"Hey bartender, can I get a....."
1.) Bud Light:
You just graduated college, or are likely to say, "Seriously, you don't got Bud Light?!" ...when I look at you and say, "Sorry man, we don't carry Bud Light." If not, you have 2-5 kids and play in my parents co-ed softball league. Your preferred method of consumption is in a can wrapped up in a foam coozy.
2.) Any Obscure Beer That Odds Are Really Good I Don't Carry:
"Yeah, can I get a Old Thomas IPA?" Odds are good that you're pry a douche bag with little common sense and a trust fund. Unfortunately the only one that sells it was the store you went to in suburban Ohio, or Old Thomas himself. The people at your job think your a narc and I'm sure your parents wouldn't be tremendously heartbroken if you couldn't make it home for Christmas this year.
Your either a smart woman or a guy I wanna slap in the face. 98% of the time guys order wine they are trying to showcase their superior intelligence or sommelier level knowledge of the grape variety that was used. There is a good chance you batted 9th in Little League and are considering growing a mustache if not already sporting a fury lip accessory at the moment.
Its all in how you order it...
Neat - you like whiskey. That whiskey. If you are invited to a BBQ, your first question is if there will be a full bottle of the stuff you like. If you are told "no" then a stop at the nearest liquor store prior to your attendance is necessary.
Rocks - you have punched at least five guys in the face, have a tattoo honoring someone who passed away, or are a hipster with at least 4 and no more than 8 PBR's in your fridge.
Old Fashion - you have no idea what's in this drink. You hear them ordered when watching Mad Men with your group of buddies who are are also busy not getting laid. Then our lives intersect upon you entering my bar.
Scotch - You are my grandfathers age and have a great story about back in the day. If you are under the age of 35 odds are good that you hate drinking this stuff but really hope everyone heard your order, as to show you are a man. You are also wondering how you can have a Mike's Hard Lemonade delivered to the privacy of the men's bathroom stall so you can shame drink.
The official sprit of loud women, and drop out fraternity guys. Be it a vodka soda, or the Evil Bastard of two part alcoholic drinks...Vodka and Red Bull, they are the evil nectar that fuels your most annoying patrons. Also 100% of exit polls answered by the people vomiting in my bathroom said vodka was their drink of choice.
You are English, or if American you enjoy the cocktail culture. There are actually an overwhelming amount of Americans that hate this spirit. It usually goes back to a bad experience when we were in high school and raided our parents liquor cabinet, and the only thing in there was a ****ty bottle of gin. Then we drank it with Sunny D (Thank you Snoop Doggy Dogg) , and a couple hours later got violently ill. This painful memory has now given you a chip on your shoulder for this spirit.
I, as well as a lot of great bartenders prefer to mix proper gin cocktails. When done correctly, it's amazing. So I have a guy that comes in and likes trying new and different cocktails with only one rule...no gin. I have only been making his drinks with gin for the past three years, and he has no idea.
Rum and Coke- That must have been a fake I.D.
Daiquiri - You have seen "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" or own a Jimmy Buffet concert tee shirt.
Patron - You hate tequila, especially because you also ordered it chilled. If you ordered Cafe Patron I'm willing to bet you the joint in my pocket that you have cocaine in yours.
Mezcal - You know your tequila and have a sophisticated pallet. If not, you're ordering it for your buddy because you think my Mezcal has a worm in it and you want to make your buddy puke. You are the guy that can't wait for your friends to pass out at a house party so you can whip out your Sharpie and draw a dick on his face.
7.) and lastly...Water:
You are either one of three:
1.) Responsible and Courteous - The confident dude who has a water with his drinks because he knows how to handle booze correctly. Never the guy to make a scene and usually is the fella with the really hot woman in the bar. Always tosses you a buck for every water you pour him.
2.) Cheep - You're pry going outside my bar every 30 minutes to smoke all your buddies pot because you're broke. So you're thrifty kickin' status has brought you into my bar for an evening of free waters because I guess I'm a hydration philanthropist.
3.) Drunk - You know yer drunk. I know yer drunk. No one in here really thinks yer a designated driver candidate.