Let's create a pantheon of Beer Gods

Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum

Help Support Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
Joined
Apr 13, 2006
Messages
13,304
Reaction score
163
Location
Phoenix
I'm not talking about Palmer, Papazian or Jackson.
Nor Ninkasi, St Arnold or any of that.

Lets make up a pantheon in the Roman or Greek tradition or maybe like the Chinese mythology where there are thousands of minor gods such as the Kitchen God.

Gods can be good or bad or neutral.
There can be mythical creatures, places or artifacts.


I'll start out with a minor deity:

Finingus/Coagulus
The god of fining and clarity.

Finingus, also known as Coagulus dispatches his "agents" Zinglass, Karagon, Benton, and Jeladin.
Finingushas no earthly form.

His "agents" may appear as seaweed, fish bladders or other strange organic forms.

Though most people pray to Finingus for clear beer, wine or spirits; others have reported assistance with clarifying a recipe or portending a good omen.
 
L upulinius, the God of Aggression and Bittering. He is also the God of Great Overseas Voyages, protecting liquid cargo from spoilage. He has been defeated in battle by his arch-enemy, Skunkybierimus.
 
Septicimius -- Is the natural agent of beer death. Those brews not properly housed or made are the first to become 'consumed' by his likeness.

There have been reports of several small cults that worship Septicimius through ritual bathing in uncontaminated ales and then consuming the ale afterwards.
 
Cohumulonus - generally female in form, godess of balance and depth.

Frequent offerings of dead brain cells are made to Cohumulonus by those brewing
big beers that need to age for lengthy periods.

Extravagant offereings are made to her by those brewing in Belgian styles that require Cohumulonus not be accompanied by her husband L upulinius
 
The Groloschanog twins the elisive and oft imitated gods of containment, transport and simplicity. Has two aspects: one of light and one of dark.

Fliptopomous -- a race of demigods who worship and frequently speak for the tiwns. Come in an array of colors and sizes.
 
Stainlessoraluminumius

God of debate, argument and discord. Many wars have been fought in his name. Brother of Stolenkegius.
 
Carbonious understood only in spirit form, only found under pressure. Sometimes takes the form of tiny bubbles, other times observed as a small could of vapor. Sometimes completely unseen and only heard as "Pfffft".

A generally ambivalent sprit happy to take up residence in any decent brew.


Sometimes also a sign of Septicimius, esp in greater than desired amounts.
 
GastroApfelweinius - Followed my millions world wide. Evidence of his existence can be found in empty pallets of apple juice and poached cases of wine yeast. To prove ones worthiness to worship GastroApfelweinius one must first imbibe completely too much and wake up screaming EdWorts name in vein, then must survive the initial onslaught of odors produced after consumption.
 
Gotadumpita - Evil goddess of plagues, contamination and spoilage. She's extremely cruel, attacking works of craftsmanship, art or children. The more one loves a thing, the better a target for her vileness.

Edit: How'd I miss sTango's post? :(
 
Saccharomyces cerevisiae (it's already latin) - One of the 4 elder gods of the Reinheitsgebotius times.
 
The Sirens of n00bulus
Perched on their page in the seas of the intarnets they call out to the well intentioned beer lover or their loved ones hear the call and that someone gets beached on this:

img-main-122107.jpg


aka: Mr. Beer
 
Secondarius - the great deceiver. Causes the inexperienced to feel they have achieved "something good and important", when in fact only a portal for Septicimius has been opened.
 
N00bulus Minor: Little brother to N00bulus Major. Begs for direction while demanding approval to run before crawling. Wanders the universe looking for the optimum size for a blow-off tube without using the search function when all they really need to do is click their heels together three times and say "there's no place for foam, there's no place for foam". Annoying little sh*t. Asks "why" a lot. Their brewing destiny remains unknown to many.
 
kornkob said:
Fliptopomous -- a race of demigods who worship and frequently speak for the tiwns. Come in an array of colors and sizes.

often confused for Fliptopornus, whose worship need to remain secret... to the great upset of goddesses.
 
Ephesius Fitzgeraldus - the illegitimate half cousin of Fliptopornus who only comes out to play when the Goddesses are drunk and Fliptopornus is not around.
 
Hellgelbes - The ball less, hop less, hopeless godlet of macrolager.

Arch-enemy: Hobgoblin
 
The Isle of IBU - A place where many a homebrewer ventures and some spend too much time. There are two major cities on the Isle: maltyloveran and hopheadimus. Maltyloveran is a smaller town with a population of 10 - 25, while hopheadimus has grown to a population well over 100. Some argue that it is too difficult to calculate the growth of hopheadiums and claim that it cannot support a population over 100.
 
Postulus: The god of forum communication, who shares wisdom with all. Continuously being seduced by the goddess Postwhorulus.

Elitusrectumusvaginum: A major beer god, whose experience and wisdom regarding beer are revered by many, but who sometimes lacks the abilty to communicate with the worshipers of the n00bulus gods causing animosity and the denial/fear of the god Postulus.
 
Cascenteninookumbus - The god of the west coast. Everything this god touches ends up with a slight citrus taste and aroma. Spending too much time around this god will make you taste like grapefruit.
 
Refractus Gravitus, the love child of Hydrometa and a young IBUan metalsmith.
Also called the Great Oracle by the tribes of the West, forteller of glorious victories or wretched calamity
 
n00bulus, home constellation of all hobbyists.

Common home suns or stars are traditionalus, modernisius and whacko.

Several home planets for each sun, beware of anyone from "way out" in any solar system, but especially those from the "far out" planets of the star whacko.

Be also ever vigilant for employees of the government of the solar system of whacko. They are generally known as "whack jobs" and are immune to the laws of physics, exempt from traffic regulation and smarter than anyone else on every planet they visit. Thankfully very few of them stick with homebrewing.
 
Poindexter said:
n00bulus, home constellation of all hobbyists...beware of anyone from "way out" in any solar system...Be also ever vigilant for employees of the government of the solar system of whacko. They are generally known as "whack jobs" and are immune to the laws of physics, exempt from traffic regulation and smarter than anyone else on every planet they visit. Thankfully very few of them stick with homebrewing.
(AHEM....33+ years Gov't service here...;) :D )
 
EAC Extraordinarius All knowing and somewhat condescending god of fermentables snobbery. Occasionally takes delight at thumbing nose at N00bulus Major and Minor. Essentially what N00bulous Major and Minor strive to be someday.
 
SWMBOTU EXBREWTAE The goddess of all things not related to brewing. She is the beginner of all wars between those who would brew and the activities standing in their way. Half sister of honeydolistus the goddess designer and scheduler of all such activities.
 
Attenuatios - The all consuming god of fermentation.

Lautertunious - The mythical vessel in which the fermentable dieties are washed free of their chains that bind them.

 
Best. Thread. Ever. This is awesome!!!!!

A few more:

Isomerizosseus: Referred to as a "bitter" enemy to some, yet others are not as affected. Thrives in prolonged periods of heat, making it a formidable opponent.


Celiacusses: Ancient slayer of gluten eating populus. Has also been known to wreak havoc with Brewthirstus. Not entirely dominant, once defeated by lordimus Brewpastor, circa 2007 A.D.
 
There are rumors that if you cut the head off the Hydrometa, two more are purchased in its place :cross:

Hordeum vulgare: the lord god and basis of all brewing mythology. In the early days of time, before all other gods, him and the god of water, Aquafina, and Saccharomyces cerevisiae would work their dark magicks. Without him, the earth and heavens would be a drab, dull, and wretched place.
 
Gravitas, god of fermentables.

He has sired two sons:

Gravitas Maximus (by way of his love for the goddess Imperia), a mighty warrior who can strike down unsuspecting imbibers with a single dose of his wicked potion.

Gravitas Minimus (the result of Gravitas frequent dalliances with Imperia's sister Sessia) -- a light, nimble warrior who lulls imbibers to defeat with repeated small attacks.
 
Sphinctersanitatious Locked in a constant battle with his brother Septicimius -- to preserve freshness, Followers of Sphinctersanitatious worship at the alter of Starsanious the son of Sphinctersanitatious in their eternal struggle against Septicimius

AHEM....33+ years Gov't service here
That explains much, we will type slower to make threads easier for you to read:D
 
budbo said:
That explains much, we will type slower to make threads easier for you to read:D
D O H ! ! ! :eek: :D :mug:


Reinheitsgebotus – The Father of All Brewing Laws. His teachings enable his strictest followers to speak in tongues throughout the known Bruniverse. The Law is forever. Long live the Law.


However, he has no control over the race of creatures known as the Mumblers and the Staggerers. They have no written language. Their ramblings are incoherent even at a high volumes except to a few Chosen Ones. Beware of them after dark. They usually travel alone and urinate on themselves quite frequently.
 
Back
Top