I'm this close to giving up. Seriously.

Well, we're 1,000 miles away from all that bullcrap. It's not out of the country but it's at least distance.

The point is, given the circumstance, I'm pretty sure that the reasons behind her insecurities are not because she's cheating on me. It's just frustrating to have to deal with constant insinuations of naivete when I think I have a pretty good grasp of where her issues stem from.

I can understand if you don't want to commiserate with a pathetic dude who's whining about his situation and not doing a thing about it.

But again, I think I've earned the right to vent a little.

Is there a way to sticky that post? I think I'm gonna link to that one if anyone else suggests she's cheating on me from now on.

vent away!

guess it's a good thing this is off in the NSFW section.

It's really my fault for knowingly marrying into that insanity. It just never seemed to touch me until we got married. The bizarre thing is the majority of her extended family is quite normal. Rowdy, but normal.

I'm happy to see things are going well.
Keep working at it, if it works then awesome, that is the hope.
But the key here is to continue to work at it, not be ok with things going well now and hoping things stay that way.

Congrats on being man enough to stick out a difficult situation and work for it, as you see most would turn and run.

Congrats on being man enough to stick out a difficult situation and work for it, as you see most would turn and run.

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You may be the first person on here to call me a man for wanting to honor my wedding vows. You, sir, are my hero right now.

Since the thread kinda died I'm gonna turn in.

The way that I see it, It looks like you've got a slightly broken Dryer.
It has taken it's lumps over the years, had a few bowling balls ran through it, so it's a little banged up, and sometimes it tears up a shirt or a sock.

The good things about it:
It's been around a while and you know what to expect from it for the most part.
You know how every dent and snag got there.
It's familiar, and familiar is comfortable.
Sometimes it dries the clothes without tearing anything up.

The bad things about it:
It runs rough even on a good day.
Even when nothing seems to be wrong, it will still tear up a shirt.
The old snags and dents are cumulative.
It occasionally bursts into flames.


Repairing your dryer might cost more, but if you call in a professional, you might get better results.

To get the best results, make a mental list of problems that your dryer has that need to be corrected. You need to tell the professional about every time that it tears up a sock, about every time that it catches fire, and every time that it runs rough. Because you know that when he gets there, the dryer will be working fine.

The professional will take some time to get your dryer fixed, especially since it's the type that can't come out of service to be worked on.

The professional might be able to pop out some of the dents, might be able to replace the belts, rollers, and guides to make it run smoothly. He might even be able to repair the barrel so that it even stops tearing up the occasional sock.

The Professional might tell you that the unit needs more experience than you have. You might be able to learn how to operate it better.

Then again, he might tell you that it's a piece of junk and you need to get rid of it.

In any case, You need to get that Dryer serviced, and serviced soon; because even a closely watched dryer that catches fire will eventually burn your whole damn house down. It might even take you with it.

My advice, go rent the movie Fireproof. Yes, it's cheezy. Yes, it has lots of religious nonsense in it. Yes, it has lots of bad acting. BUT, and this is a big BUT. If you never try to save your marriage by putting yourself totally and completely on the line, you'll always wonder if there were something else you could have done. This movie is about a married couple with issues, and ready to split up. There is also this concept of the "Love Dare" where you concentrate on showing love and expecting nothing in return.

I'd try that and some marriage counseling as a last resort. If that doesn't work I think you have to walk away, for your own sanity and for the betterment of both of your lives. But you have to try EVERYTHING first, IMHO. Otherwise, 20 years down the road you'll be wondering "what if". If you try everything and it doesn't work, then Fuc% it...people change, people grow apart, and life is too short to live in misery by choice. Hang in there man, if you really love her be prepared to sacrifice yourself to show it. Another good movie, "the last kiss" with zach braff. Good message and also a great soundtrack IMHO. Best quote from that movie, "Love is not what you say, that only matters to you. It only matters how you show your love to the other person through your actions." Or something like that...anyways, apfelwein is awesome! :rockin:

Jeeesuuuus.... Why does it have to be so complicated?

Let me ask you a question:

1- Did you ever at one point, felt she was madly in love with you, and that she was real nice and kind with you, told you very sweet words and told you that it would be forever?

2- Did you at one point ever really felt you both were being a strong team, felt like you could share just about anything with her, be really at ease talking anything with her?

3- Did you ever feel at one point she had total confidence in your mutual relationship, not being afraid to let you go have a beer or two with buddies knowing she could totally trust you?

If any of these questions is No, then sorry, you got nothing worth fighting for in there.
Fixing something that was never really there is not worth it.
There has to be something in the first place, otherwise, youre just fooling yourself dude.

Sorry to be that direct and raw, but it tears me appart to see a dude in such a sad situation.

I've been married for 5 years now, and before that, i was with her for 10 additional years, it always been a strong team between the two of us, we met while we were still pretty young and even thought we had some tuff moments, we always felt the huge bond between us was the force that was gonna move any freaking mountains that would dare step in our way.

Now i always felt this was something real special, something to work and fight for.

I wish you the exact same thing dude.

From what I've just read, she needs to be in therapy alone, and you both need it together.
Once she starts working on her issues, it will help the two of you work on yours.
Do WHATEVER it takes to make, and KEEP, the appointments. A good therapist doesn't take sides, so don't worry about that aspect. If you can, find a PhD, and not someone with only an Associates degree. Been there, done that. I would also recomend a Psychologist over a Psychiatrist. A Psychologist will sit and talk to you for an hour (or so) at a time, and may recomend meds, where a Psychiatrist will talk to you for a few minutes, write out a prescription, and then most likely pass you off to an therapist. Again, been there, ...
I wish you the best of luck, brother. This sounds WAY to much like my marriage, which ended up in flames after I finally decided to pull the pin when she refused to work on things.

bernerbits said:

Well and see, all the advice I got pre-marriage was that marriage is a lot of work and not all fun and happy all the time. So I guess I expected to have some fights and for her to be angry at me some of the time.

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Yes marriage is not ALL fun and happiness, but the majority of it should be! And if this is something that happens occasioanlly, IE once every 4-5 months then it's fine, but this thread comes across as a daily lifestyle.

bernerbits said:

jesus tap-dancing christ it's not projective identification!!

her mom abandoned her and her three siblings when she was like 11 and came back after long periods of absence every couple years with a different husband. Her father was a drug addict that threatened to kill her mom which prompted her to divorce him AND LEAVE THE KIDS IN HIS CUSTODY.

Eventually her grandparents kidnapped them from her father, obtained guardianship, and cut off all contact between them and both parents so they could have a normal childhood.

Her mom's currently a nurse with a pain pill addiction, her stepdad is an alcoholic, and together the two have a huge gambling problem. They've come to us asking for money and I've flat out refused them which has prompted her mother to decide I'm the bad son-in-law. This compared to my brother-in-law who steals credit card numbers and sleeps around on my wife's sister, whom he has a CHILD with and ANOTHER ALONG THE WAY. Her sister is aware of it, and she F*CKING FORGIVES HIM EVERY GODDAMN TIME because she thinks her kids need a father.

SO YEAH SHE'S GOT ISSUES. It's a f*cking miracle she's as normal as she is. Now everyone please stop speculating that she's got some skeletons she's not telling me about because I think I've got a PRETTY GOOD CLUE.

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Another VERY IMPORTANT reason she needs to be in counseling. It's not her fault these things happened to her and she needs professional help dealing with them. It shows nothing about her being damaged or weak, just that she had some hard times as a kid and her ideals about the world are most likely very skewed. She obviously has trust issues and understandably so! I tihnk you too need marriage counseling session, not just planning, and she needs 1 on 1 therapy. If she can get help with these things it will make life much easier.

I would also recommend some personal therapy for yourself while you're at it. You obviously have big issues with self worth which is contributing in a big way to this lifestyle you're accepting. Most of your posts here are asking for our approval of you as a man, talking about your ego, and/or standing up for the woman you're here to complain about when we give you outsider advice. Now there's nothing wrong by ANY MEANS with standing up for wife, you should stand up for your wife. But do not defend the very things she does that you come here to complain about.

It's been several days since you first mentioned Therapy. If you REALLY wanted it, you would at the very least have an appointment scheduled already.

Stef1966 said:

Jeeesuuuus.... Why is it that so complicated?

Let me ask you a question:

1- Did you ever at one point, felt she was madly in love with you, and that she was real nice and kind with you, told you very sweet words and told you that it would be forever?

2- Did you at one point ever really felt you both were being a strong team, felt like you could share just about anything with her, be really at ease talking anything with her?

3- Did you ever feel at one point she had total confidence in your mutual relationship, not being afraid to let you go have a beer or two with buddies knowing she could totally trust you?

If any of these questions is No, then sorry, you got nothing worth fighting for in there.
Fixing something that was never really there is not worth it.
There has to be something in the first place, otherwise, youre just fooling yourself dude.

Sorry to be that direct and raw, but it tears me appart to see a dude in such a sad situation.

I've been married for 5 years now, and before that, i was with her for 10 additional years, it always been a strong team between the two of us, we met at high school while we were still pretty young and even thought we had some tuff moments, we always felt the huge bond between us was the force that was gonna move any freaking mountains that would dare step in our way.

Now i always felt this was something real special, something to work and fight for.

I wish you the exact same thing dude.

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This should be standard in every marriage. unfortunately people settle. Be it due to low self esteem not thinking they could get better, The need for a HOT wife not caring about personality, Finanical reasons, whatever.

I'd rather be poor and married to an ugly chick and be Truly HAPPY with life, than be rich and married to hottie and be MISERABLE.

And if you don't like that post, here's the response you initially came here for.

Bernie, don't worry man, things will be okay, this is normal in every new marriage. Marriage is tough, don't beat yourself up, you're doing nothing wrong and it sounds like you got a great woman there. Give her time, she'll come around. you're doing the Manly thing here by honoring your wedding vows. Wedding vows are far more important than happiness.

It's been several days since you first mentioned Therapy. If you REALLY wanted it, you would at the very least have an appointment scheduled already.

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Look, I HAD the appointment. She either couldn't or wouldn't take the day off to go do it, and the therapist didn't take Friday appointments, which is her day off. I left a message asking about evening appointments, the lady didn't get back to me, and I had other things get in the way so I didn't get back to calling other therapists.

And I'm not on here right now because of anything going down. I just wanted to talk about the fact that she did ok for just one week after this nightmare AND me having a normal chat with a woman and being able to be honest about it without her going nuts.

As far as incidents of the magnitude experienced two weeks ago, yeah, I can say there's 4-5 months in between **** like that going down. Little quibbles over me accidentally calling her fat, not putting my dishes in the sink or leaving my clothes on the floor, griping about my driving or my awkward tendencies in social situations, her passive-aggressive behavior towards every single woman on earth that doesn't have some huge defect or personality trait that makes her unf*ckable ... those are more frequent.

So it's like the other guy said, I know the dings and it's comfortable, and I've learned how to work with the defects, but every once in a while it burns up a nice pair of slacks.

But honestly, if people are really that insistent on me cutting and running, I wonder if there's any respect for marriage left at all. Yeah it's a *****, but I put myself in this situation and it's not exactly the honorable thing to bail, especially this soon after having made that commitment. Does everyone on this board go around breaking solemn promises because it conflicts with their emotions? If my word doesn't count for **** then what respect do I really even deserve?

And as for firestarter, I have no respect for Kirk Cameron and don't want my money going anywhere near the guy.

But honestly, if people are really that insistent on me cutting and running, I wonder if there's any respect for marriage left at all. Yeah it's a *****, but I put myself in this situation and it's not exactly the honorable thing to bail, especially this soon after having made that commitment. And if my word doesn't count for **** then what respect do I honestly deserve?

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...Dude... I give up.
We obviously do not come from the same planet.

Good luck.

We obviously do not come from the same planet.

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God I wish that were the first time someone's expressed that sentiment.

It's crap like that that makes me wonder if I'm even reading the situation right or if I'm instead just clinically insane and unable to correctly recall anything that has ever happened accurately. Hell, maybe I came home and started ****. I was relatively inebriated, maybe I just don't remember. Maybe I'm reading typical girl behavior and totally misinterpreting it.

How am I supposed to know when some people really do suspect I'm nuts?

Well **** guys, ya come in here telling a kid who's been married six months to draw up the papers? What did you think was gonna happen? I was gonna go, OK, yeah, that sounds like a great plan! and be a free bird within the hour?

I guess I should have realized that since the majority of people here are either of the "put up or shut up" or "get the f*ck out" mentality, I'm wasting my time.

Especially since several people here have already expressed resignation and probably aren't coming back. Which makes me feel even better because oh wonderful, I've pissed people off with my complaining and by refusing to take their advice and instead of make things better I'm making enemies and burning bridges.

Maybe I'll take the day off and drink. Or on second thought, I guess I'll make that appointment today and go ***** to the therapist. At least he gets paid to listen to my bullsh1t.

I spent way too many years of my life with someone who was crazy and jealous and had all kinds of baggage from a crappy childhood. We both had piss-poor self esteem. We were miserable. The only times we weren't really miserable together was when we were ****ing.

You can't really fix someone's baggage. If she's got all of these issues, she has to deal with them. If she's not ready to deal with them, well... that leaves you in a hell of a bind. If she's not willing to do what she needs to do to be happy (get some therapy), then you need to take responsibility for your OWN happiness.

It sucks leaving someone that you've spent years with. It sucks having to start over, but you're young like I was... if she's not willing to make any effort to get herself "fixed", to get herself in a place where SHE'S happy, you're going to be miserable and resentful and spiteful the whole time you're there. It just isn't worth it.

bernerbits said:

Swear to f*cking christ it's weird nobody seems to respect the whole I vowed to stick it out for better or for worse with this woman so I'd better at least make some f*cking effort because if I make that promise then cut and run at the first sign of difficulty it's gonna be pretty goddamn difficult to consider my self a decent human being ever again aspect of this situation.

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And I've sat with buddies at the bar who said the same EXACT thing for years. There is no year, two year, five year time frame where you can hit the check box and say "I've worked at it long enough and I'm done". You want to work at having a loving relationship. That automatically makes you a decent human being.

You're getting comments for guys that say "****, that was ME and I lived that for 5 years until I got out." Everyone has to live their own life, but it always helps to look at someone else's mistakes so you don't make the same.

I'm all for you trying to work this out. Count me in the camp of those who believe the vows mean something. You should try your level best to make sure it works out as it should.

However, there has to come a point, and you decide when that is, that it's obvious that A) you can work this out with time or B) it's just not happening. You're a young guy with some issues married to a young woman with apparently more issues that don't seem to have been addressed.

If you have to knock her on the head and drag her to counseling, do it. If she's not willing to put in the effort, that should be some sort of sign, no?

mmb said:

You're getting comments for guys that say "****, that was ME and I lived that for 5 years until I got out." Everyone has to live their own life, but it always helps to look at someone else's mistakes so you don't make the same.

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Amen. I've relayed my experience, for what it's worth. I'll say that my ex was sexually abused by a family member. I thought I could rescue her or save her. I couldn't.

She's nearing 42 yo now and hasn't remarried yet. We've been divorced for almost 11 years. Says something, methinks.

Just so we're clear, I also wouldn't be half-assed sanitizing my cusswords if the forum didn't automatically filter them out. Which, while completely off topic, seems rather absurd in a NSFW, non-public portion of a website consisting entirely of people old enough to imbibe.

Hell, I'm not trying to rescue her, I'm just living for those rare moments where she totally floors me and acts like an adult. I dunno, I guess those few cases convinced me she was capable of maturing with time.

shecky said:

I'm all for you trying to work this out. Count me in the camp of those who believe the vows mean something. You should try your level best to make sure it works out as it should.

However, there has to come a point, and you decide when that is, that it's obvious that A) you can work this out with time or B) it's just not happening. You're a young guy with some issues married to a young woman with apparently more issues that don't seem to have been addressed.

If you have to knock her on the head and drag her to counseling, do it. If she's not willing to put in the effort, that should be some sort of sign, no?

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My sentiments exactly. Take some advice from TWO guys who have been where you are. Do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to try and make it work, but if it's not, at some point, you have to decide when to cut your losses.
Please read my last post. She NEEDS individual therapy, and you both need couples counselling.

However, there has to come a point, and you decide when that is, that it's obvious that A) you can work this out with time or B) it's just not happening.

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Well the point is, I don't think I'm there yet. If I cut and run right now, there's no way I can honestly look anyone in the face and claim I did everything I could.

bernerbits said:

Well the point is, I don't think I'm there yet. If I cut and run right now, there's no way I can honestly look anyone in the face and claim I did everything I could.

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Then keep working, but make damn sure she gets some counseling and you two get some together. Also make damn sure to not let your feelings cloud your vision. Difficult, I know, but it must be done.

Please read my last post. She NEEDS individual therapy, and you both need couples counselling.

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Hell, I need meds to keep me from screwing around on the computer all morning and to be productive at work.

Just went to my health insurance website and left a voicemail with a marriage counselor. Only Ph.D I could find was the one I tried before who doesn't take friday appointments.

I'll probably suggest we both get individual counseling, because I'm sure I could benefit too.

bernerbits said:

Oh, and... I'm quite positive she'll be penitent in a day or two. She always is.

Which makes it all the more difficult to talk about her reactions because after all... she said sorry...

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If she was really sorry and learned her lesson she wouldn't bring it up again.

Let's face it you've already made up your mind about what your going to do, I hope it works out for you. I think most of us have given you good advice but don't look to us to say what you are doing is what we would do. We are not trying to cut you down or say your not manly at all just trying to look at this from the outside and give you the advise we would want to hear.

bernerbits said:

I swear, half the time I do this she's perfectly fine with it. The other half it's like I've married a serial killer.

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This is the definition of a woman. IRRATIONAL. no way around it in my opinion. not that that makes it easier... i hate this kind of BS.


p.s. this is very quotable, lol

I've put in a call to a therapist. If I don't hear back from them today I'll call another one tomorrow and just make my way down the list.

Sorry to spurn the "dump her ass and run" folks. I'm really just not convinced it's unsalvageable at this point.

I agree that you also shouldn't just dump and run. I agree Vows mean something. it may sound like I don't from my previous posts. if it does I'm sorry I came off that way. But I will not put personal Happiness below words if the situation is unfixable. Do what you can and need to, but based off her actions thus far, be prepared to walked away if need be. Take the advice from the guys who went through this, not me I got lucky with a good from 1st time around, and don't shrug it off as them telling you to give up.
Hope you here back from the therapists.
I hope you at the very least get the couch time you need. Even if she refuses therapy and this marriage ends up a bust, still go for yourself, work on your self esteem. I'm sure you sick of hearing it, but it's very obvious it's a big issue in your life and a little confidence in yourself can make a world of difference in the way you live your life.

babalu87 said:

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And That's just funnY!

bernerbits said:

I've put in a call to a therapist. If I don't hear back from them today I'll call another one tomorrow and just make my way down the list.

Sorry to spurn the "dump her ass and run" folks. I'm really just not convinced it's unsalvageable at this point.

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This is the best course of action. It is a marriage and until all possible fixes have been tried twice don't give up on it. Things can get better.

OK bernerbits, I just read every single one of your posts in this thread. You should be commended for your extraordinary efforts in this case. Try to resist the urge to be an armchair analyst, however. Unless your wife experiences equally long bouts of crippling depression to go with her bouts of mania (usually lasting several days, weeks, or months, not just several hours), she likely is not suffering from bipolar disorder. Since you mentioned Aunt Flo, it's possible that she is suffering from PMDD, which is basically like PMS during that time of the month only the hormone imbalance is exponentially worse than what is normal and it can lead to wild mood fluctuations including rage and aggression. Of course, all I have is a B.S. in Psychology (well, 2 weeks from now I will ), so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt (i.e., maybe mention it to your marriage counselor as a possibility).

Secondly, you are absolutely taking the right step by initiating couples' therapy. Don't worry about seeking out individual therapy -- a proper couples' therapist will see each member of the couple once or twice to evaulate if individual therapy for one or both of you would be more suitable. If she (or you) does indeed have some mental disorder, the therapist would likely refer you to have that sorted out first, and then engage in couples' therapy afterwards.

As far as your worry that the therapist may side with your wife, it shouldn't happen but it does. One of my professors (who is a female couples' therapist, by the way) recommends that in relationships where the husband is shy or timid and the wife is aggressive and/or very talkative and outspoken (which seems to be the case for you), the couple might do well to seek out a male therapist.

Bottom line, my recommendation to you is to find a male, licensed couples' therapist (with a Ph.D. in clinical or at least counseling psychology) and move forward from there as he recommends. Good luck, and it's very smart of you to try to tackle this so early on in marriage, rather than waiting a decade when all bridges have been burned.

Bottom line, my recommendation to you is to find a male, licensed couples' therapist (with a Ph.D. in clinical or at least counseling psychology) and move forward from there as he recommends.

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Unfortunately, the only male Ph.D marriage counselor I could find doesn't work fridays. And that's my wife's day off. Everyone else is a female LMPC or whatever that one is.

Heh, the first time I heard about PMDD I was like, gee, that sounds... uncanny. I did suggest she ask her OBGYN about Yaz but she went on O3C for a while instead because our insurance covered it. That made her totally batsh1t so we went back to condoms.

I'm not sure how I found it, but I read thru just about every post in here. First, and probably most importantly, I will say I admire your determination. When my exwife (yeah, that makes any advice I offer worthless ) said she wanted a divorce, I only thought I was determined to explore every possible repair before pulling up camp. So lets see....almost 8 years later I'm about ready to try marriage again. This one loves to work, makes decent money, loves me, really loves my daughter, doesn't mind that I drink, take off on the bike a lot, play golf occasionally, and now, brew at least once a month. How cool is that? The ex....she remarried shortly after the divorce, had another child, and now is back in a similar state of misery that she found herself in with me. And I thought it was me all along....crazy a** b***h.

So again, I admire your determination, and that's really all I wanted to add.

Oh, and any chance you can tell me how much that body shot cost? Best place I've found 'em is Coyote Ugly and their about $20. For that kinda coin I'd rather go to a strip club and get a better return on my investment.

Oh, and any chance you can tell me how much that body shot cost?

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No clue because my dad's wife paid for it, but it was coyote ugly.

bernerbits said:

Nice. Do you bust every guy with self esteem issues by telling him you think he has lower self esteem than he thinks? Do you not get that it's a vicious effing cycle and the more self esteem I can convince myself I have, the more I can hang onto in the long run?
......
Did I mention I probably landed a 6-month contract with possibility of hire and a fairly decent pay increase? Don't want to jinx it but does anyone want to at least congratulate me on THAT so I'm not just feeling like an ass for both questioning this relationship AND pissing on all yall's advice?

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OK, I read this ENTIRE post and have come to a couple conclusions.
1. BOTH of you are insecure as f**k - You need constant confirmation that you are a good, decent, hard-working guy that wants to "make it work", and your wife thinks you are some sort of man whore that was sent from hell to torment her about her past issues
2. Counseling is DEFINITELY needed, and I am glad that you are actively pursuing that. Just remember - it takes two!
3. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR FAMILY'S OPINIONS!!!! This is YOUR life and you have to be happy. If you are happy with your wife, GREAT! If you find that it is not going to work, and maybe you would be happier with someone else, then that is YOUR right. Not your family's right.

And just a general statement that I think everyone would agree with... Please DON'T THINK ABOUT HAVING KIDS IN THE NEAR FUTURE!!!! If you stay in this marriage, it will probably happen sometime down the road. But be sure that BOTH of you are happy and SANE first and foremost.

Good luck and God bless brother.

phew. Finally read all the posts!

Okay. This site needs a marriage/relationship sub forum!

You know what you want. You want to stick it out. Only you can decide that. There has to be something that bonds you to her that trumps all insanity.

It took a few pages for it to come out but you finally relayed she certainly has her previous life baggage that is causing/fueling her issues with your relationship. At least you are aware of that. I will not try and compare my own situation to yours other than to comment that at least you have that knowledge. I have difficulty in my marriage but I do not seem to have a full grasp on my wife's own baggage to understnad where she is coming from. Of course it is not up to you or me to address our wives own mental states that contribute to/detract from their ability to bond to us. It is up to them. That is the tough part. We cannot MAKE them address their issues or seek counseling. My wife is reluctant to get counseling though we have done it, she easily lets it slip by the wayside. I would recommend counseling for yourself at the very least. While therapeutic in some ways, the advice, venting you do here will ultimately not provide you the best help for YOUR personal situation. I too have very few close personal friends (I have had them in the past but not currently) and am painfully shy and have difficulty socializing. It is helpful to an extant posting/venting on these interwebby forums but it does not take the place of a real personal face to face human contact. A counselor can help with this. If you find a good counselor at times it will feel like, duh, I could have figured that out on my own, but really you can't. They can at the very least let your problems become clear and cut through all the crap simply by letting you talk your way into that discovery... Okay I did not explain that well. Just try it though.

You don't want us to tell you what you should do and that is good. All the advice/commentary here stems from the fact that this is a very charged emotional situation that most all folks can identify with in their own personal way. Though each person is identifying with THEIR OWN situation.

It took a while (many pages and posts) but you have now made it clear what course of action YOU WANT. So go with that. At first you you did not seem clear what you wanted, thus all the advice based on others experience. Now that you are clear you want to work this through, I say strengthen your resolve, delineate to yourself WHY you want to stick it out. Once you have your reasons firmly laid out in your mind, do what it takes to make it work.

Start with the only person you can change. Yourself. Get what you need to cope and work this out and keep the communication open with your wife. That is the hardest part. Believe me I know... Guess I better go try and reopen communication with my own wife now...