I am an idiot

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WesleyS said:
Well, that's why I'm posting in this thread. I thought this was where all the idiots posted. An open forum to exchange idiotic ideas and experimental brewing techniques often involving various animals. You know, the things they don't cover in the brewing books and teach you in brewing school.
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You're in a friendly place. :fro:
 
Jaehnig said:
How did you get that? Dam turtle is selling itself online to make paint.
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She texted it to me. I tried to tell her to back off, but she just doesn't take no for an answer.
 
WesleyS said:
She texted it to me. I tried to tell her to back off, but she just doesn't take no for an answer.
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What a dirty little sock. It's like no matter how many times I wash my jock strap my primary doesn't seem to accept the waxed turtle.
 
Jaehnig said:
What a dirty little sock. It's like no matter how many times I wash my jock strap my primary doesn't seem to accept the waxed turtle.
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I think we've all been there at one point. Just relax don't worry and have a home turtle brew. By the way the jock strap thing works best for schwarzbier.
 
Obliviousbrew said:
My wife is back she is pregnant of my turtle (turtles are not that slow) what should I do?
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Just toss her in secondary. But first make sure she grows a mustache or else she can't brew. When the turtle baby comes out take it to the next available pint glass and make a black and tan.
 
Turtles are well and good in the brewing process but to really get that zesty turtle flavor you have to muddle a small turtle in the glass just before pouring. Simply delicious.
 
brewingmeister said:
Turtles are well and good in the brewing process but to really get that zesty turtle flavor you have to muddle a small turtle in the glass just before pouring. Simply delicious.
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I prefer to use a mortar and pestle. Thoughts? Anyone?
 
Jaehnig said:
I prefer to use a mortar and pestle. Thoughts? Anyone?
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I use a baseball bat and a five gallon bucket. But that's just the size drinks I like to make. You'll also want to make sure the turtle's family and friends are watching. You know, to send a message that you won't put up with any rebellious turtle uprisings.
 
Well it's true a mortar and pestle is an excellent tool. It requires moving to a separate vessel for serving, thus losing some precious fluids. I think it is best to keep a dedicated muddler just for the turtles. Then the precious juices seep into the wood and make every beverage after the first even more delicious.
 
brewingmeister said:
Well it's true a mortar and pestle is an excellent tool. It requires moving to a separate vessel for serving, thus losing some precious fluids. I think it is best to keep a dedicated muddler just for the turtles. Then the precious juices seep into the wood and make every beverage after the first even more delicious.
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Unless you have a dark crystal, of course. Nothing can extract precious living essence like a dark crystal.

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Hamsterbite said:
Uless you have a dark crystal, of course. Nothing can extract precious living essence like a dark crystal.

ofbjtj.jpg
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My local homebrew supply was out of dark crystals last time I was in. They did tell me however that I could grate the Gelfings and then use a cheese cloth to squeeze out the good bits.
 
b-boy said:
Unless people keep bumping it...:D

Originally Posted by menerdari View Post
Thats probably it, I need to pony up a few bucks and become a paid member,
I am at work right now so a beer is not in my immediate future anyway.
Its just as well, this thread will fade into obscurity in a relatively short time,
Unless people keep bumping it...
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bump :D
 
sonofgrok said:
My local homebrew supply was out of dark crystals last time I was in. They did tell me however that I could grate the Gelfings and then use a cheese cloth to squeeze out the good bits.
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Dark Crystals are so old fashioned. Step into the 15th century already, get yourself a Particle Accelerator and filter with a Black Mirror.
 
If things were always simple and we could attain everything... Then what need would there be for individuality and what what draw the line between you and I as human beings?
 
Jaehnig said:
If things were always simple and we could attain everything... Then what need would there be for individuality and what what draw the line between you and I as human beings?
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The amount of pepper used on the turtle before it's added to primary.
 
What? I go to sleep for a few hours and look what happens. People are already peppering turtles in primary. I thought everyone knew that a mixture of paprika and ginger is what you use for that. You use pepper only if you are also pitching a large starter of rodents.
 
I have a hard time keeping the vinegar in my straining bag so I can easily remove it from the fermenter. Balsamic vinegar maybe?
 
Guys don´t put pepper on your turtle is a well know fact the the interaction of a turtle mucus and some compounds in pepper corn can lead to your wife runing away I´ve learn ir the hard way.
 
My wife ran away with a turtle... once they reached his pond though, I hear she ended up leaving him for a coy fish. That'll teach the bastard.
 
If muddled turtle = delicious awesomeness
And starfish = vinegar rodents
And The meaning of life is 24.32 oz of homebrew.
And the stars at night are big and bright.
And fish don't fry in the kitchen and beans don't burn on the grill.
Then if my primary leaves Boston at 1:00 PM and my secondary leaves Amarillo at 3:00 PM.
When will my primary meet salted turtle and my secondary meet hairy pears?
 
That depends on the second order rate of change of the multi-variable function h=f(x,y,z). Inevitably though you will end up back at 24.32
 
sonofgrok said:
That depends on the second order rate of change of the multi-variable function h=f(x,y,z). Inevitably though you will end up back at 24.32
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I was afraid of that. Oh well, on to my next problem.
 
So I wanted to make a budweiser clone.
I bought a Clydesdale and fed him a pound of barley and 30 pounds of rice. I let him sniff a hop pellet. He licked it a little bit but not much. then he drank a bunch of water.
Now I have my bottling bucket ready and am waiting for nature to take its course.
 
So the O.G. Of my Sparkling Turtle Ale ended up as 1.073267. After I added my gerbil starter and let it sit for a week and 1/8th my gravity was 1.0894. Did my gerbil starter actually have a reverse effect? Did I use too much salami on my sandwich?
 
Jaehnig said:
So the O.G. Of my Sparkling Turtle Ale ended up as 1.073267. After I added my gerbil starter and let it sit for a week and 1/8th my gravity was 1.0894. Did my gerbil starter actually have a reverse effect? Did I use too much salami on my sandwich?
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Wow, I'm surprised no one helped you with this. I think your looking in the wrong place for the problem. The real question is how much coffee did you put in your pasta water?
 
This thread must not die! If it reaches 600 posts I'll do something I thought I'd never do. I'll brew an......IPA! I am not a fan of IPAs, but when the 600 post mark is reached I'll brew a big ol fat flippin Double Black IPA!
Then I'll drink every last bit of it and be forced to love it.
And I'll post a video of me drinking it from the keg with a silly straw on the spinning teacups ride at a carnival!
Well maybe not that last part, but I'll brew the beer........minus turtles though.
 

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