CodeRages's Law of business travel

So I am sitting in my hotel room, frustrated with my week and came up with this. I am sure some of you may be able to relate.....

Lodging Theorem:
The Conviviality Repute Adverse Proportion factor

CRAP factor = (X)/(sigm(DG)+sigma(BL)+sigma(A)+sigma(PS)) : where distance of DG, DL, A, and PS < X miles

CRAP factor is equal to the sample distance (X) divided by the sum of all Dollar Generals, Big Lots, Amscotts, and Pawn Shops within X distance of a point of reference (read hotel).

For example, There are 2 Big Lots, 3 General Dollar Stores, 2 Amscotts, and 4 Pawn Shops within 1 mile of my hotel room. The result is a CRAP factor of 1/11 or 9.1%.


Postulate 1: Lodging Quality
The odds of finding a hotel room acceptable for human occupancy are equal to it's CRAP factor.
Continuing from the example above, there is a 1 in 11 or 9.1% chance my hotel room is secure, clean, quiet, and comfortable.


Postulate 2: Dining
CRAP factor is also applicable to the average chance of finding a survivable dining experience within the sample distance of lodging.

Postulate 3:
Budget Compliance
The odds of a given hotel's daily rate being equal to or less than the budgeted allowance for lodging is equal to 1 - CRAP factor.
The chances my lodging will be an approved expense is 1-1/11 = 10/11 = 89.9%

Correlation 1: Hookers and Drug Dealers
The likely hood of one or many drug dealers and/or hookers in any combination in visual proximity of your hotel room is equal to the Budget Compliance Ratio.

Correlation 2: Proximity and Magnitude of Operations
The higher the Budget Compliance Ratio the closer the drug dealers and/or hookers are operating to your hotel room.
For example, with a Budget Compliance of 98% the room to the right is a full service brothel and the room to the left is a one stop drug haven.

Correlation 3: Per Diem
Costs of goods and services provided by neighbors are proportionally budget compliant as well.
Example continued; with a budget compliance of 98, there is a chance 98% chance a 'trip around the moon' and a joint will cost less than the daily meal allowance.

Perhaps it's more succinctly summed up like this:

An expenses paid business trip has an extremely high chance of becoming a stay in a poorly located roach motel that will, in the end, cost more than any reimbursement allowed.

Far too much time on your hands, but makes perfect sense to me

Gremlyn1 said:

Far too much time on your hands, but makes perfect sense to me

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agreed. i worked for the forest service fighting forest fires. and they dont pay S*it for per diem spent many a night in KOA camp grounds in gubament issued tents.

Wow, I understood that...I kinda wish I didn't

Dude, like get yourself a bag of doritos and some good take out beer somewhere. Ice it in the trash can with a towel wrapped around it to keep it cool, and flip on the HBO. Your brain is visiting odd and wasteful places on it's own and it must be subdued.

A co-worker and I were at a week-long technical training in Virginia several years ago. We were put up in a Homestead Inn Extended Stay. Though I requested a non-smoking room, they put me in a room that must have hosted a cigar smoker the night before, because I couldn't breathe. I was developing a cold at the time and demanded a non-smoking room. The only non-smoking room they had was the handicapped room, which I accepted. All of the switches, peep socket on the door, etc were about waist high, which I understand. But it was just. . . off. . . to me.

My co-worker had a much more interesting experience. There must have been a drug deal going down in the room next door because he woke me up at 2:00am with a text "I think sum1 just got stabbed outsd my door!" I heard the police sirens and ambulance about fifteen minutes later. Big pool of blood on the sidwalk outside his door when I went to pick him up the next morning. We called the place the Home-Stab Inn for the rest of the trip.

Though there was a Chick-Fil-A next door. Yum.

Jason - I understand, I'm right there with you.

Heell. It ain't lik you ar havin yor porch cowch stoled by ficken law munkys!

Correlation 4 - Available beers

The percentage BMC vs craft brew availability at nearby restaurants, bars and stores is directly proportional to the budget compliance.

Nothing beats traveling on the government's nickel, if you are in the lower echelons. Did one trip for Hughes and had to comply with the regs. that meant staying in a specific hotel rather than the one where the training was occurring. That meant I needed a rental car, parking at my hotel at night, parking at the training hotel during the day, plus fuel. Total ran $50/day over staying at the training hotel.

Bonus: the approved hotel was in Fisherman's Wharf in S.F. Fresh crab for breakfast for five days.

Zen_Brew said:

Dude, like get yourself a bag of doritos and some good take out beer somewhere. Ice it in the trash can with a towel wrapped around it to keep it cool, and flip on the HBO. Your brain is visiting odd and wasteful places on it's own and it must be subdued.

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Done this many a night early in my career - spent way to much time on the road. Its amazing how fast you can chill a beer by slowly rotating it on a bed of ice in a trash can!

Feel sorry for you. I always stayed in Holiday In Express's or Hampton Inn when know Holiday in chain was available. 95% of the time I got free upgrades to suites and exec levels for platinum status. $15 for breakfast, $20 lunch, $40 dinner. My company bought me many growlers and tshirts

JetSmooth said:

A co-worker and I were at a week-long technical training in Virginia several years ago. We were put up in a Homestead Inn Extended Stay. Though I requested a non-smoking room, they put me in a room that must have hosted a cigar smoker the night before, because I couldn't breathe. I was developing a cold at the time and demanded a non-smoking room. The only non-smoking room they had was the handicapped room, which I accepted. All of the switches, peep socket on the door, etc were about waist high, which I understand. But it was just. . . off. . . to me.

My co-worker had a much more interesting experience. There must have been a drug deal going down in the room next door because he woke me up at 2:00am with a text "I think sum1 just got stabbed outsd my door!" I heard the police sirens and ambulance about fifteen minutes later. Big pool of blood on the sidwalk outside his door when I went to pick him up the next morning. We called the place the Home-Stab Inn for the rest of the trip.

Though there was a Chick-Fil-A next door. Yum.

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um.. F what they say. I'm finding the closest place outside of murdertown and turning in the expense report if that happens!

Laughing_Gnome_Invisible said:

Heell. It ain't lik you ar havin yor porch cowch stoled by ficken law munkys!

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SOFA KING!!!

Dude th plant has plaid for me to say out of town, end not like dont come to work just stay away. Im lucy thouh they say we wil pay X amount and I can orbitz or that otehr one and come out good. except for meals, they think Im a bird like a sparow. or a hummingbird. i need foods with to chew and meat with veggies and beer, THEY NO PAY FOR BEER ON EXSPENSIVE REPORT! no mead either. the know what that is. basterds. and they make me drive my own car. i m like gimma a company motrcycle its good an gas but nooooo they wont do it. i mean i cooudlnt even order room service on the food budget. i had to eat roastbeef and gravy sammiches. jokes on them! a! i g to place and say gimme raostbeef w gravy on it and the dude knew! he wa slike, I gotcha. and he did. nice!

and when i had o go to this thing like a few toen over ad wanted a hotel they say no way man, you drive this far for work and i was like but is out of town, i need hotel and gas monies but they say gtfo my office.

well! i see they have a nice leather couch n the admenstration buildgn now. its oxblood color with theose brass buttons to make likeits quitled. ya. one way or other, i gets mine.

Get that couch!

Basterds

Zul'jin said:

Dude th plant has plaid for me to say out of town, end not like dont come to work just stay away. Im lucy thouh they say we wil pay X amount and I can orbitz or that otehr one and come out good. except for meals, they think Im a bird like a sparow. or a hummingbird. i need foods with to chew and meat with veggies and beer, THEY NO PAY FOR BEER ON EXSPENSIVE REPORT! no mead either. the know what that is. basterds. and they make me drive my own car. i m like gimma a company motrcycle its good an gas but nooooo they wont do it. i mean i cooudlnt even order room service on the food budget. i had to eat roastbeef and gravy sammiches. jokes on them! a! i g to place and say gimme raostbeef w gravy on it and the dude knew! he wa slike, I gotcha. and he did. nice!

and when i had o go to this thing like a few toen over ad wanted a hotel they say no way man, you drive this far for work and i was like but is out of town, i need hotel and gas monies but they say gtfo my office.

well! i see they have a nice leather couch n the admenstration buildgn now. its oxblood color with theose brass buttons to make likeits quitled. ya. one way or other, i gets mine.

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WTF???? more classic Zul'jin, and no one told me???????

zul'jin needs to learn to take the non-itemized receipt.

The last time I had to go out of town my boss knew I hated working for that particular client. He told me to go ahead and expense my bar tabs. I strangely wasn't as pissed about going anymore.

Another time, my buddy and I got sent out of state for training and again bar tabs were approved. We made sure to attach pictures of all the honeys we met at the hotel bar with our nightly reports.