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Some good ones...

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

Today, I was training for a sales associate job at a local department store (sitting in front of a computer watching videos about the rules). Six and a half hours into the eight hour long training period, the manager comes up and tells me I put the wrong CD in. FML

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a mars bar. I said that would be great and she proceeded to throw one at me, catching me off guard. The mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML
only for the last line.

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and proceeded to sing " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

Today, we were visiting my great-grandma, who has Alzheimer’s. We spent most of the day with her and she didn't know who we all were. Time came for us to leave so when I gave her a hug good-bye, she whispered into my ear, "You're my type." FML
Hot
 
Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed.

Great site.
 
In similar spirit of "Text from last night".

FMyLife - FML : Your everyday life stories.

That's great, I've been switching between the two all day, haven't got a damn thing done today.

"Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I having sex. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML"
 
Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. Randomly, she confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping in the dog world meant dominance. Well, I decided to instill my dominance and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" and then my mom walked in. FML
asdfghjkl;'
 
Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML




1234567890
 
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML
ilikepiesalot
 
Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML

Certainly has a sense of humor - and some more trauma:

Today, my dad got really drunk. When I was about to go to bed, he was just coming out of the bathroom, he was fully naked, I immediately turned away and said "Okay Dad, time for bed". Thinking that I was my mum, he replied with "That's right *****, I'm your daddy, I'll show you in bed". FML
 
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Who was it?
 
Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having terrible sex for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML

ouch

Today, we were running late for school so my mum shouted at me to hurry up and get in the car. I put my school bags in the boot of the car and my mum drove off. It wasn't until she got to my school and told me to get out that she realised I wasn't there. FML

OUCH

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

OOOWWWWEEEEEEE!

and the home run...

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having more sex than me and my wife. FML

At least it wasnt his daughers phone :eek::D
 
i'msobadatsex - because we all are

I was on my period and my boyfriend was horny so he convinced me to do anal. It was going alright, but needed a little lubrication, so he decided some spit would do the trick. He pulled out and went in to spit, as he did this he spread my checks, which in turn caused me to fart…directly in his mouth. I’m so bad at sex.

Yesterday I realized that it has been over a month since I had any form of sexual activity. Due to finals and hard-core studying I didn’t even care to masturbate for about a week. When I got home I decided to call “an old friend” to help me relieve some stress. My parents were out for dinner so we chilled in the TV-room. Soon enough we started hooking up and after a few minutes she began going down on me. The girl was an absolute pro, just like I remembered her. Teasing me, she begged me not to finish as she really wanted to please me. After a good twenty minutes I couldn’t hold it any longer, remember it has been a week. As I was about the finish the door opened, I flipped the girl over the couch and grabbed a pillow to cover my erection, but it was too late. As my mom walked in, standing right in front of us, I experienced one of the strongest orgasms, blowing my load straight into the pillow. Luckily my mom didn’t seem to notice, she appeared to be looking for something. Then she grabs the pillow I was holding and leaves the room. A few seconds later, I hear a loud scream from the living room. The pillow was in fact a gift my mom had specially made for my grandma’s birthday, and yes it had her picture on the back. I came all over my grandma’s face. I’m so bad at sex.
 
This one just made me laugh...
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
 
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