First bottling experience

So, after leaving my siphon unattended and spilling a couple liters all over my carpet floor, I have my beer...most of it...bottled. My beer doesn't exactly taste..good... will the final product taste the same as it did fresh out of the fermentor? Also, does having a final hydrometer reading of around 1.004 mean there's almost no alcohol in it? Please explain.

No. The amount of alcohol in your beer is proportional to OG-FG. A low FG doesn't mean a lot by itself, other than your beer is dry and won't taste very sweet.

As for the taste of your beer, we need more informations on your
1) Recipe
2) OG and FG
3) Fermentation process (time in primary, time in secondary, starter or not, temperature of fermentation, etc.)

But, usually, a beer can improve big time if you let it condition enough time (weeks). Patience is the most important ingredient in homebrewing.

Check out the below link for bottling help!!!

https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f35/bottling-tips-homebrewer-94812/

Letting my beer sit in the bottles and age has been one of the largest learning curves for me. I now know that the wait is well worth it.

Erythro is exactly right - be patient and give it time. Of course, without knowing what flavors you are tasting or what your process and ingredients were, no one can say whether it will get better or not. But beer almost always benefits from a little patience.

To quickly calculate the %ABV of your beer, use this formula:

(OG-FG) x 131 = %ABV

So for instance:

(1.050-1.004) x 131 = %ABV

(0.046) x 131 = %ABV

6.03 = %ABV