Beer jokes

I'll start with one of my favorites. No offense intended to the Irish.


An Irishman left the local pub and was making his way unsteadily home when he decided to take a shortcut and got lost.

He went to have a seat on a rock and figure out where he went wrong. As he sat he heard a squeak from the rock.

"Get off me you lout!" Shouted a leprechaun who had been napping on the rock.

Though in a drunken stupor the Irishman knew he had the leprechaun where he wanted him.

"Not until you grant me my wishes." said the Irishman.

"Get off me and I'll grant you the customary three wishes." Gasped the leprechaun.

Once freed, the leprechaun paced back and forth while the Irishman sat on the rock and pondered his wishes.

"Come on, come on. I don't have all night." Said the leprechaun.

"I'm too thirsty to think straight." Said the Irishman. "Make my first wish an nice cool pint of beer."

Poof, in his hand appeared a pint of beer.

"Come on, come on. What are your other two wishes?" Prodded the leprechaun.

"Just let me finish my beer and I'll tell you what the other two wishes are." Said the Irishman while sipping his beer.

"You'll never finish it. It's a magical beer. As soon as you empty it, it'll refill itself." Said the leprechaun.

The Irishman proceeded to drain the pint, but as soon as he brought it away from his lips, it was full again. Astonished, he once again drained the pint only to have it full again instantly.

"There, are you satisfied? Now, what are your other two wishes?" Asked the leprechaun.

Smiling, the Irishman said "I'll just have two more of these please."



Another obligatory joke....

How is Coors Light like making love in a canoe?
****ing close to water.


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Share your favorite beer jokes here.

No one else has a beer joke? Seriously?


A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"

Another one.

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Ok I guess I'll have to be the idiot that does it....

The best beer joke ever....










Wait.......













Wait......

how is drinking Bud Light, Miller Light, or Coors Light, like making love in a canew....... There both F@$king close to water!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I’m from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I!"

"Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Did a quick google search and came across this. I think its pretty funny


Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

A few Scottish ones for you.

A Scotsman on his way home from the pub had a wee to much too much to drink. So he laid himself down on a park bench to sleep it off. Along came a lady and saw him sleeping there, and she decided to play a joke on him. She took the red ribbon from her hair, lifted his kilt and tied it around his member.
When he awoke the next morning, he stumbled over to the nearest bush, lifted his kilt to take a leak and looked down.
"Ach, laddie I dinnae know where ye've been, but I see ya won first prize."

A drunk Scotsman was sitting in a park watching tourists wandering about. A lady from the US came over and asked if it was true that Scotsman don't wear anything under their kilts.
He replied, "Why don't you reach up and find out missus."
She reached up his kilt and quickly removed it shrieking, "Grewsome!"
"Aye, lass and if ye'd put your hand back up it'd grew some more."

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He takes them over to a table alone, and drinks them together taking a sip from the first, a sip from the second, and a sip from the third until they're gone.

He does this each day, until one day the bartender says "you know, you can order them one at a time and they won't get flat".

The man says, "thanks, but I have two brothers Paddy and Sean who've gone off to find their fortunes in America. We swore that we'd always drink together, even when we're apart."

The bartender finds that touching and so the routine continues for months, until one day the man comes in and orders only 2 pints and sits down drinking a sip from one and the a sip from the other. The bartender is saddened at the sight, and after a minute he asks if it's Paddy or Sean who's gone to meet his maker.

The man looks confused for a minute, and then says, "oh, no, they're both fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."

A woman walks in to the bar at the top of her hotel hoping to find someone to talk to. Finding only one patron there, she sits down and asks what he's drinking. He turns to her and says, "It's a magic beer!"

Thinking he's crazy, she does a lap around the bar but there's nobody else in there so finally she sits down next to him again and says, "Okay, I'll bite. What's magic about it?"

The man takes a sip of the beer, gets up, jumps out the window, flies around the building, and flies back in to his stool. The woman is amazed, and asks him to do it again. So he does: a sip of beer, then jumps up, flies around the building, and back to his stool.

The woman thinks that's amazing, so turns to the bartender and says, "I'll take the same thing he's drinking." The bartender pours her a pint, she takes a sip, and leaps out the window falling 10 stories to her death.

The bartender turns to the man at the bar and says, "Superman, you can be a real $%#hole when you've been drinking."

Why are 90% of the beer jokes about Irishmen?

PhlyanPan said:

Why are 90% of the beer jokes about Irishmen?

Click to expand...

I know! Its like there is some stereotype that Irish like to drink. I don't know where they would ever get that idea, though

PhlyanPan said:

Why are 90% of the beer jokes about Irishmen?

Click to expand...

Why do you have no punchline for that awesome setup?

deathweed said:

Why do you have no punchline for that awesome setup?

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Cause it wasn't a setup....just an observation

How about this...come up with a punchline of your own for that setup: "Why are 90% of the beer jokes about Irishmen?"


Mine is the obvious: "because 90% of the beer in the world is consumed by Irishmen!"

couplebeers said:

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I’m from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I!"

"Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

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John McCain said this joke on his campaign trail.....

PhlyanPan said:

Why are 90% of the beer jokes about Irishmen?

Click to expand...

Why are 10% of the beer jokes not?

With that being said
Whats the differance between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
....One less drunk.

3 mice are sitting at a bar boasting how tough each are...

First mouse says "when I see a trap, I trip it & do 10 bench presses before running off with the cheese."

Second mouse says "when I see rat poison, I grind it up in my coffee to have a nice buzz going all day."

Third mouse puts down his beer & says "I ain't got time for you jokers, I'm gonna head home and @#ck the cat..."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?".





yeahhhhh, that's all I got

Two drunks are leaving the bar when they see a dog outside licking his nuts. The first drunk said, "Man, I wish I could do that." The second drunk replied, "well, you can try, but he might bite you!"

i especially like the one about arthur guinness - golden!

Two guys are at the bar atop the empire state building throwing back some brew when one looks at the other and says "bet you I can jump off that balcony, and the wind current between the buildings will pick me up and set me on the 32 floor balcony unharmed". The other man says "prove it", so the first man walks over to the balcony, jumps off, reachs the 32 floor and sure enough, wind current picks him up and sets him down on the balcony below. The man takes the elevator back to the bar, looks at the second man and said "told ya". So the second man, walks over to the edge and jumps. He goes flying down, past the 32 floor, until he slaps the ground dead. The bartender walks up behind the first man, watching from the edge and says "superman, you can be a real @$$hole when your drunk!"

SumnerH said:

The bartender turns to the man at the bar and says, "Superman, you can be a real $%#hole when you've been drinking."

Click to expand...

Runyank said:

"superman, you can be a real @$$hole when your drunk!"

Click to expand...

Different paths to the same punchline. :rockin:

PhlyanPan said:

Why are 90% of the beer jokes about Irishmen?

Click to expand...

...because the other 10% are alcoholics...


Funniest Irish joke EVER...and Irishman WALKS out of a bar....(we usually stumble...)

…were sitting in a bar.

After taking a sip from his martini, the Doctor says, “Well, as you know, today is my anniversary and I gave my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. I figured if she didn’t like the ring, she’d like the Mercedes and then she’d know I love her.
The Lawyer, after finishing off his scotch says, “Last year for our anniversary, I gave my wife a peril necklace and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured that if she didn’t like the necklace, she’d like the trip and then she’d know I love her.
The Biker takes a big gulp of his beer and said, “I gave my wife a T-shirt and a dildo. I figured if she didn’t like the T-shirt, she can go F#@k herself!

A neutron walks into a bar. It orders a beer and asks the bartender how much. "For you," he says "no charge."

Three drunks walk into a bar........





the forth one ducked.

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender. Give me 12 glasses of beer. The bartender gives him a strange look but places 12 full glasses of beer if front of the man. Without another word the man downs all 12. The bartender says wow that was impressive, but why all 12 that quickly? The Man tells him he is celebrateing his first blowjob. The bartender says good for you i'll buy you another. The man says no thanks if 12 doesn't wash the tase out of my mouth 13 aint gonna do it.

(I know it's sick, but it's funny)

resurrecting this thread

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a woman at the back of the bar raises her hand. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were sitting at a table in a pub having pints when a barfly landed in the Englishman's beer.

"Ugh! How revolting!" he says, and goes to the bar to order another beer.

Awhile later, a barfly lands in the Scot's beer.

"Bah! Blarst it!" he says. Being the thrifty Scotsman, he quickly remove the fly and flicks it away and continues drinking his beer.

After awhile, a barfly lands in the Irishman's pint. The Irishman turns beet red as he looks at the fly in his beer. Reaching in, he grabs the fly by the back end, hold it over the glass, and yells, "Spit it oot ya little thief, spit it oot!"

A man walks into a piano bar and orders a tall, cool draft. The piano player's monkey saunters down the bar and noisily urinates into the man's beer. Outraged, he stands up and yells at the piano player, "Hey! You know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" "No", replied the piano player, "but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it".


After a pint too many, Joe notices a large glass jug stuffed with 20 dollar bills over the bar.

"Whaz that for?" he slurs to the bartender.

"Joe", the bartender says,"That's a standing bet you want no part of".

"Whad'ya mean by that?", asks Joe, insulted.

"Well", replies the bartender, now amused, "Every man taking the bet puts in a twenty. The first to complete 3 tasks gets the jug. First, see our bouncer, Butch? He's a 3-time MMA heavyweight champ. You gotta take him out front and beat him. Second, out back, we have a 20-foot gator with a bad tooth and a terrible disposition. You have to take the pliers on his cage and pull that bad tooth. Last, but certainly not least, upstairs is one-eyed Mary the worlds oldest whore. She hasn't an orgasm in 50 years. Make her cum and you've won the bet".

Joe growls, "Line me up 5 shots of rotgut".

He downs all 5 shots, puts 20 in the jar, hikes up his britches and heads for the bouncer, blood in his eye. They step outside. There are a series of dull thuds, oofs and a plop. Joe comes back, reeling a bit more and says, "one down".

He staggers through the back door to the gator pen. Patrons hear the sound of screaming and tearing, the sound of a massive tail thrashing and breaking heavy wood planks. Joe reels back into the bar, clothes torn, bleeding from a multitude of scratches and bites. He gathers himself, stands up a little straighter, pulls his ripped and bloody clothes together and asks,

"All right, where's the whore with the bad tooth?"

All of these wre funny as hell

Offensive, but funny:

So Jesus Christ walks into a bar. Hands the bartender four nails and asks him if he could put him up for the night.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.....

A cop was down on his quota so he decided to hide near a bar and get a few people for DWI. As the cop waited, he noticed a man stumbling out of the bar. This man was obviously drunk because he could not keep his balance, falling over multiple times, trying three different vehicles before he found his own and went to sleep. The cop wanted to nab this guy so he waited. After everyone has left the bar, the man woke up and drove off. The cop immediately pulled him over and gave him a breathalizer which read .000. The cop was confused so he asked the guy " i saw you stumbling and drunk." The man replied " I'm the designated distraction for tonight"


here's another one

Man walks into a bar carrying a small box. He sits down at the bar and the bartender asked him what is in the box? The man repied "give me a beer on the house and i'll tell you". The bartender thought about it and thought 'what the heck' and gave the man a beer. After the man finished the beer he pulls out a tiny dude playing a piano. The bartender was confused and ask the man where he got the little piano player. The man repied "give me another beer and i'll tell you". So without thinking the bartender poured him another beer. So the guy brought out a magic lamp and said " This is a magic lamp, give me a beer and its yours". The bartender quickly pours another beer and rubs the lamp. A genie appears and ask what was his wish. The man replied "I want a Million Bucks!". All of the sudden a million ducks fly into the room and the bartender said "what the hell is going on?". The man at the bar replied "I think the genie is deaf because why in the world would i ask for a nine inch Pianist!"

Hope it's ok to resurrect this thread again...
I just thought of a beer related joke, that is so bad I need to share it with someone.

So, say you want to isolate a pure rock culture. What kind of medium would you use?
How about sam hagar-hagar?

Ok, so this is probably an old one, but I hadn't heard it before (also a bit nerdy, which I like..) So...
"How do you make beer?"
"Just pour root beer in a square glass."

Was a bartender for over 20 years....this one is my favorite. No offense to blondes, brunettes, redheads, or ladies (redhead myself).

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar and have a seat on the rail. The handsome young bartender comes over and asks, "What can I get for you fine ladies today?"

The brunette says, "I'll have a WW."

The bartender, trying to appear knowledgeable, walks off racking his brain trying to think of what a "WW" is...asks the other bartender, one of the drunk regulars, no one knows. Resignedly he walks back to the ladies and says, "Okay, you got me. What is a WW?"

The brunette replies haughtily, "White Wine, DUH."

So our bartender gets her wine, then asks the redhead, "What will you have then darling?"

The redhead says, "I'll have an RW."

Our quick-witted bartender thinks for a moment, then s******s and says, "Red Wine?"

The redhead giggles and says, "Of course!" So he gets her wine.

So, he asks the blonde, "And what can I get for you my dear?"

She replies, "I'll have a Fifteen."

This time our hero is totally floored. No one else in the bar knows what a 15 could be. Finally beaten, he goes back to the ladies.

"All right, you got me again. What is in a 15?"

The blonde rolls her eyes.

"Seven and seven, DUH!!!!!"