*sigh* Divorce advice please?

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cheezydemon3

cheezydemon3

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HI!

3 kids 4, 7, 9 g,g,b.

I am sure I am ass in some ways, but I don't abuse my kids.

Last 4 months, SWIECDWO (SW I evidently CAN do w/out) Has contacted child protective services twice.

First time I bumped into my 4 year old as he sat on a stool and he fell off. Not even a bruise.

Second time, same rambunctious 4 year old leaps onto me as I sit on the floor (literally a flying leap) he loses his grip on my neck and bumps his head on the coffee table. Some tears, a bruise, but I did NOT do anything that time. Sorry I wasn't Superman and catch him out of midair before I even know what is happening.

Long story......somewhat shorter, Cop showed up Saturday as I am making eggs just the way she likes them.

Total shock.

I have to leave the house with what I can gather in a shocked 10 minutes.

NO Contact. (epo is this little thing that probably saves lives in some situations, but is a guaranteed life screwer in my case)

Court today, SWhatever won't even look at me. Her attorney says divorce and that I can't even see my kids without supervision.

My attorney says take it.

WTF?????????

Anyone been through this?
 
I got no advice, but I wish you all the luck in the world getting this taken care of. If it were me, I'd be looking at a different attorney who at least wants to fight for you.
 
While I can feel your pain and confusion, please be aware that in any incident or relationship there are multiple sides to the story. You have shared with us your view and it appears to me you have been misunderstood. However, your wife has an equally valid (I don't say correct) point of view with her story. Someone else watching all this would have yet another take. My suggestion is to take some time and reflect on your wife's take on all this. Try to see it all from her eyes. I am not saying she is "right" nor am I saying you are. That is not the issue. think about it. If you can understand and see things from her point, then you may be better equipped to deal with the greater issue of remaining a father to your children.
Tough to give advice online. But try another lawyer, and see a counselor as well.
PM if you need more. In real life, I deal with these issues as a minister.
 
My best advice to you would be to do a search for an attorney in your area that specializes in father's rights and spare no expense to make sure that you are part of your children's life through this terrible time, and then beyond into the future. This can be a long, slow process and your kids need to know it's not their fault that their mommy and daddy are getting divorced. Try and be civil with your wife through this, as much as it depends on you. Then remember that after the divorce is finalized that your wife is no longer your wife, but rather, the mother of your children. Not being able to let go will only cause stress and strife for every one.

The next best piece of advice I can give you is to NEVER say anything about this here or on any other public forum again, as every word you type can be used against you in court. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. My best to you and yours through this very difficult time. Keep your head up and you'll come out on the other side just fine. God Bless!
 
Both of the responses above are valid. Sit still and watch, but add no other info.

I deal with Child Protective Services everyday. They HATE this ****. They don't like anything bogus...they've got too many methhead parents to deal with as it is.

DO THIS: Offer to do anything that they suggest...WITHOUT admitting wrongdoing. Show that you are willing to take any resources that they can offer to make you a better parent. Do anger managment if they say to. Do parenting classes if they say to. Not a big deal and you might learn stuff. DON'T be defensive and fight every step.

Tell them that you are willing to do whatever will make you a better Dad. Nobody's perfect. Be open and willing to learn, but WITHOUT admitting wrongdoing. That works well, I assure you.

Focus on your relationship with the kids and separate your grief about the spouse COMPLETLY. It is gone. You will have grief. Put it in a box and deal with it in segments, with a therapist. Say nothing about your soon-to-be ex to your kiddos. They don't need it and won't understand it.

CPS does NOT want to take your kids or really even be involved. Give them every reason to get the case closed. They've got FAR too much real stuff to deal with (see methhead parents referenced above).
 
I have a close friend that recently was charged with a pretty serious crime, the kind that can get you multiple years in prison. He didn't have much of a case, so he took a plea deal. His sentencing hearing is actually next month and he will be going to jail. The recommended sentence is 3-5 years. In the time between his plea deal and the sentencing, he has been doing everything the court has asked of him in an effort to hopefully be sentenced to the lesser amount. This includes taking a polygraph. Not to prove his innocence(as I said, he admitted his guilt), but instead to show that he had not had any other previous incidents of the same nature. The point was to show that he made a one time mistake. I would definitely suggest getting a lawyer who will fight for you, and suggest to him/her that maybe you can take a polygraph to show that you have never been abusive to your children. I'm not sure if criminal court and family court work the same way in this regard, but it's worth a shot.
 
Tough situation man, I don't see what it has to do with iron maiden though. Good luck through all this. Looks like a few good suggestions already.
 
Thanks to all of you.

In being brief, maybe I said too little. The attorney is good, he felt that if we fought it I muight get no visitation. But I will take the advice here and say no more!

FWIW, watching Bad Teacher (unrated) is making me laugh harder than I would have thought possible.
 
If shes the one making things up she will prolly burn her own bridges. if what you said is true that your a good father and she pulled this, I find this behavior patternable she will keep trying to pull off stuff and itll catch up to her.
Just remeber that people become chemically out of balance that makes them do stupid stuff.
Theres also the Failure spiral where when you see your self failing you continue making quick/ poor decisions
So if you just do everything you can too the book. Theres a good chance this will come out for the best for you and your kids
 
Bedlam said:
Both of the responses above are valid. Sit still and watch, but add no other info.

I deal with Child Protective Services everyday. They HATE this ****. They don't like anything bogus...they've got too many methhead parents to deal with as it is.

DO THIS: Offer to do anything that they suggest...WITHOUT admitting wrongdoing. Show that you are willing to take any resources that they can offer to make you a better parent. Do anger managment if they say to. Do parenting classes if they say to. Not a big deal and you might learn stuff. DON'T be defensive and fight every step.

Tell them that you are willing to do whatever will make you a better Dad. Nobody's perfect. Be open and willing to learn, but WITHOUT admitting wrongdoing. That works well, I assure you.

Focus on your relationship with the kids and separate your grief about the spouse COMPLETLY. It is gone. You will have grief. Put it in a box and deal with it in segments, with a therapist. Say nothing about your soon-to-be ex to your kiddos. They don't need it and won't understand it.

CPS does NOT want to take your kids or really even be involved. Give them every reason to get the case closed. They've got FAR too much real stuff to deal with (see methhead parents referenced above).
Click to expand...

This.
 
There's something you aren't telling us, and you shouldn't. This site is public and you are involved in an ongoing court dispute that will affect your life and future.

If I were you i would kill this thread, come to terms with whatever it is you are not disclosing to the forum, and either trust your attorney or consult another one.

Don't take this as an attack, this LE professional has been on both sides and in between.
 
nukinfuts29 said:
There's something you aren't telling us, and you shouldn't. This site is public and you are involved in an ongoing court dispute that will affect your life and future.

If I were you i would kill this thread, come to terms with whatever it is you are not disclosing to the forum, and either trust your attorney or consult another one.

Don't take this as an attack, this LE professional has been on both sides and in between.
Click to expand...

Agreed. Unless you're cool with the discussion showing up in court/police files, don't have it online. I assume your ex knows your online persona?
 
nukinfuts29 said:
There's something you aren't telling us, and you shouldn't. This site is public and you are involved in an ongoing court dispute that will affect your life and future.
If I were you i would kill this thread, come to terms with whatever it is you are not disclosing to the forum, and either trust your attorney or consult another one.
Don't take this as an attack, this LE professional has been on both sides and in between.
Click to expand...

+1, your wife probably didn't turn into a crazy ***** overnight. You need to look deep at the source of her anger. Does she think you drink too much (whether or not you agree)? Is there something else going on, that she has grown so frustrated with you? As stated above, you shouldn't answer these questions here, but you'll want to know the answer before it's too late.

A good friend of ours lost custody of her kids in a divorce, mostly because she was afraid her drinking problem would cause her to lose visitation too. So she let her attorney settle instead of attacking the real issue.

I'm not trying to be a prick, and I may be entirely wrong about the possible issues (based on your posts I've read, you seem like a great guy). But there is definitely more to this than you've said.
 
Even though you and I disagree on the great lump charcoal debate :)mug:), this is one thing I can speak of with some experience, and while I believe this :
JohnTheBrewist said:
...there is definitely more to this than you've said.
Click to expand...
, here is my $.02...

Whatever you do, do not involve the children... Do not bad mouth, defame, speak ill of, or talk bad about their mother, to them in any way, shape or form...

No matter what happens concerning your legal wranglings with her, you are still their father and she is still their mother...

Growing up in a divorced home since I was 5, including multiple step-parents (2 on both side of the ordeal), my parents never spoke ill of each other until I was of, what I consider, an appropriate age (think 21+)...

This let me consider all of the factors involved in their split without going through the adolescent or pubescent thought processes...

I would like to think that I was adult enough at this point to figure out that they were both not happy, and staying together would have been a disservice to me and my sisters...

That being said, good luck... I hope the best for you...
 
With all due respect, there's obviously more to this story. My wife and I went to a restaurant tonight and my daughter decided to take off towards another table. I grabbed her arm and she fell, bumping her head pretty hard. My wife was a little mad, but wouldn't think for one second about calling anyone unless I legitimately started kicking their asses. So obviously there's something else going on.

Good luck. I went through a divorce that got so bad, she convinced the cops to investigate my homebrewing! It sucks, but you'll get through it as long as you haven't done anything "wrong".
 
Duckfoot said:
Whatever you do, do not involve the children... Do not bad mouth, defame, speak ill of, or talk bad about their mother, to them in any way, shape or form...

No matter what happens concerning your legal wranglings with her, you are still their father and she is still their mother...
Click to expand...

This.

Divorce can bring out the worst in the best of people, and I know how low it can take you before you even realize it. Don't let anger or vengeance come before your love for your kids.
 
I would check the laws in your state, then if allowed, record every meeting between you and your kids, and you and her. In my state, any recording is allowed provided at least one of the conversing parties knows about it.
Why record? Because at the barest positive thing, it takes at least part of the danger of the ambiguity of memory out of the equation. The kids say something nasty, you have proof it wasn't you that put that idea into their heads. Maybe you even luck out and she admits she made false reports and there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe you listen to the recordings later and find out you are most of the problem. Anything is possible.
Record if you are allowed to by law, and do not erase or lose any of the recordings. It's your protection, and if nothing else, you will always have the recordings of your time with your kids to listen to when your kids are long grown up.
 
What bedlam said. My wife was a social services case manager for many years. They hate the truly bogus stuff.
 
Cheezy, I'm sort of in the same boat. But, her and I don't have kids, so I guess it's not the same boat. Maybe the same body of water? Anyway, PM me if you need to talk. I know what your going through. This is my second (and last) time.

And, for Christ's sake, don't discuss this publicly.
 
Since you have counsel, the best person you should direct these questions to is your attorney. If you don't trust your attorney or understand what you are advised to do/what the attorney is doing, you need to ask questions to understand. If you have lost confidence in your counsel then consider talking to others.

It's a tough situation to be in and it's hard not to want to reach out to people but there's a fine line between accepting other people's emotional support and accepting their advice. Other people may have contact with the divorce process, family courts, or even have been through a divorce, but none of them are in your exact situation with your spouse, your kids, your attorneys, your judge and your particular facts. Following random homebrewers' (no offense, ppl) advice may make your situation much worse.

Also, I agree you should either stop detailing anything about the situation online or take down the thread entirely.
 
You have been set up. Deal with it the best you can. Be sure to get visitation with your kids, even if it is supervised. Start carrying a tape recorder when around the EX. Keep up good relations with your children, stay current on your court ordered support, and move on!

Too bad you couldn't have files first.
 
BTW folks, I dug up a 6 month old thread. I was actually searching for another thread that I read a couple years ago about divorce, since I am now going through my own. I stumbled onto this one, read through it, and then stupidly posted in it (I've had a few homebrews before reading this thread).

Advise to Cheezy, take the thread down if you can. And PM me if you need the company of another guy going through divorce.
 
OK my ex did this to me six times, plus no contact orders. I didn’t see my kids for over a year one time. All I can tell you is document EVERYTHING. Get a pad of paper and keep it with you at all times, if you are like me my mind will think about the topic and I need to write stuff down, you will find this really usefully down the road. Look into your state laws and see if you can record phone conversations. Here in Iowa if one person knows that a phone call is being recorded you can use it in court. If she makes any other false allocation in any form, at least the law enforcement officers or protective services can listen to the tapes. This can help discredit her in court if these people are called to testify at time of custody. It sounds weird but a happy ex is better than a happy wife because they can screw you left and right, try hard to explain to her that it is not good for the kids, they are old enough to remember this problem. Even though she may not think that way right now, but when the kids turn 13-16 years old they will look back and might have adverse feeling toward the parent that cased the most problems, children figure that out real quick.
 

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