Kids... did anyone tell you how it'd be?

I love my kids, but it's weird, I'm not sure if I like parenting. I never really thought of it before I had one, but now that I have two, it's just unbearable at times.

I feel like my whole life, 24 hours a day, is about kids. My wife and I don't go out anymore. I get home after a 10 hour workday, then if I'm lucky, by the time we finish putting the kids down, I have 2 hours to spend with my wife or just chill out. Making beer is pretty much the only me time I get, which I do maybe twice a month but more like every three or four weeks.

I just don't understand how people can have more than two or three of these! Does it ever get easier? I feel this odd, conflicting emotion, I love my kids, and I play with them and I think I'm a good loving parent, but at the same time I feel so worn out and stressed with them that I just keep thinking "there's no bloody way I'm doing this again" and to make things worse, I think my wife wants a large family which I at this point have no interest in begetting.

Parenting is a double edged sword. I only had the one, and she was Heaven and hell in equal measure.

If she ever sick, I honestly felt like I would cut off my right arm if it would make her better. On the other hand, It could be very frustrating at times. I remember one day in the pub saying to a group of people, "Hey, you know when sometimes you feel like you just want to throw the little buggar against a wall?"......That went down terribly badly, but I knew damned well the shock on people's faces was faked. It's not like I would ever actually DO such a thing. I was simply being honest about my emotions, much more so than they would ever be. As it turned out, my 30 year old daughter turned out pretty fooking well, and a source of immense pride for me. You just gotta hang in there and trust yourself. That's all there is to it.

Dude, don't worry. All parents feels this way. How old are your kids? I have two daughters aged 8 months and 2 years and I can totally relate to what you're saying. I love my kids, I'm glad I have them, I'm a great parent, and I wouldn't give up being their dad for anything, but f*uck things are difficult sometimes. Don't expect things to get easier until they grow up and move out. But nothing f*cks up your life like a newborn. It does get a little easier when they get to be about 6 months or so.

A few suggestions from a sophmore parent:

1. Don't let your relationship with your wife become ONLY about the kids. Of course, it inevitably will be if you have a newborn. But as the kids get older and become a little more independent, you can't let your wife become merely a business partner. Send her love notes, let her know she's sexy, plan some couple time away from the kids. Whatever it takes.

2. Make time for yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to. A diversion. You already have brewing. Maybe something less expensive that you can do more often.

3. Try to remember that kids are a natural insurance policy. It seems hard now, but when you're too old to wipe your a** it will be their responsibility to change your sh*tty diapers. Kids are an investment that will pay dividends in the long run.

Thanks for the replies. The long run is pretty much the only thing I can think of. Which sounds so horrible, like I don't love my kids. I do, it's just the sheer amount of hours required that is killing me. My whole life I have worked for the weekend and those few hours after work, and now thats all gone.

It's the long run which keeps me going, I guess one day I'll have to tell my wife I want one more kid and that's it, which I'm not looking forward to since we got married thinking we both wanted a big family.

btw, my kids are 3 months and 24 months

I have 3 children,

They are a full time job ! but I am graced because there is a fair bit of time between them ! 13 yr old boy, 10 yr old girl and 4 yr old boy.

The only secret I have to offer is consistency........
if you treat any one of them better than the other than you will end up with animosity amongst them.

The early years were very tough because I was still working out what I wanted to be when I grew up but it gets better !

Wow, I do feel your pain. It does get better, then worse(teen), then better. I had two, can't imagine having more. Arrange a date night with the wife when it gets really bad. Agree that there will be NO discussion of child related anything. It doesn't have to be expensive (except for the sitter). It will help you be a better parent and connected with your wife on a different wavelength.

badmajon said:

btw, my kids are 3 months and 24 months

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3 months is still hard. It will get better. Wait until they're old enough to run around together and it will be more fun, even if it isn't less work.

i have a 2 yr old girl and a 4 yr old girl. as they get older, the more fun i think it is because it seem a little easier to go out to do things. i wouldn't change it for the world. being the only guy in the house, i go out to the bar a time or 2 each month with a couple buddies.

There are other people like me???
First, 3 mo and 24 mo is still all about mom. Soon the older one will become a whole lot more fun and the older they get, the easier it gets.

I don't love children. If my practice wife and I hadn't gotten pregnant I would probably never have had kids. My baby is 13 and she is a wonder to me. A great kid, a wonderful person and a good friend. My wife has a 7 year old and I feel the pressure of not loving children every day.

Gnome - Anyone who says they never wanted to wring the life out of their child is a dirty liar. Or on a significant amount of Valium.

I'm reminded of a comic: First panel, young boy saying, "When I grow up, I'll stay up all night!" Second panel: 3 a.m. Father with screaming baby.

As third of six, I decided a long time ago to not have kids. I really have no idea how my parents managed.

Parenting: All Joy, no Fun

hang in there.

Really interesting article there. Is it then, a sort of being torn between "happiness" and well, a kind of happiness that we don't have a word for in english, in ancient greek it was "makarios". It's like the word "blessed" but without the religious connotation, it means you're objectively satisfied and well off but doesn't refer to emotions or fun.

Anyway, I'm just going to hang in there.

I'm in the exact same boat. A three year old and a 1 year old. Half the time I really enjoy them. The other half I just want to be left alone (kinda selfish I know). The kids really get in between me and the wife. I'm rocketing down the priority totem pole which makes me resent her a bit (maybe a lot). I figure I'll just try and be patient, which is an awfully hard thing to do. Being patient is really hard for me so I usually shoot my mouth out and dig a deeper hole.

I do think my kids are the best thing that's happened to me. It's just the routines in life (work, kids, marriage, grad school (ugh!)) are too much to handle sometimes. You're definitely not the only one. Thank God for our little hobby.

Definitely hang in there, it does get better. My little girl is 9 now, and things are becoming easier. We can leave her alone for the 30 minutes to run to the gorcery store. She packs her own lunch for school. She Dresses herself (My wife still chooses the outfit thankfully). You'll look back and realise that there was alot of fun, even when you thought you weren't having any. I vividly remember a time when my wife wanted to take our daughter to the butterfly exhibit at the science center, on a day I had set the day aside for a brew day. I was a little grouchy during the trip, but made sure my daughter had a good time. Now when I look back at the photo's from the trip I realise that the memories were better than the 10 gallons of oatmeal stout I was planning.

I often tell people, "I love my kids to death. Sometimes with an emphasis on death."

As any other parent will tell you, I think I have the greatest kids on earth, but they aggravate the crap out of me. I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I love them, its just not possible. But nobody pisses me off more than they do. And on a regular basis, too.

jmendez29 said:

As any other parent will tell you, I think I have the greatest kids on earth, but they aggravate the crap out of me. I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I love them, its just not possible. But nobody pisses me off more than they do. And on a regular basis, too.

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THIS! I have 4 kids. 19, 16, 11 and 6, and it does get better the older they get. Hang in there!

I can certainly relate. I have a 7 and 2 year old. There are some days where all I hear is "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad....." This is usually when I demand to be called "Pedro" just for some variety. 3 months and 24 months is tough. As some of the guys mentioned it does get a lot better. When my son was 2-3 he would watch the "Wiggles" and "Thomas the Train" on a continuos loop- I still have the nightmares... As they get older you'll begin to relate to each other more and have more fun. Especially when they watch cartoons with not-so-obvious adult themes. And while the can be a monstrous pain in the a$$ it's awesome to see them grow up and accomplish things.

I have a 2 year old and am expecting number 2 in November. I definitely have times where it would be great to have things they used to be pre-kids, but then the boy stays the night as my parents house and the next day, I couldn't be happier to have him back. I'm anxious/excited/scared to have number two come along, but just keep thinking how much fun number 1 has been and how I would have never wanted to be an only child and am glad my kids will have a sibling to rely on through life. I love that my son is now at the age where he can play and for the most part entertain himself a lot and am nervous to start over again with a newborn. I am trying to except that personal time is done for a while. It was a big deal for me or my wife to watch the boy while the other had quiet personal time, but with number 2 coming, I think that will be much more difficult for the next 1-2 years.
Hang in there.

I have two. Both boys. One 4 years old and one will be 2 next January. Barely out of diapers, my wife is already talking about a third. She is thrilled to have 2 boys but really does want a girl, which will eventually translate into 2 girls so that the one has a familiar "peer" to connect with.

So, yeah, at the least I anticipate 4 children.

As to the emotional factor, meh, it's up and down. I do miss my wife as we only rarely get a glimpse of time with each other and when we do all I want is to make minkey sounds and all she wants to do is watch Bridezilla. I do miss my free time as, like said before, it's a full time job just with one. Just about the only "free time" available these days is at naps or after they have gone to bed for the night. And that time is usually spent recharging my own battery or, preparing for the next 24 hour block of carnage.

But, I wouldn't be the same without my sons and I would rather be here than without them. Having children has allowed me to be a child again myself and has caused me to take better care of myself. Outside of that, they are just plain fun.

That is until the 4 year old lands Optimus Prime on top of the 1 year olds head in a return to the ruins of Cybertron.

When my wife was pregnant with our second (and last), a friend with 4 kids told me something I wasn't sure I should believe. He said the second child isn't twice the work, it's 4X the work. He couldn't have been more correct. But he did say that the third isn't any more work. I guess you're so overwhelmed, you don't even notice...

Daughter is 7 and son is turning 5 next month. It gets better, slowly.

The wife and I started doing something my parent used to do when I was young (I'm youngest of 3)...Go on solo R&R (rest and relaxation) trips for sanity purposes. I took a week off work to watch the kids so my wife could go hang out with friends in the city and try to find her sanity again. It worked. I went to California to visit family and go the the MLB all star game last month. I came back ready for anything the kids could throw at me.

Hang in there.