Permission

I just have to get it off my chest.

<RANT>
Every time I open a post that starts with "My wife (SWMBO, GF, etc.) gave me permission to..." a little bit of me dies inside. I have to admit, I actually get a little angry. Then it subsides and I just feel sorry for the opener of the post. I know that some of it is in jest, but some of these guys are serious!

Really? Permission? Are you under the age of 18 and where you pushed from betwixt her loins? Otherwise I find it inexcusable. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Like a teeter-totter that wobbles every now and then, but always settles back at horizontal.

For those in a stable relationship who just say it for fun, please ignore (even knowing that I will still become red-faced when I read it!). For those who are serious: Grow a set. I have seen similar behavior in people I know, too, when the significant other goes off like a bomb in their face for no good reason and they just sit there and take it. Unacceptable behavior. I would take that for about 3 seconds before delivering a fervent "f!#k off".

I think that I will raise a beer tonight to those fallen and castrated comrades. Did it hurt when she took your balls, or did it happen so gradually that you didn't even notice they were gone?

Disclaimer: Although I am not married, I have been in a committed monogamous relationship to the same girl for over 7 years. Just so you know where I stand...

Now that this is all typed up, I realize that it is none of my business and it isn't my place to speak up. Oh, what the hell... Clicks Submit New Thread...

</RANT>

I think sometimes the "permission" thing is more to invoke a common bond between men.

I mean seriously, I know guys who have to ask permission to buy brewing ingredients and have to hid beer purchases from the SWMBO (yep, might be missing a pair).

On the same note, if you go out and buy $300 worth of new equipment and that $300 might have an impact on your budget, then you might want to get "permission". Which might not be the SWMBO actually saying yes, you have my permission, but more along the lines of "yeah baby, we can't afford that this payday, or go ahead and do it, now is a good time."


My SWMBO gave me permission to answer this thread.

In many situations joint finances = joint decision when it comes to spending.

Tonedef131 said:

In many situations joint finances = joint decision when it comes to spending.

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Yeah, that's what I was trying to say, but with more words. :cross:

Speaking as one of those men you seem to detest, I think that it was a bad move on my part to submit a post that related to this topic. I figured there were others here who had similar experiences and it was meant to be nothing more than a vent to peers about my frustration. BUT there were a LOT of really bad knee-jerk reactions brimming with hate and detestation over something that had nothing to do with them. A little over-reactive methinks, especially when you're implying or assuming specific details to a relatively small thread. I won't be making that mistake again, but seriously, some people in here really need to take a moment and think about what they're typing. I suspect a lot of it is coming from personal experience and is being projected at the OP. But that's nothing more than a hunch. I could be wrong. It's happened before.

McKBrew said:

I think sometimes the "permission" thing is more to invoke a common bond between men.

I mean seriously, I know guys who have to ask permission to buy brewing ingredients and have to hid beer purchases from the SWMBO (yep, might be missing a pair).

On the same note, if you go out and buy $300 worth of new equipment and that $300 might have an impact on your budget, then you might want to get "permission". Which might not be the SWMBO actually saying yes, you have my permission, but more along the lines of "yeah baby, we can't afford that this payday, or go ahead and do it, now is a good time."


My SWMBO gave me permission to answer this thread.

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Agreed. I tried to make that understanding apparent. I hope I did...

I really advocate having a budget, and making sure to give yourself some spending money in that budget. That way you or her can spend that little bit on whatever you want, but the rest is allocated for bills/savings/expenses.

SmugMug said:

Speaking as one of those men you seem to detest, I think that it was a bad move on my part to submit a post that related to this topic. I figured there were others here who had similar experiences and it was meant to be nothing more than a vent to peers about my frustration. BUT there were a LOT of really bad knee-jerk reactions brimming with hate and detestation over something that had nothing to do with them. A little over-reactive methinks, especially when you're implying or assuming specific details to a relatively small thread. I won't be making that mistake again, but seriously, some people in here really need to take a moment and think about what they're typing. I suspect a lot of it is coming from personal experience and is being projected at the OP. But that's nothing more than a hunch. I could be wrong. It's happened before.

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I don't detest you! Don't even know you! If you in a situation like I described, but are happy, then kudos. If you are unhappy, then... well... not much more to be said!

conpewter said:

I really advocate having a budget, and making sure to give yourself some spending money in that budget. That way you or her can spend that little bit on whatever you want, but the rest is allocated for bills/savings/expenses.

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A surefire plan for success! Pay the bills, save for the future, and set aside a balanced amount of discretionary money.

I think "permission" just means "agreement" for most guys. Like it was stated before, any big purchases should be approved by the budget committe unless the guy makes all the money in the household.

Here's how my budget meeting goes:

Me: Ok, I "need" to get some homebrew stuff
SWMBO: Oh yeah, what are you getting?
Me: Stocking up on some hops, another tap for the kegerator,and a CO2 manifold.
SWMBO: How much is that going to cost?
Me: Less than $150
SWMBO: Do we have the money?
Me: Yep, just did the budget and we've got plenty of misc.
SWMBO: Ok, I want to get some stuff for the yard and an outdoor rug.
Me: Ok, keep it under $200.


DONE and DONE!

SmugMug said:

but seriously, some people in here really need to take a moment and think about what they're typing. .

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Woah, must have missed the thread that spurred this.

As an add-on to what you just said. People also need to look at which forum something is in before getting worked up , and don't type something that you know for a fact is going to cause you to be teased, ridiculed, etc... if the response you get is going to bother you.

There are also things where, if you DON'T get permission, you're getting a divorce - like buying a motorcycle.

It's all give-and-take. the_Wife called me today about a netbook that she wants to buy, she's not going to *just buy it* any more than I would just drop a couple hundred bucks on beer gear or bring home a motorcycle without letting her know what was up. It's just being considerate for each other and for the family as a whole.

conpewter said:

I really advocate having a budget, and making sure to give yourself some spending money in that budget. That way you or her can spend that little bit on whatever you want, but the rest is allocated for bills/savings/expenses.

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Absolutely, budget comes first...and decide how much savings you want to set aside BEFORE buying toys!

"You have to tell your money where to go, or you'll never know where it all went." -Dave Ramsey

TwoHeadsBrewing said:

any big purchases should be approved by the budget committe unless the guy makes all the money in the household.

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I don't see how this comes into the equation at all. Are you saying that if the wife does not work you shouldn't have to run significant purchases through her?

everything you read on the internet is true ... jeeze lighten the f up

It's all about consequences. Getting permission from SWMBO really means that you can do what you want while still having the possibility of sex later on in the...year. I may go out and buy that $3000 bicycle I've been eying, but there will be consequences, much like everything in life.

Something changes when you sign that marriage certificate, man. I lived with my wife for 2 years before we got married, and oh yes, things changed. You'll think it won't happen to you, but it will.

EDIT: Holy crap there were a lot of posts between when I started typing and finished.

Tonedef131 said:

I don't see how this comes into the equation at all. Are you saying that if the wife does not work you shouldn't have to run significant purchases through her?

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That's just the way I would do things. If my wife didn't work, there is no way I'd be asking for consensus on brewing purchases. If I made all the money and do all budget activities, then I AM the budget committee.

TwoHeadsBrewing said:

I think "permission" just means "agreement" for most guys. Like it was stated before, any big purchases should be approved by the budget committe unless the guy makes all the money in the household.

Here's how my budget meeting goes:

Me: Ok, I "need" to get some homebrew stuff
SWMBO: Oh yeah, what are you getting?
Me: Stocking up on some hops, another tap for the kegerator,and a CO2 manifold.
SWMBO: How much is that going to cost?
Me: Less than $150
SWMBO: Do we have the money?
Me: Yep, just did the budget and we've got plenty of misc.
SWMBO: Ok, I want to get some stuff for the yard and an outdoor rug.
Me: Ok, keep it under $200.


DONE and DONE!

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Sounds like a good process. That is not the bad kind of "permission"!

The bad kind is like:
Him: Hey baby, I want to head North with the guys to ride quads.
Her: Um, I don't know... I was thinking of sitting on the couch this weekend and watching the cat do stuff. I want you to stay home with me.
Him: Um... Ok... whatever you want.

That is what gets under my skin!

I think that if I did whatever I wanted, spent what I wanted anytime I wanted, etc. with no regards for my wife, I'd be a pretty crappy husband. I get the go ahead from her when I'm going to do something. That doesn't mean she doesn't run things past me in the same way. It's called a marriage. I've had a very happy one for 13 years. Buying a kegerator when she's trying to get the cable bill paid would work against that.

the_bird said:

There are also things where, if you DON'T get permission, you're getting a divorce - like buying a motorcycle.

It's all give-and-take. the_Wife called me today about a netbook that she wants to buy, she's not going to *just buy it* any more than I would just drop a couple hundred bucks on beer gear or bring home a motorcycle without letting her know what was up. It's just being considerate for each other and for the family as a whole.

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Wise words, bird.

Just wait until you get married tough guy!

the_bird said:

There are also things where, if you DON'T get permission, you're getting a divorce - like buying a motorcycle.

It's all give-and-take. the_Wife called me today about a netbook that she wants to buy, she's not going to *just buy it* any more than I would just drop a couple hundred bucks on beer gear or bring home a motorcycle without letting her know what was up. It's just being considerate for each other and for the family as a whole.

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Exactly. No one's balls are in a freezer here (well at least probably not very many). I want to grow hops at the house, my wife thinks that our bible thumping neighbors will think that it's pot, so she doesn't like the idea and we can't come to an agreement.

According to you does that mean I need to grow a pair and just do it anyway? That doesn't sound like a relationship with much mutual respect to me.

I agree with other posts above. It's give and take. If my wife wants to buy a bunch of flower pots for the deck, she doesn't just go get them. She asks me what I think about it and wants my opinion. If I don't agree, then we don't make the purchase. If I do agree she might call that 'getting permission'. I think that's what most guys are referring to when they say that they got 'permission' or 'SWMBO let me...'.

conpewter said:

I really advocate having a budget, and making sure to give yourself some spending money in that budget. That way you or her can spend that little bit on whatever you want, but the rest is allocated for bills/savings/expenses.

Click to expand...

Winner winner chicken dinner!

I actually have her deal with the $$ shes better at it than I am...I like to spend

TwoHeadsBrewing said:

That's just the way I would do things. If my wife didn't work, there is no way I'd be asking for consensus on brewing purchases. If I made all the money and do all budget activities, then I AM the budget committee.

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I suppose there is room for opinion here, as there is pretty much anywhere. If my wife didn't work because she stayed home to raise our children, then as far as I'm concerned she has a job and is part of the committee. If she doesn't work just because she doesn't have/want to, then in that case she is not. My opinion.

ohiobrewtus said:

Exactly. No one's balls are in a freezer here (well at least probably not very many). I want to grow hops at the house, my wife thinks that our bible thumping neighbors will think that it's pot, so she doesn't like the idea and we can't come to an agreement.

According to you does that mean I need to grow a pair and just do it anyway? That doesn't sound like a relationship with much mutual respect to me.

I agree with other posts above. It's give and take. If my wife wants to buy a bunch of flower pots for the deck, she doesn't just go get them. She asks me what I think about it and wants my opinion. If I don't agree, then we don't make the purchase. If I do agree she might call that 'getting permission'. I think that's what most guys are referring to when they say that they got 'permission' or 'SWMBO let me...'.

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Agree. That is the good sort of "permission". Checks and balances. It is the controlling sort that bugs me.

Aleforge said:

Just wait until you get married tough guy!

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We'll see...

I think we all joke about it a LOT more than it actually exists. It's like the whole "SWMBO" thing; I don't think anyone actually has a wife who MUST BE OBEYED! (other than Yooper's husband ), and the couple of times when someone does seem to have a controlling wife/GF (like the dude whose gf was going through his browser history), they get called on it pretty quickly.

phillc said:

A surefire plan for success! Pay the bills, save for the future, and set aside a balanced amount of discretionary money.

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Exactly. The other twist I added to the budget is that we budget based off our salary income. If I fix something up and sell it I get to keep that cash. Also she sometimes works extra (Bus duty) that is not part of her regular salary, so she kept that. I got a bonus recently and I kept part of that (equal to the amount she'd made in bus duty). It's all about discussion and being a good husband/wife.

As for hops... my backyard has tons of them, she's fine with the 18' trellis and huge garden, the neighbors don't seem to mind. Our property, I'll grow whatever legal plants I want

the_bird said:

I think we all joke about it a LOT more than it actually exists. It's like the whole "SWMBO" thing; I don't think anyone actually has a wife who MUST BE OBEYED! (other than Yooper's husband ), and the couple of times when someone does seem to have a controlling wife/GF (like the dude whose gf was going through his browser history), they get called on it pretty quickly.

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Comforting thoughts!

lol, this is why I will never be married. Outside from certain things at werk, I won't ask permission from anyone to do a goddamn thing.

I will never have a joint bank account with anyone. I would need a prenuptial agreement before ever getting into a relationship where children or property were involved...besides the fact that I don't believe in marriage to begin with.

phillc said:

The bad kind is like:
Him: Hey baby, I want to head North with the guys to ride quads.
Her: Um, I don't know... I was thinking of sitting on the couch this weekend and watching the cat do stuff. I want you to stay home with me.
Him: Um... Ok... whatever you want.

That is what gets under my skin!

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I totally understand what you're talking about. But most of the times it isn't like this as everyone's already said.
I "ask permission" in a sense that she handles the money and knows when we can afford what. I still know our account balances, but she pays the bills so is aware of whats coming up when. Not because my balls are in a jar on here desk at work, but because that what works for us. If I was managing the money, I'd have a lot more fun, but no savings account.

phillc said:

I just have to get it off my chest.

<RANT>
Every time I open a post that starts with "My wife (SWMBO, GF, etc.) gave me permission to..." a little bit of me dies inside. I have to admit, I actually get a little angry. Then it subsides and I just feel sorry for the opener of the post. I know that some of it is in jest, but some of these guys are serious!

Really? Permission? Are you under the age of 18 and where you pushed from betwixt her loins? Otherwise I find it inexcusable. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Like a teeter-totter that wobbles every now and then, but always settles back at horizontal.

For those in a stable relationship who just say it for fun, please ignore (even knowing that I will still become red-faced when I read it!). For those who are serious: Grow a set. I have seen similar behavior in people I know, too, when the significant other goes off like a bomb in their face for no good reason and they just sit there and take it. Unacceptable behavior. I would take that for about 3 seconds before delivering a fervent "f!#k off".

I think that I will raise a beer tonight to those fallen and castrated comrades. Did it hurt when she took your balls, or did it happen so gradually that you didn't even notice they were gone?

Disclaimer: Although I am not married, I have been in a committed monogamous relationship to the same girl for over 7 years. Just so you know where I stand...

Now that this is all typed up, I realize that it is none of my business and it isn't my place to speak up. Oh, what the hell... Clicks Submit New Thread...



</RANT>

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I was being sarcastic in first response .... But how in the hell does this make you mad? Does it effect you in the least maybe you see something that you fear ?

all I read is chest thomping in your post ... get over it

springer said:

I was being sarcastic in first response .... But how in the hell does this make you mad? Does it effect you in the least maybe you see something that you fear ?

all I read is chest thomping in your post ... get over it

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Just feeling the pain of my fellow man, I suppose.

the_bird said:

There are also things where, if you DON'T get permission, you're getting a divorce - like buying a motorcycle.

It's all give-and-take. the_Wife called me today about a netbook that she wants to buy, she's not going to *just buy it* any more than I would just drop a couple hundred bucks on beer gear or bring home a motorcycle without letting her know what was up. It's just being considerate for each other and for the family as a whole.

Click to expand...

That's kind of how life is for us, too. We agree on all bigger purchases, and no one has more input that the other. I definitely don't agree that the person who makes the most money gets the bigger input! If I make less money because we've agreed that there are so many benefits to me working part time (or not at all), why should I lose my say-so in the financial picture just because I'm no longer making 75K? It was a mutual decision for me to adjust my work schedule to accomodate our family, home, pets, and lifestyle. I put away money for our mutual retirement, our two homes, our four cars. I still get to have an opinion!

Yesterday we were driving down a side road, and there sat a big beautiful greenhouse with a "for sale" sign. ( I do NOT garden! That's Bob's hobby). I said, "Whoa! Stop!" and we looked at it. We talked it over, and Bob decided not to get it. We came home, and he kept trying to talk himself out of wanting it. I told him that if we can afford it, that he should get it. Finally, we drove back there and handed the guy the $900. It's being delivered on Thursday.

As I helped with making the foundation, I joked that I might have spent that much on brewing, but never all at once. He looked at me, and said, "You know, I never even thought of that. I never even considered making it 'even', I just always wanted a greenhouse." And that's how marriage is. No thoughts to making it even, or to count dollars spent on hobbies. Just give and take and with consideration to the other person's happiness. Of course, we are pretty secure financially so that makes a big difference. We're both very thrifty as a rule, so we don't make big purchases very often. When we do, it's always with input from the other.

I think it's important to be able to spend small sums on whatever, though. Like, anything under $100 should just be "free" and no explanations needed.

lol, nice avatar.

My beef with sharing expenses and sharing income is that it is never equal. Many people can deal with this and discuss issues, but I see far too many of my friends that simply get drained by their girlfriends and/or wives. The same works the other way, those worthless guys that attach to a girl that has money and just leech off of her.

Now, if someone is watching the kids, managing finances, doing the shopping, preparing the meals, mowing the lawn, repairing the vehicles, etc...those things should definitely all count towards something and as yoop said, that is their agreement. But when I see some person whining because they want something and they don't have a job or any responsibilities, I think that person should get kicked out of the house. I also think they should be fixed so they can never have children.

DeathBrewer said:

lol, nice avatar.

My beef with sharing expenses and sharing income is that it is never equal. Many people can deal with this and discuss issues, but I see far too many of my friends that simply get drained by their girlfriends and/or wives. The same works the other way, those worthless guys that attach to a girl that has money and just leech off of her.

Now, if someone is watching the kids, managing finances, doing the shopping, preparing the meals, mowing the lawn, repairing the vehicles, etc...those things should definitely all count towards something and as yoop said, that is their agreement. But when I see some person whining because they want something and they don't have a job or any responsibilities, I think that person should get kicked out of the house. I also think they should be fixed so they can never have children.

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I agree with all of this.
It's funny. When me and my wife first got our house, she was very against "woman's work" and "man's work". But then she realized, I may not do laundry or dishes very often, but she has also mowed the grass 1/2 times (ran out of gas half way through and refilled the oil with gas) and not done any repairs in the house. It's turned to your stereotypical Womans work and Mans work now just through which things she takes on and I take on, but not because of the stereotypes. I keep the house standing and functional, she keeps it clean and pretty. With exceptions of course. And since our paycut we make pretty identical money within maybe $50 a paycheck. I would lvoe to spend more than I'm "allowed", but I also enjoy not being in a tight spot when unexpected stuff comes up and being able to randomly buy a camper when a bug bites us in the ass. If it were up to me, I'd have a brew magic system, and scraping pennies to eat ramen in the dark and driving to the public library for internet

IrregularPulse said:

. If it were up to me, I'd have a brew magic system, and scraping pennies to eat ramen in the dark and driving to the public library for internet

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that is a great Idea!! LMAO!!! i wonder how long I would have to eat Ramen for in order to pull it off... j/k....Someday Sabco...Someday

Get a bag of frozen vegetables, some onions, bell peppers and a bottle of Sriracha hot sauce, and you can turn ramen into a wonderful meal!

My Dad's statement on how Mom thinks about the money: "What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours."

Ah marriage. At least my wife likes beer; at least once a week while drinking one of my homebrews she'll randomly say "I love your hobby."

Kass_Brauhaus said:

My Dad's statement on how Mom thinks about the money: "What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours."

Ah marriage. At least my wife likes beer; at least once a week while drinking one of my homebrews she'll randomly say "I love your nobby."

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fixed it for ya