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Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, because hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
 
When Chuck Norris was born, he stared down the doctor who was about to spank him and then cut his own umbilical cord with a karate chop.
 
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
 
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
 
Sorry if there are any repeats in this list:


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.

Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,

Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!"

Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45minutes having sex with his waitress.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!"He is still there to this day.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to " ****ing."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. .

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.


Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
 
and more:

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put
up with lactose's ****.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the ****** when she didn't give him exact change.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.

There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris’s body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.

For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ **** is collected and sold as “Quick Start” fire logs.

Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.

Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.

Chuck Norris’ ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris’ balls.
 
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

McDonald's once tried to sue Chuck Norris because when he returned his coffee it was too hot.
 
The Windows "Blue Screen of Death" is so named because Chuck Norris killed his tech support rep.

Chuck Norris proved the Big Bang Theory with a single fart.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire Burger King restaurant - that's HIS way.

Chuck Norris found Osama bin Laden - that's why no one else has.

Chuck Norris converted to Islam. There are no more virgins left in the afterlife.

The dinosaurs are extinct because Chuck Norris likes lizard meat.

Chuck Norris is never late - time waits for him.

If Chuck Norris played Dungeons & Dragons, he would be a 1,345,612th level wizard. Too bad he kills everyone who plays Dungeons & Dragons.

Light travels at half the speed of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's credit score approaches infinity, and he's never made a payment.
 
Chuck Norris mills grain with his teeth.

Chuck Norris always hits his strike temperature.

Chuck Norris stirs the mash with his ****.

Chuck Norris sparges with 411 degree water - tannins are not a problem for Chuck.

Chuck Norris achieves 125% efficiency.

Chuck Norris does not boil or add hops - he stares at the wort until it has no less than 3 million IBUs.

Chuck Norris aerates with nunchucks.

Chuck Norris doesn't need yeast - his wort spontaneously ferments out of fear.

Chuck Norris always eats the trub.

Chuck Norris uses brute force carbonation.
 
Only Chuck Norris knows whether batch sparging is better than fly sparging.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a brewing kit. He eats the grains, water, hops, and yeast, performs a roundhouse kick, burbs, and pisses into a keg.
 
Chuck Norris Approved


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I get a kick out of the Mr. T and Vin Diesel lists too:

One time Mr. T took the 10 PM train home. He still refuses to give it back.

Crop circles are Vin Diesel's way of saying sometimes corn needs to lay the f*ck down.
 
Chuck Norris had sex with a fire truck. The result was optimus prime.

Chuck norris ordered a whopper Jr. at KFC, and he got it...

:mug:
 
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it is not just your eyesight at risk...
 
Chuck Norris doesn't need a drill press, his tears could put a hole through anything, even diamonds!

Good think he doesn't cry...
 
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