Marriage counseling advice

Has any of you ever went. Did it help? Advice on seeking one?

Do your research before committing to a counselor. I went to two of them. The first was a woman who was determined to use my drinking (at that point 6-8 beers a week) as the main reason for all of our problems. She didn't last too long, even my wife thought she was nuts. My second one had a much more realistic take on our problems and helped us work through them. I'm proud to say we've been been married for almost seven years, and our marriage seems to be getting stronger and stronger. I would definitely recommend seeing one first if you're having a few problems. It's nothing to be ashamed of, sometimes an outsiders unbiased prospective is all that is needed.

I have no experience or advice, but it is inappropriate to applaud you (and your wife) for taking the first steps?

Me and my wife got lucky. The first one we saw (a woman) was amazing and really helped our relationship. Like Wus67 said, I feel that our marriage got stronger during and after the sessions. I highly recommend going to one.

I have looked into before. Do your research! The cheaper ones are fresh out of school. If you go to church, alot of them prodvide Marriage counseling for members for free. (imho that would be best) In my situation, things was getting so bad. I filed for divorce before we could go see a counseler. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I feel it was the best thing for me in the long run. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

I went before my divorce, so obviously you know the outcome.

The first was chosen based on where she was located and my insurance. We only went twice. At the second visit, she very nicely told my wife that it was plainly obvious that compromise was not her strong point. That was the last time we saw her.

The second was a recommendation from her mother, and ended up being a complete setup to get me to walk away. As soon as I realized that (took me 5 minutes in the guy's office), I walked out and mentally prepared myself for battle.

That said, I am happily re-married and would do anything necessary to keep my current relationship healthy.

My recommendation is to look for "preservation of marriage" (I believe that's the term they use, its been awhile) counselors. Those counselors commit to 1 goal: fixing your marriage. They aren't looking to just be a kind ear or referee. They are there to help you fix your problems no matter how tough they are.

Best of luck!

When my ex and I had problems, I used an attorney for my counselor!

But your wife probably hasn't done the things that my ex did.
I wish you the best and hope it all works out.

45_70sharps said:

When my ex and I had problems, I used an attorney for my counselor!

But your wife probably hasn't done the things that my ex did.
I wish you the best and hope it all works out.

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Yeah, a buddy of mine's wife tried to kill him with a ball-peen hammer while he was sleeping a few years back. That's a sure sign that it's probably too late for the counselor if you ask me but believe it or not they are still together.

So I guess my point is hang in there if you think she's worth it and good luck!

headbanger said:

Yeah, a buddy of mine's wife tried to kill him with a ball-peen hammer while he was sleeping a few years back. That's a sure sign that it's probably too late for the counselor if you ask me but believe it or not they are still together.

So I guess my point is hang in there if you think she's worth it and good luck!

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Wow! Your buddy may need counseling if he is still with a woman who tried killing him.

Counseling maybe worth it for the OP, Assuming no one's tried killing anyone.
If you think it can be made to work you need to work hard on it now.
I have seen a lot of couples that split up and then got back together.
Some of them made it on the second try, but I have not seen any where things were good like they should be.

I suppose my point to that is if it's worth saving, put the work in before you guys end up split up. The odds aren't nearly as good after you've made it to the point of splitting.

Other than that the only other thing I can say is if there is any incident that caused a lack of trust, I wouldn't have very high hopes of things ever being good again.

45_70sharps said:

Wow! Your buddy may need counseling if he is still with a woman who tried killing him.

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Oh there is no question about that.

Set the bar very low. Take comfort in the fact that while you may need a marriage councelor, you havent managed to piss your wife off into a murderous rage...

I'm all for counselors if you are both ready to be completely honest. I say that because I was not completely honest about my problems and it took another 4 years before things were all out in the open. 4 years wasted.

That said, is this turning into Facebook?

Watch Hope Springs.

Jon73 said:

That said, is this turning into Facebook?

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If it were I would de-friend you for asking that question.

CreamyGoodness said:

Set the bar very low. Take comfort in the fact that while you may need a marriage councelor, you havent managed to piss your wife off into a murderous rage...

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The OP never said that and I also forgot to mention that the afore-mentioned also lost a nipple in the struggle that ensued!

Still good advise though Creamy, I concur.

Good God.

SWMBO and I have sought out counseling a couple of times. The first was in our second year of marriage. Suffice it to say we didn't know how to argue with each other constructively. I wouldn't say we were on the brink of divorce at that point, but our relationship wasn't especially healthy either. The second occasion was very recent. We've been married 8 years and in that time we started to grow apart. I'm not sure either of us learned how to balance parenting and being companions after our son was born. She was all about baby and I was just some guy that helped out. The point was that we wanted to save our marriage but knew we were not equipped to handle the situation ourselves. There's absolutely no shame in seeing a counselor. It's amazing how much you'll learn about yourself and your spouse when you can actively listen to each other. The counselor was like a translator in our first couple of sessions. That being said, don't be afraid to shop around to find the person you trust and are comfortable with. I'm happy to say that our marriage has done a 180 from where we started. We still go every now and then for "wellness" checks on our own accord.

I dont know about couples's therapy, but I do know therapy (shocker for you all I am sure). It's a lot like tuning your car. Why would we constantly upkeep a machine but one of the most important aspects of our lives? That's my two cents.

headbanger said:

I also forgot to mention that the afore-mentioned also lost a nipple in the struggle that ensued!

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DAMN! He needs a divorce lawyer and maybe a prosecutor instead of a counsel.

It may be difficult to find one that suits both of you, and yet helps. So if the first time you don't feel comfortable with that counseling, don't be afraid to look for another one.

I went during my first marriage, but our problems (he has some mental health issues like bi-polar) couldn't be fixed. It did help a lot during out divorce- we actually went through "divorce counseling" to help him deal with it.

Guys I just read all the posts and I thank everyone for the advice. I believe we will give it a go. The wife has always refused to go because our biggest problem is communication She likes to get mad for days And not discuss our problems. She refuses to talk. I wanna settle it. It doesnt work. I told her tue night that I wanted to separate. And I pretty much unloaded on her that I'm tired of the constant bitching. I told her the only way I will continue with our marriage is if we got a professional involved. I've found 3. Starting with one at a friends church after Christmas. I will be fun around the holiday table :/

Again, I applaud you. It takes a lot of strength to admit you need help.

Good job lex. It's worth fighting for. Feel free to vent here as necessary. We're not professionals, but we're willing to listen at least. And you'll get no shortage of opinions

I hope for the best for you.

Good luck. We went after about a year and a half of marriage and I was all against it thinking everything was fine. She was all bitchy too so signed herself to counseling. Then I joined her for a few sessions. Yep. Stormed out after one (last one I went to) and ended up drinking in a field afterwards shooting things most the night. But it takes determination, forgiveness, and love and you can work through anything.

It's hard but can be done.

As guys, we like to fix things, it's kind of what guys do. As hard as it is to admit, there are some things we can't fix. Not by ourselves, anyway.
I think a lot of times when we say "We need to sit down and talk about(or solve) our problems" it is our way to try and "fix" things. The problem is that we are more than likely clueless as to what the issues really are.

Asking questions like "What can I do for you?" or "What do you need from me?" will usually lead to better results. My two cents worth.

My wife and I have been in counseling for a while now. The main thing is to find someone you both are comfortable with. Not a real easy task but at this point you may be better off finding someone your wife is comfortable with. Strange as it seems, my wife and I are seeing different counselors. That works for us, you just need to find what works for you and your wife.

Congratulations on taking the first step, it's not always easy or pleasant but worth it in the long run.

I hope for the best for both of you.

Along with the counseling I might recommend a book.

Love and Respect

It comes from a Christian perspective, and that may not be everyone's thing, but the principles are still sound and if applied have great results.

Never went. But I bought my wife a book on anger she hit me with it.

chefmatthew said:

Never went. But I bought my wife a book on anger she hit me with it.

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I did laugh when I read this!

brewswellwithothers said:

Along with the counseling I might recommend a book.

Love and Respect

It comes from a Christian perspective, and that may not be everyone's thing, but the principles are still sound and if applied have great results.

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Yes, definitely a great read. Solid and practical.

Or, you could procrastinate - talk about it and never go - until the week before Christmas she leaves you...


me

Hang Glider said:

Or, you could procrastinate - talk about it and never go - until the week before Christmas she leaves you...


me

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Sorry. Did that just happen or was it in a previous year?

yesterday she came back to pick up her things...
thanks for asking. even across the internet it means something. All the friends go with the girl.

Terribly sorry to hear it Hang. Feeble as that might be.

if your just thinking about it your taking a huge step in the right direction I hope your Christian this would help understand what God thinks of marriage and you two working it out. BTDT it is worth it
if after two sessions all they do is listen look for some one else your dog will do that for free.

Hang Glider said:

yesterday she came back to pick up her things...
thanks for asking. even across the internet it means something. All the friends go with the girl.

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I am so sorry to hear that.
What cold timing.

You will find not all the friends go with her, when you're down, you'll find out who your real friends are. The ones you can ALWAYS count on. Remember them when you get through this.

Stay tough

My wife and I to a counseling. We got lucky though. She was awesome. It took 3 different ones before we found one that helped. All I can say is don't settle for the first one. If it's uncomfortable then it is not going to work....

Hang Glider said:

yesterday she came back to pick up her things...
thanks for asking. even across the internet it means something. All the friends go with the girl.

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Oh, no! I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know it's not much, but we're here for you in the only way your "imaginary friends" can be. Let me know if you need to "talk". Geez, I'm sorry.

Thanks, Lorena.

thanks for all the support, folks! Best of luck to you Lex990 - (didn't mean to hijack)