Beer curses needed

Some jerk stole my Northern Brewer package of grains and yeast off of my front porch today. I've never had any packages stolen off of my front porch, until today. And they stole a whole bunch of grains and yeast? What a stupid package to steal. Honey Brown Ale recipe, and I was planning to brew on Saturday, if you must know. I guess I'm going to have to go to the local HBS's, but I don't know if they'll have amber malt.

So obviously the person or persons responsible need to have the Beer Gods smite them for their sacrilege. I need some help coming up with an appropriate curse to put on them.

"May all of your beers be skunky and you have terriffic hangovers until the day you die" just doesn't seem to be cutting it.

May his/her friends enjoy the resultant spoils of said beer finery...

and suffer lifetime digestive consequences for friend's said indescretion...

Bastards! Sorry to hear about your missing goods.

"Oh Saint Arnold, patron saint of brewers & hop growers, hear us in our time of need. Our yeast & grains have been stolen by uncouth heathens, thus leaving us bereft of our beloved and most holy brew. We beg thee, oh Saint Arnold, to cause the heathen perpetrator to develop celiac disease & a sorghum allergy so that he may no longer partake of the holy brewers communion. We beseech thee to inflict arthritis upon his thieving hands in the most excruciating way, so that he may no longer defile the sanctity of our beloved brewing supplies in their humble packages. And we pray with great humility that our meager local homebrew supply shop has amber malt in stock and on sale so that we may honor you with our humble and ongoing attempts at acheiving brewing perfection this Friday, yea, and on EVERY day that we may be fortunate enough to brew our most beloved beer. Hear our prayers Saint Arnold & deliver unto us justice, supplies & great beer. Amen."

Regards, GF.

I can see it now.....
"Damn: i jacked this huge heavy package from my neighbors porch and all it had was some health food or something in it. I think he makes his own flour and bread, look at this yeast stuff..."

Can you post that Honey Brown recipe? I just had a box of ingredients accidentally delivered to my house and I think they'd be perfect for that!

MZRIS said:

I can see it now.....
"Damn: i jacked this huge heavy package from my neighbors porch and all it had was some health food or something in it. I think he makes his own flour and bread, look at this yeast stuff..."

Click to expand...

I've heard of people stealing delivered packages of hops, which must have been REALLY frustrating when they tried to smoke 'em.

"What the **** kind of synthetic weed is this ****?!?"!"

Since UPS didn't get a signature for it, make a claim and NB will have to send a new one.
UPS has some neighborhoods where they can and do leave packages. However, if it happens too often in one area, then they will no longer leave them.
We had a driver years ago that would leave a note on the front door telling whoever could see the note that he left it behind a garbage can. DUH, directions!

Gratus fermentatio: Thank you very much for the well-crafted curse. You must have a lot of practice with these things.

Homercidal: Oh, you are sooo funny.

Beer-lord: Thanks for the advice on claiming the package. I would have chalked it up to a loss, but I decided to claim it and see what happens.

Short version:
Contact the seller and have them file the claim that it was not delivered. That will save you a lot of time and frustration. And it turns out that my neighbors aren't thieves after all - UPS was dumb and they said they delivered the package when they did not.

Long version:
First, I went to the UPS website and typed in the tracking number and tried to claim it as "lost / never delivered." Then they wanted me to create a user account. [sigh] Sure, fine. Then, after typing in the tracking number again, they wanted me to type in where the package originated and where it was going to. "Whaaa? But...I gave you the tracking number! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS INFORMATION?"

After finding the home address of Northern Brewer and typing that in (hoping that that's where they actually shipped the package from) and then typing my own address in, UPS basically said. "Well...since you're not the sender of the package...there's not a lot we can tell you...but we'll look into it and get back to you."

What a waste of time. So I call Northern Brewer and talk to a rather helpful guy and he says he'll put the claim in to UPS for me.

The next day my package is sitting on my doorstep. Apparently, UPS screwed up and said that they delivered my package on Tuesday when in actuality they delivered it on Thursday. There was a nice forklift fork gash in the box, but the contents were intact. Fortunately the weather was rather mild so I don't think the yeasts were too stressed out. Lord only knows how hot the UPS warehouse / delivery truck was. I made a starter on Friday night and by pitching time on Saturday a small amount of krausen was beginning to form.

The brew day went off without a hitch and today, one day later, the yeasts are happily creating snowstorms in their carboys in 11 gallons of freshly brewed honey brown ale wort. All is right with the world.

I was gonna suggest putting up flyers in the neighborhood to guilt trip the thieves, or scare them a bit.

Some kind of "please return my grain and water samples from Fukushima. I must test them for radioactivity for the good people of Japan" or even a "please return my service dog's medicated food. If he doesn't get his medication, the Leprotic Encephalopathy will flement and he will die."