Yep

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.



As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.



The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"



The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."



So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."



The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.



Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"



The cowboy says, "No, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."



The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.



After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

That's good ! I'll use that one on one of my horse boarders.

I thought it would eventually get back to that animal thing again. Let it go Sudsmonkey let it go...BTW, your turn to pick up the tab. Looks like the Gorilla is bartending tonight. Sorry Man!

Damn Gorilla !!! One little indiscretion, and you can never live it down. Yeah, I got the tab. Glad you could make it.

Forgetaboutit! OK here's one

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,
"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."



Moral of the Story: Women are clever. Don't Mess with them.

Wise words. At about age ten, they realize that they're smarter than us and use it against us for the rest of our lives. Not to get religious, fill in the blanks with Vishnu and Mahindra, if you like....


One day, in the Garden of Eden, Adam was talking to God. " Lord," he says, " I love this woman you've given me, but I have a few questions about her. Why did you make her look so good?" " So that you'd like her, Adam." the Lord replied. " And why did you make her smell so good ?", Adam asked. " So that you'd like her. " the Lord replied. " But Lord, tell me, why did you make her soooooo stupid ?" There was a pause, and the Lord replied, " So that SHE'D like YOU, Adam! ".
Sunday school joke.

here is why.......

Just blew beer all up in my faceshield ! Love the picture. That's pretty typical of all of us. It's always funny, no matter where you are. Why DO women put up with us ? Maybe it's the Can Lift Heavy Things part.

I really think so!

Since I'm on a roll......

Funny as hell ! You got more ?

Yep.............................................

And.........................................................

I have all those pictures and more. Great stuff.

OK. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face"?

A pair of jumping cables walk into a bar. The bartender say "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"!

A slice of bacon and an egg walk in to a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve breakfast in here"!

Can't remember where I got them...

Boudreaux and Thibideaux were sitting having a beer after work.
Boudreaux says, "Hey, if you were out of town on a fishing trip, and I went over to your house and screwed your wife and got her pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Thibideaux says, "No, but it WOULD make us even..."

OK this is a long read but bear with me.

Three deer hunters got together every year on opening week to camp and hunt. Except for ole Charlie of course. He just went to get away from the wife and stay

Well last year was just like any other and they all traveled to the dear lease on Friday evening for the Saturday opener. They went about setting up camp and before they even got the fire going one of them asks, "Where's Charlie?"

"Check the tent replied the other." Sure enough Charlie is passed out cold in the tent, empty burbon bottle next to his side.

O'dark thirty Saturday morning all three are headed out including Charlie. One of them says, "Hey first one of you sees a nice fat doe, shoot her and we'll have camp meat for the week. Once we hear the shot, everyone will know we've got the meat." All agreed and headed out their seperate ways.

About 10:00 in the morning, the other two made it back to the camp both having heard the shot earlier that morning. Sure enough, there's doe layed out in camp, not field dressed and laying out in the sun but Charlie's not to be found. "Check the tent!" one of them said. Sure enough, Charlie's passed out another empty burbon bottle by his side.

On of the other two goes to complaining, "I'm sick and tired of this, he never does any work, he just stay's drunk......." on and on with his rant. The third fellow just smiles and says, "Let's fix him up good!"

So these two sober fellows evicerate (gut) this deer and take the entrals into the tent and stuff them down the pack of Charlie's pants while he's sleeping.

Round about 2:00 pm, they're sitting around the fire snickering about what they'd done when the here some stiring in the tent. Then they here a holler "Oh my God!" then a crash and some more stiring. By this time the two outside can hardly contain themselves Charlie's in the tent for quite a while longer when he sticks his head out the flap.

White as a sheet, sweat pouring off his forehead, he emerges, hands shaking uncontrollably saying, "Lordy, Lordy, Lordy." The others asked holding back their smiles "Charlie, you alright? You don't look so good."

Charlie replies walking toward them rather awkardly, "Well Fellas, I'll tell ya, While I was asleep, my hemroids came down on me but by the grace of God and a forked stick, I got them back up.

Gorilla walks into a bar.

"I'll have a pint of your best bitter please my good man" requests the Gorilla.

Barman (slightly shocked by the sight of a 330lb Primate asking for a beer) thinks for a moment and pulls him the pint. Nervously he puts it in front of him.

"Thats £3.00 please" asks the barman.

Gorilla pays him and sits quietly drinking his pint. Ten minutes later the Gorilla catches the Barman's eye and asks for another pint. Now a little more comfortable in his presence the Barman decides to engage in some conversation,

"We don't get many Gorillas in here" as he pours the second drink.

"Not Surprised at £3.00 a f*cKing pint" replies the Gorilla.....

homebrewer_99 said:

I have all those pictures and more. Great stuff.

Click to expand...

Go ahead and post a few HB99.

I'm not a paying customer so I don't have the ability to post pics, etc. Sorry...

That's too bad. I really liked the one with the gorilla !

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. The man orders a pint and his monkey sits quietly on the stool beside him, eating pretzels out of a bowl.

The bartender complains about the beast, but the man promises to pay for anything the monkey eats. No sooner does the man say this when the monkey leaps onto the billiard table next to the bar and swallows the 8 ball.

The bartender is furious, but the man pays him enough to buy a whole new set of billiard balls, so the bartender is satisfied.

When the man finishes his pint, he and the monkey leave the bar.

A couple weeks later the man comes back into the bar with the monkey and orders a pint. The monkey sits on the stool beside him and grabs a bowl of peanuts off the bar.

The monkey stands up and shoves a peanut straight up his A$$. The bartender stares with shocked look as the monkey then pulls the peanut back out of his A$$ and EATS IT!

"That's disgusting!" shouts the bartender. "Why the hell did he do that?!"

Tha man sips his beer and replies, "Ever since he ate that 8-ball, he measures everthing now before he swallows it."

-walker

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Sam75 said:

Click to expand...

OMFG.....LMAO!!!!!!