obvious.

You my friend, are awesome! I must say, I was raised to work hard for what we had. Im only 26, but my generation makes me sick. And the current generations even more so. There isnt many in my generation, or the current ones that know what "work" is. I work everyday for my money, and for everything me and my fiance have. We currently have one on the way, and let me tell you, we have already sat down and discussed what I would and would not allow. Now, many say "thats what you say now!" but im sorry, im one to put my foot down, and put it down very hard. And ive got a big foot!! My child WILL respect others, WILL work when its needed, and be expected to without asking more then once. I commend you in the way you handled the situation. Much better then I would have, and good for you on not letting in to her childish, immature ways.

Mischief_Brewing said:

I would have dragged her lazy arse out of the house yesterday before the first shovel-full was tossed. Hell, I had my 7 year old daughter shoveling 2' of snow off of her giant trampoline last weekend so it didn't get ruined.

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+1 Um... your the responsible adult right. Don't complain about the girls actions after the fact. Set your expectations upfront and follow through. There is a reason she was inside on the couch... the precedent had already been set.

Bravo man! Kids nowadays are really too lazy. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. A 19yo who can't shovel isn't worth anything. They need a solid work ethic. Stand your ground my good man. This is Parenting 101 at it's finest.

Well handled, kjung.

So did she help clear the new 2 inches of snow that fell over the weekend?

Also, if she does not drive, how does she get to work? At 19, if she does not have a job, how does she pay for her cell phone bill?

I apologize for not coming back into my own thread sooner, but I haven't been able to spend as much time here as I want. To answer some of the posted points:
SWMBO took the middle ground in this whole debacle. She sees my point, but we both also agree that she (SWMBO) is in large part to blame for this, too. She has basically allowed both of her kids to get away with doing nothing around the house. To make a long story as short as possible, their father was killed when they were 2 & 5, so she felt that she needed to let them enjoy as much of their childhood as possible, which meant that she would take on all of the burden.
When I came into the picture, five years ago, I started to change things, especially when she asked me to move in with them. The kids see me as a step-father, and I treat them just like I do my own two kids. I was raised to have responsibilities, and see no reason why her kids shouldn't also.
Now, as to the daughter...I've mentioned in other threads that she's epileptic, which means that up until now, she hasn't been able to work OR drive. She has now gone the longest stretch in 12 years, when she became epileptic, with out a seizure. She IS looking for work, and now taking driving classes, but it's still slow going. And she's still lazy.

However, NONE OF THAT is a reason, IMO, for her to not help around the house, especially after the blizzard. As I stated in my op, between her mother and I, we are a surgeon's wet dream. Helping us would not have done a thing to set off any seizures. As of today, it's still a bit of a cold war scenario between us. Fortunately, and most importantly, it hasn't affected my relationship with SWMBO.

Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.

My girlfriend rents, and her landlord contracts a plow truck to clear her driveway. Well, the day of the blizzard, the ******* driving the plow truck pile all of the snow so close to the garage that she couldn't get her car out. She has a really bad back, like the OP. She also has a 17 y/o daughter that refused to help shovel. (spoiled b!tch). When the girlfriend texted me that she was about to go out and shovel the snow hill, I was on my way to the monthly homebrew club meeting. I turned the car around, went back home, grabbed the dog and a couple of shovels, and proceeded to her house and shoveled it for her. No way was I going to let her risk her back. I would have bitched out the daughter, but that situation is beyond help. At least the daughter's boyfriend helped me shovel.