Long vent thread (disclaimer: women problems)

DSICLAIMER: I'm not looking for sage advice, and i'm not expecting anything. I don't talk to my close friends or family, as i don't like people close to me to know everything that is going on in my life. I'm a very private person, but i just NEED to vent.



The situation is, i got engaged to my g/f back in february, and things have just gone down hill ever since. All she
had ever wanted was to get married, you could say she was a nagger about it; i heard about it everytime another friend of hers became engaged. It didn't bother me, as i knew, at some point i would buy her a ring. Now, i'm wondering if that was the right decision....


Synopsis: She's from Florida, has been living in Philly for about 4 years, we've been seeing each for two of them. She is severely homesick, and always has been. Her parents are in poor health, and some of her close friends have gone through major life events, that she has been unable to be there for, which she has always been 'that' friend.

Early last year, i offered to move back to Florida with her, and we were seriously considering it for awhile. She ultimately, decided that it's just 'nostalgia' and that there's 'nothing really there' for her to move back to (several friends moved away, no jobs, etc.) So that went on the back burner, and we've just been chugging along.

I want to say in June, she came to me about her depression. She is unhappy, basically all of the time. She has had a hard time making friends in Philadelphia. Meeting new people hasn't worked out for her. She had originally moved up here for a guy, and that almost immediately fell apart as soon as she got here. She found out he had been talking to other girls, getting nudes, essentially cheating on her, and he treated her like crap when they were together here. Often going out and just leaving her at home. So any people she knows from Florida that live in Philly, she doesn't have much contact with as they are either a) were never friends or b) they're friends with her ex . She is feeling very isolated and alone, her job is constant stress and a source of unhappiness, but she can't 'afford' to take other job offers she has received. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point that we are stuck in this 'routine' and there is little to no intimacy at all.

I blew up on her, early in July, when she had been out drinking with friends, came home late one night she passed out on the couch, then moved to our second bedroom at some point. I woke up and went to read in our living room, her phone kept blowing up. I ignored it for a while, it kept going off, i finally looked at it ... Text from ex-b/f saying 'i miss you too'. I didn't go 'off the handle', but i basically woke her up, tossed the phone at her and said
'well, that's cool.' We fought for a good two weeks or so after that, and eventually had a sit down and tried to work things out. ultimately she claims the conversation wasnt 'like that.' It's more of a just missing her friends, they were friends before they dated, and she just misses her friends. I asked her to just stop talking to him, which apparently she had been, for our whole
relationship. It made me unformtable, and i didn't say 'you can't talk to him anymore.' I more or less, just asked. As, i am not looking to 'control'
anyone, she's a grown adult and can do as she pleases.

She is basically saying to me, that she just needs 'space of her own', she's been actively seeking either a room to rent with friends, or really what she wants is an apartment of her own. SHe feels like she's never been 'on here own' and always been dependent upon somebody else. I've been as open minded in all of this as i can be as, i proposed to her, i want to marry her,
and ultimately i just want her to be 'happy.' It does however, piss me off, that she's willing to strap herself financially, and move out, and not consider
my financial state whatsoever, i've basically been treading water for a while in regards to debt, and even homebrewing can be tight financially for me
at times. I pay all of our living expenses, apart from groceries and for our dogs.

Fast forward a bit, and Several, of her 'moving' options all fell through, however, this ex-b/f, who she still talks to just so happens to need to someone to 'dog-sit' while he works a few days a week down at the Jersey shore. She was, obviously, cautious to bring this up to me, as she was concerned she'd either hurt me or pisse me off. i have been as easy going about everything as i possibly can, because, ultimately the more confrontational and whiny i am, the worse i make everything.

So i tell her to go for it, she's staying there like 3-4 nights a week, while i stay at home with our dogs.

I'm at a point where, i have no f****ng clue what to do and what to think. I 'feel' like this is the end, she just can't or doesn't want to admit it. I also feel like there's a chance she is seeing someone else. She has no affection, compassion, or empathy for my end of this situation, and to be quite frank, i've been nothing but golden to her. I get really depressed sometimes, and really all it does is make things even worse between us ... i have to be the rock, and i just can't do it all the time. I need a reason to be strong for her, and she can't even give me one.

I'm just ... lost in all of this ... i LOVE this girl and want it to work; however it seems so naive of me. I also, feel like walking away from her at this point would be the ultimate dick move. I have accepted the mantra of 'whatever happens happens' but it just is very disconcerting to have absolutely no control over what happens and at times.

TL;DR - UGH!

Well, I went through something similar 25 years ago. I have been divorced for 6. It will never change, and if I were you, I would call off the engagment and go another direction.

You don't sound happy. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Go fishing.

I think you're getting to the crux of it at the end... it sounds like by trying to stay together, you're delaying the inevitable.

If the relationship is making you miserable, what's the point? Sounds like she has issues that she needs to work through herself. She wants to be engaged, but she wants to move out?

Let he go. She's either going to remain with you, but miserable... or she's going to go back to her ex-, and realize again all the reasons that they broke up in the first place. But you've got to take the leap and let her go, trust that you're still young and you'll find someone who actually appreciates you and doesn't make you miserable.

Life's too short, dude.

I 'was' happy, it's just these last two months have been awful. I went through a similar experience in previous serious relationship to this one, this girl pretty much restored my faith in a lot of things and for the first time in my life i was accepting of the idea of 'settling down' getting married, and even having kids. I find myself in a very pernicious state of mind. Do i give up on the girl that made me feel complete, JUST because she's unhappy, that seems EXTREMELY selfish of me ?

My brain does say run based on some of the things that have happened, but my heart says be there for her. What kind of person asks someone to marry them, then runs once things get hard ?

You think that YOU'RE being selfish?

You said yourself "I 'feel' like this is the end". Your gut instincts are telling you something. Bird is right, life is too short.

the_bird said:

I think you're getting to the crux of it at the end... it sounds like by trying to stay together, you're delaying the inevitable.

If the relationship is making you miserable, what's the point? Sounds like she has issues that she needs to work through herself. She wants to be engaged, but she wants to move out?

Let he go. She's either going to remain with you, but miserable... or she's going to go back to her ex-, and realize again all the reasons that they broke up in the first place. But you've got to take the leap and let her go, trust that you're still young and you'll find someone who actually appreciates you and doesn't make you miserable.

Life's too short, dude.

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Good advice right there

the_bird said:

You think that YOU'RE being selfish?

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This. If she can't see what she's doing to you, then she's too self-invested to even be in a worthwhile relationship right now. She needs to move out and figure some things out on her own, without someone else guiding the decisions she makes.

You may feel like its selfish to cut it off, and in a way it is. You need to start worrying about how you feel, and what you need. She isn't providing it in any way, and is simply taking advantage of the feelings you have for her at this point, even if its unintentional.

You can't ALWAYS be the one that gives and gives and gets nothing in return. That's not a relationship. If she's not giving these things back to you, in a meaningful and fulfilling way, then there is little point to continuing the relationship.

Look at it this way: would you rather have found out after you were already married?

the_bird said:

You think that YOU'RE being selfish?

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Yeah, i do. She is at her lowest, and it feels selfish to abandon her.

Although she has stated that she needs to sort this out on her own.

I suppose part of my problem has been always putting other peoples interests and feelings ahead of my own.

beardedidiot said:

This. If she can't see what she's doing to you, then she's too self-invested to even be in a worthwhile relationship right now. She needs to move out and figure some things out on her own, without someone else guiding the decisions she makes.

You may feel like its selfish to cut it off, and in a way it is. You need to start worrying about how you feel, and what you need. She isn't providing it in any way, and is simply taking advantage of the feelings you have for her at this point, even if its unintentional.

You can't ALWAYS be the one that gives and gives and gets nothing in return. That's not a relationship. If she's not giving these things back to you, in a meaningful and fulfilling way, then there is little point to continuing the relationship.

Look at it this way: would you rather have found out after you were already married?

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You pretty much hammered it down.

This is how she has explained herself to me.

How can she be a wife or mother, if she can't even take care of herself, is pretty much how she explained it.

She's said that she doesn't 'want me out of her life' or 'this is the end' ...

my problem is i can't deal with the uncertainty of it all, i suppose.

I don't want to cut bait and run, because, this is what i want. Thats why i bought the ring, it's just really hard to be constantly positive and supportive while getting next to nothing in return.



In the end, all of your responses are greatly appreciated, as i haven't gotten any of this off my chest really in the past two months and it feels nice.

Hang in there Bro, it'll work itself out one way or the other.. Sounds like she may just need some time at this point.

It's perfectly fine to separate for six months or a year. She should use that time to figure out what she needs to make herself happy. No dating for either of you. If after time passes and she's figured herself out, and you both want to see each other again, go ahead.

SharonaZamboni said:

It's perfectly fine to separate for six months or a year. She should use that time to figure out what she needs to make herself happy. No dating for either of you. If after time passes and she's figured herself out, and you both want to see each other again, go ahead.

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Thanks, SZ.

I've been working on coming to terms with something like this, it just feels like such a huge step backwards ... I'm having a hard time accepting it, after just making what i thought was the ultimate commitment

I also, have had a negative experience with the same kind of situation, which is why I am having a hard time 'trusting' this idea. Although, i know it's not fair to equate what happened in a previous relationship with this one, it certainly can be difficult though.


She actually just went back to FL for the weekend for a parent/friends visit, comes home tomorrow. It's been good and bad to have so much time to myself, hah.


Again, i appreciate the comments. It's nice to get a little perspective, while still trying to find the right frame of mind.

It's tough, that's for sure.

The thing is, if she is depressed and unhappy you can't help her through it. It goes to who she is, and what she wants. She needs therapy, and possibly medication. When she has a better understanding of herself and her needs, then she'll be reading for a relationship.

Many women I know have gone through similar things early in the lives. What happens is being unhappy with yourself makes you look outside yourself for ways to be happy- like in a relationship, affair, drinking, etc. But that never works until you fix what's wrong with yourself first.

If she's texting her ex, it's because she still has needs (that "nostalgia") that aren't being met. It's truly not about YOU- it is about her, and that's important to realize. You could be Brad Pitt, or Superman, and it wouldn't work. Getting married now would be a huge mistake for her, and not because of your relationship with her- she shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody until she can make herself comfortable in her own skin.

I'll offer a somewhat dissenting opinion here.

Why would you want her to "figure out who she is" apart from you? If the plan is to be married, the "who she is" apart from you has no meaning after your wedding day. If you're gonna marry someone, figure out who you are together.

Now, I'm not saying go get married today. There are some things better worked out before marriage. I'm just not convinced running is the answer...everyone has junk to work through. So just give it some time.

"I love you, I'm with you, let's work through this together." And some premarital counseling is highly recommended. Most churches offer it for free

Barnzy02 said:

I 'was' happy, it's just these last two months have been awful. I went through a similar experience in previous serious relationship to this one, this girl pretty much restored my faith in a lot of things and for the first time in my life i was accepting of the idea of 'settling down' getting married, and even having kids. I find myself in a very pernicious state of mind. Do i give up on the girl that made me feel complete, JUST because she's unhappy, that seems EXTREMELY selfish of me ?

My brain does say run based on some of the things that have happened, but my heart says be there for her. What kind of person asks someone to marry them, then runs once things get hard ?

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I wonder what exactly it is you find so appealing about these types of gals? It will be tough to find anything different until you do some soul searching yourself, pal. I wish you all the best!

On another note... I literally just left Philly, heading back to Fresno, CA (using the airplane's WiFi, actually). Damn, the weather there is horrendous!! Cheers

Yooper said:

It's tough, that's for sure.

The thing is, if she is depressed and unhappy you can't help her through it. It goes to who she is, and what she wants. She needs therapy, and possibly medication. When she has a better understanding of herself and her needs, then she'll be reading for a relationship.

Many women I know have gone through similar things early in the lives. What happens is being unhappy with yourself makes you look outside yourself for ways to be happy- like in a relationship, affair, drinking, etc. But that never works until you fix what's wrong with yourself first.

If she's texting her ex, it's because she still has needs (that "nostalgia") that aren't being met. It's truly not about YOU- it is about her, and that's important to realize. You could be Brad Pitt, or Superman, and it wouldn't work. Getting married now would be a huge mistake for her, and not because of your relationship with her- she shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody until she can make herself comfortable in her own skin.

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Thanks Yoop, from everything i read ... that's pretty much what i've gathered.

I guess it's just hard on me, in the sense, that i know this isn't 'about' me...but what about me!!!

It just sucks being the one that's left out to dry in all of this.

TyTanium said:

I'll offer a somewhat dissenting opinion here.

Why would you want her to "figure out who she is" apart from you? If the plan is to be married, the "who she is" apart from you has no meaning after your wedding day. If you're gonna marry someone, figure out who you are together.

Now, I'm not saying go get married today. There are some things better worked out before marriage. I'm just not convinced running is the answer...everyone has junk to work through. So just give it some time.

"I love you, I'm with you, let's work through this together." And some premarital counseling is highly recommended. Most churches offer it for free

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Dissent all you'd like, i don't mind.

From what she's told me, it's not being apart from me ... it's being apart from anyone ? She seemingly has gone from relationship (bad) to relationship (bad) to relationship (me ... good ?) ... but has never been on her own, and hasn't had her own anything. I really, i don't know. hah.

Honestly, i don't know. The hardest part of this for me, is how adamant she was about getting engaged and such BEFORE. I feel like i put a lot on the line, and am sorta getting sand thrown in my face now.


Today started off like crap, but i'm feeling pretty good now. I'm just trying to find ways to stay positive. Thanks all.

TyTanium said:

I'll offer a somewhat dissenting opinion here.

Why would you want her to "figure out who she is" apart from you? If the plan is to be married, the "who she is" apart from you has no meaning after your wedding day. If you're gonna marry someone, figure out who you are together.

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I'm going to (respectfully) disagree with this 100%. Not having your own sense of identity, your own sense of self, strikes me as being fundamentally unhealthy. There's stuff that makes me tick that my wife doesn't understand, and that's fine. There's stuff that makes my wife tick that I don't understand, and that's fine, too. I believe we have a very healthy relationship in no small part because our own happiness isn't completely dependent on the relationship itself.

Brulosopher said:

I wonder what exactly it is you find so appealing about these types of gals? It will be tough to find anything different until you do some soul searching yourself, pal. I wish you all the best!

On another note... I literally just left Philly, heading back to Fresno, CA (using the airplane's WiFi, actually). Damn, the weather there is horrendous!! Cheers

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Thanks, and at this point, that's all i can do. Long weekend alone, led to lots of reflection. Some good, some bad. Hopefully brighter days ahead.

In the end, i know one thing, that i want her to be happy ... whether it is with me or without me. I know which one i'd prefer!, but i don't have much control over that.

and yes, the weather in Philly has been AWFUL. Suffocating heat and humidity, then 2 hours of non stop rain that just makes it more hot and humid.

Barnzy02 said:

Today started off like crap, but i'm feeling pretty good now. I'm just trying to find ways to stay positive. Thanks all.

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Uhh... homebrew recently?

the_bird said:

I'm going to (respectfully) disagree with this 100%. Not having your own sense of identity, your own sense of self, strikes me as being fundamentally unhealthy. There's stuff that makes me tick that my wife doesn't understand, and that's fine. There's stuff that makes my wife tick that I don't understand, and that's fine, too. I believe we have a very healthy relationship in no small part because our own happiness isn't completely dependent on the relationship itself.

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Yes, this is huge.

That's a big part of it. She lost a huge part of 'herself' when she moved from Florida to Philly and hasn't been able to find that for herself here.

Here's my 2 cents worth (having gone through a similiar thing a few years back) Could be she wants to get back with her ex (people want what they can't have) and you are the back up plan. Extreme oversimplification. Now I don't know about your gf but it sounds so incredibly similiar to my ex. and that scenario. Run, run fast and run far and when you're done running, run some more then hop on a train, then a plane, then start running again, repeat from beginning.

Sounds like she can't figure out how to directly break up with you and is doing everything in her power to force it...sounds like you know it too just can't step beyond the emotional. I'd call it a done deal, break up, drink some beer with the guys to get over the hurt, when that subsides start dating other woman. Perhaps someday you will meet her again and there will be something there still, or perhaps it'll be Garth Brooks, "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers."

Bensiff said:

Sounds like she can't figure out how to directly break up with you and is doing everything in her power to force it...sounds like you know it too just can't step beyond the emotional. I'd call it a done deal, break up, drink some beer with the guys to get over the hurt, when that subsides start dating other woman. Perhaps someday you will meet her again and there will be something there still, or perhaps it'll be Garth Brooks, "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers."

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Yeah, see, it's impossible for us to know whether she's sincere in "needing to find herself," or she does want to break up so she's trying (consciously or subconsciously) to sabotage the relationship. Maybe she feels guilty about breaking up after just getting engaged. Maybe she's just not good with confrontation. Maybe she has poor self-esteem and is afraid of finding herself alone. I know I delayed breaking up with my high school/college g/f for FAR too long (couple years) because my self-esteem, on a scale of 0-10, was about -500. Hell, we were essentially engaged (would have been the stupidest thing I ever did, and there's been no shortage of stupid things in my life).

In either case, though, it seems like it's out of your hands. She'll either "find herself" and want to come back in six months, or she'll go her own way. Not too much that you can do; if she wants out, she wants out.

Yo dude, I'm at page one of this and I think you need to

A) don't get married
B) don't share your personal problems on the internet machine

You know what the answer is here. You don't need us to tell you. You're apparently miserable with this woman and you don't trust her. Marrying her isn't going to fix that, champ. It's just going to make it a whole lot more expensive to break up with her. And you will. You know it.

Marriage is a bunch of hard work. If you're getting married to make a bad relationship stronger, then you're making an enormous mistake. The fact that you're sharing personal information like this to total strangers on an open discussion forum is about all the evidence that you need that you're not ready to get married.

Go make yourself a beer. It is the right decision.

kenstogie said:

Here's my 2 cents worth (having gone through a similiar thing a few years back) Could be she wants to get back with her ex (people want what they can't have) and you are the back up plan. Now I don't know about your gf but it sounds so incredibly similiar to my ex. and that scenario. Run, run fast and run far and when you're done running, run some more then hop on a train, then a plane, then start running again, repeat from beginning.

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The thoughts crossed my mind. But i love this girl and i love my dogs. It's complicated and not easy to just up and run. I've thought about it, thought about lots of things.

I keep coming back to, myself personally, i'm not the type to turn and run when it's not working.

I'd much rather know, that i tried and did everything i could, and ultimately it didn't work. Even if i am setting myself up to get hurt, which i could very well be doing ...

Bensiff said:

Sounds like she can't figure out how to directly break up with you and is doing everything in her power to force it...sounds like you know it too just can't step beyond the emotional. I'd call it a done deal, break up, drink some beer with the guys to get over the hurt, when that subsides start dating other woman. Perhaps someday you will meet her again and there will be something there still, or perhaps it'll be Garth Brooks, "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers."

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Yeah, it really can feel that way sometimes. Other times, i feel like I'm just being paranoid and over reacting.

It's a fine line, that i don't want to cross ... atleast not yet.

I don't want to give up on what we've had and potentially could have, because of a trying two month period.

WhiskeySam said:

Yo dude, I'm at page one of this and I think you need to

A) don't get married
B) don't share your personal problems on the internet machine

You know what the answer is here. You don't need us to tell you. You're apparently miserable with this woman and you don't trust her. Marrying her isn't going to fix that, champ. It's just going to make it a whole lot more expensive to break up with her. And you will. You know it.

Marriage is a bunch of hard work. If you're getting married to make a bad relationship stronger, then you're making an enormous mistake. The fact that you're sharing personal information like this to total strangers on an open discussion forum is about all the evidence that you need that you're not ready to get married.

Go make yourself a beer. It is the right decision.

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i pretty much stated before i started typing anything i'm not looking for advice.

I don't like talking to people close to me about my serious personal issues and that i just needed to vent.

I appreciate your opinion, but i'm not looking for someone on here to solve my problems.

Sometimes its nice to have 'anonymous' opinions or just have someone hear your bull****.

Barnzy02 said:

Thanks Yoop, from everything i read ... that's pretty much what i've gathered.

I guess it's just hard on me, in the sense, that i know this isn't 'about' me...but what about me!!!

It just sucks being the one that's left out to dry in all of this.


From what she's told me, it's not being apart from me ... it's being apart from anyone ? She seemingly has gone from relationship (bad) to relationship (bad) to relationship (me ... good ?) ... but has never been on her own, and hasn't had her own anything. I really, i don't know. hah.

Honestly, i don't know. The hardest part of this for me, is how adamant she was about getting engaged and such BEFORE. I feel like i put a lot on the line, and am sorta getting sand thrown in my face now.


Today started off like crap, but i'm feeling pretty good now. I'm just trying to find ways to stay positive. Thanks all.

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It's definitely hard when you're in the middle of it! It's easy to say rationally, "Well, she's having these issues, and she needs to do xxxx" but it's really painful when it affects you (as well as her).

It's crucial for anyone, man or woman, to live on their own at some point before marriage and children. When I went through my divorce, I had a very hard time because I didn't even know what to cook or buy at the grocery store! My whole life was always "taking care" of others, and while I was in the Army I just stood in the chow line for dinner and lived in the barracks- I never had to make a decision about any of that stuff. Then I got married and "we" made the decisions but it really wasn't me or what I wanted. Then when my kids came, I worked on being the best mom. I never really felt confident about making any decisions for myself because I didn't know what I wanted and who I was.

I ended up in a crushing depression at the age of 26. It was the most painful time of my life.

But you know what? Little bits of autonomy make you feel like an adult, and that started my growing up process.

And now I'm telling my daughter the same thing! She went from our house, to a college dorm, to living with her boyfriend, to having her son. She's now at a crossroads, and while she loves her son with her whole being, she's regretful that she never lived on her own before because she doesn't feel competent as an adult (although she's a great mom). She's learning how to be on her own with her child, and without a man.

Your GF needs this. I know it's hard for you. But trust me, it's better now than after a marriage.

What's the famous saying "know thy self"? From what you mention it seems that she's has lots of emotional problems at the moment. I was always brought up that we can't rely on others to "make" us happy, but that it comes from within. So just remember, it's NOT YOU it's HER. Be as supportive as you can honestly handle.

I know I'm going to get ribbed for it, but, I watched a movie recently with my wife called "The Vow". It reminds me of pherhaps what you're feeling, the unknown & allowing yourself to let go so that the other person can grow (I know all that gooey emotional crap). Just because she might not be "living" with you doesn't mean that she's not "with you" (however, it would erk me if she continued to talk with an ex who treated her badly or was a bad relationship & she wanted to stay there).

Surely, you'd want be happy the rest of your life with someone else that's happy too?

Hopefully that wasn't sage advice

Barnzy02 said:

I'd much rather know, that i tried and did everything i could, and ultimately it didn't work. Even if i am setting myself up to get hurt, which i could very well be doing ...




Yeah, it really can feel that way sometimes. Other times, i feel like I'm just being paranoid and over reacting.

It's a fine line, that i don't want to cross ... atleast not yet.

I don't want to give up on what we've had and potentially could have, because of a trying two month period.

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One other thought- how do you feel about counseling? The reason I mention that is that it seems like the truth comes out there. I mean, I remember blurting out something that I NEVER wanted to even think about let alone share (!) in front of a counselor.

You can get to the truth, in a safe place, if you're both ok with trying it. Not to "fix" things if they aren't fixable but to at least find out what the real problems are.

Some people make horrible spouses. Immaturity, basic unresolved emotional problems in their history, who knows. For them, there might never be a solution that makes them a satisfying mate. These people might also be disappointing parents.

I'd move on and remain friends if possible.

This is coming from a guy that married for the first time at 58. I have been in love with other women in the past, but once things start falling apart the odds of them being repairable are low. I can only add a vote for breaking the engagement. Nothing in your posts makes me think this can work. She needs to move home.

Barnzy02 said:

Yeah, it really can feel that way sometimes. Other times, i feel like I'm just being paranoid and over reacting.

It's a fine line, that i don't want to cross ... atleast not yet.

I don't want to give up on what we've had and potentially could have, because of a trying two month period.

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Here's that advice you didn't want, but I'm guessing it will lead to what many are thinking but too nice to say because I think we can all relate to your story and are sympathetic if not empathetic to your plight.

I'm sure you have a local guy focused afternoon or morning show in your town like we do in Seattle (The Men's Room), call them up and tell them your fiance has been texting her ex, now is looking to move out, and is staying at her ex's 3-4 nights a week to watch the dogs. I think they will be pretty clear in their response for you.

Bensiff said:

Here's that advice you didn't want, but I'm guessing it will lead to what many are thinking but too nice to say because I think we can all relate to your story and are sympathetic if not empathetic to your plight.

I'm sure you have a local guy focused afternoon or morning show in your town like we do in Seattle (The Men's Room), call them up and tell them your fiance has been texting her ex, now is looking to move out, and is staying at her ex's 3-4 nights a week to watch the dogs. I think they will be pretty clear in their response for you.

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Or give Tom Leykis a call.

Yooper said:

One other thought- how do you feel about counseling? The reason I mention that is that it seems like the truth comes out there. .

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Good point. Tried it in my first serious relationship. She picked the counselor. After a couple sessions, the counselor said, "(name withheld), you are paying absolutely no attention to what David is saying. That might be the main problem."

Finding herself means who she is by herself. That's not married and usually not engaged either.

If this is the girl for you, make it work. If you have any qualms at all, cut bait. The divorce rate for first marriages is hitting 50%, those stats don't need any help before you get married.

I am immensely enjoying the comments from guys compared to the two females who replied here.

As i said, just wanted to vent, whether this was the best place to do it, yeah thats debatable.

In the end, i just needed to get **** off of my chest that i felt like i haven't told anyone.

again, i appreciate all your responses.

Um, how many red flags do you need? definitely don't get tied down to that unstable relationship. run!

Also, your friends/family will have a more informed perspective and probably better advice.

I second (or third?) Yoopers suggestion of counseling. If she's having issues knowing who she really is/what she really wants she should probably get some counseling anyways. Going in together could help your relationship, in addition to helping her get to know what she need to find out who she is.

It could end up helping you, or it could end up leading to the conclusion that you need to separate, perhaps permanently. But either way it will have been worked out with someone's help who knows how to get the communication going both ways.

I would never tell you what you should do, even over the internet. I'm not you, I don't know you, I don't know your fiance. Just figure out what YOU need, and whether or not you can help your fiance with what SHE needs. If that means a counselor, see a counselor. If that means breaking up, break up.